what doesn’t kill you..

I went for a run this morning with my 2 littles while Jonathan was in preschool.. and while Jennifer.. well we all know where she is but somehow I still feel like I need to mention her.

I was thinking about the broadcast that was on about Unravel and all the people fluttering last night. You can watch and read it here..its a different post than the original and explains fluttering really well!  I am not usually publicly emotional .. and it showed me crying not once but twice..  I was feeling very vulnerable.

And then this song came on “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

And I thought oh the irony..

She couldn’t have possibly been any stronger.. But maybe that’s not the point of this song playing in my ears. .. Maybe its me? Because although cancer has destroyed so much of me.. it did not take all of me.

You think you got the best of me
Think you’ve had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I’d come running back
Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong”

I want to give up several times throughout the day. But I don’t. And I never ever will. Because I have 4 loves here to live for.. my husband and my 3 surviving children. My pace picked up a little bit I was able to sing aloud and push a little harder..

hugs

You didn’t think that I’d come back
I’d come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see”

And I thought about fluttering.. and the people doing it… the people donating to the cause and the people reading and sharing my words.. I have always had my family behind us, but out there this morning feet and heart pounding I realized its so much more. My “swings” at cancer are starting to carry some weight… because there are so many hearts and minds joining mine…

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I’m not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I’m finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning”

I thought about the day I realized she beat cancer … remember with me here...And I realized as my pace somehow got even faster…that we are heading that way too. Cancer didn’t kill me…and I am stronger now because of you. A email was sent to flutterers today.. I didn’t do it, because I don’t have to. I am not in this alone! So I just wrote a little intro.. and I want to share the last line because I think it will be forever how I feel when it comes to Unravel and what we as a community are doing..

— I can’t wait to see her again and hear her tell me all the stories of what she is watching happen. Thank you for giving me that to look forward to. —

I am hearing constantly about dragonflies visiting people. And we haven’t seen as many of our signs of her as we normally do. .I think its because she is busying sending dragonflies to other people … to say a thank you from heaven.

We just might do this… together we really might unravel pediatric cancer.

pound

…Until there is a cure…

19 Responses to “what doesn’t kill you..”

  1. Libby, I have said this to you before (probably several times ), but you are simply amazing. I do believe that all that you are doing is possibly even above YOUR understanding right now. You are fighting not only the cause of pediatric cancer research (or the lack of), but giving ALL of us so much more. Giving us knowledge, giving us a love for our family we didn’t know possible until the realization of your truth hit us, your Glitter Squad, hard! I thank you for that….but I thank JLK for that even moreso!!!!!!

  2. I have no doubt that Jennifer is loving every second of fluttering and flittering. I also have no doubt that she and her family and her glitter squad will be some of the heaviest hitters in this war against childhood cancer. We will see it in our lifetime. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  3. We’ve been fluttered and are so honored! JLK has put the glitter in my veins, and because Jennifer lived she is impacting the world. In her short 6 years she will probably be the reason policy’s are changed and children lives are saved! #love4jlk

  4. I saw this today and thought of Jennifer. It’s a pillow that says “She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten”. You are doing an amazing work and I am so proud of your hard work. I think your baby girl is too, Jennifer will never be forgotten!

  5. You are the most STRONGEST women ever! You are so AMAZING! You inspire me to be a better mom and I thank you for that. I have turned many No moments into YES moments because of you. We are going to Unravel Pedicatric Cancer….I know we are because we have a fearless leader! I know JLK is looking down with the biggest smile on her face to see all the fluttering going around the country. xoxoxo so much LOVE4JLK….Always

  6. On Sunday Lucy and I went to Rancho. It was super busy and there were no parking spaces. She was really sad because she REALLY wanted to see the animals at the farm. All of a sudden some dude pulled out and we got a space. We were cheering as we pulled in and a dragonfly landed on my windshield. She wanted us to go to the farm, too.

  7. Still crying for you and reading. You are such an inspiration for other mothers facing this “cancer” I hate that this is not properly funded and would love to support you and your fluttering project. I too saw my first dragonfly in awhile!

  8. You amaze me with every post Libby. And as I’ve said before I can imagine Jennifer beaming with pride at all she’s seeing right now

  9. You know Libby I have two little sisters about to have babies, one a boy and one a girl. I’ve seen so many dragonfly items sometimes I just want to stop and take a picture to send you other times I wonder if she is sending signs out to the people that know her story? It’s hard to say, but even when my six year old said butterfly it sounded like flutter fly. Of course Jennifer is thought of in every one of these moments. They have lead to ideas like when I was at the laundry mat because my dryer broke and I was looking at the community bulletin board and thought how cool little gold filled tube necklaces would be. Using the gold glitter, writing jlk on small papers in the glitter tubes and hanging a dozen or so on a sign explaining childhood cancer, and how it is so much more than leukemia. I mean brain tumors in kids? Doesn’t happen right? Leukemia is curable right? I mean all of the statistics look good right? Until you learn the truth. The truth is I have followed about ten kids this past year and seven are dead. The statistics are bs. Even the cure rates suck, and then you have deaths attributed to complications of treatment that aren’t even counted. How aren’t they counted? That pretty much sums it up. If I was told my kid had cancer even leukemia at this point I would have to do a lot of soul searching on the treatment part. Is it worth the torture they endure? Could I stand the tears and pain knowing survival is slim, and even if they survive deaths attributed to complications are high. Would the end of their childhood and their living nightmare be worth the slight possibility they might have an adult life? As much as it hurts I don’t think so. Jennifer, and all of these kids taught me this. Until it changes we are obligated to fight because we are obligates to protect children because if we don’t whose going too? Jennifer did this, you started people thinking and showed us the hopeless situation only an army can fix. It all starts with fireflies on a onesie, or a kid who mispronounced butterfly and we are remembering and our minds are working.

  10. I had a dragon fly flying around me at the soccer field this weekend…an unusual sight in our area. I’ll just say that I am a stranger to your family, participating in the flittering – sent my email to friends and family last week. Your reference above to Jennifer sending dragon flies just gave me chills. Peace and love to you.

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