Why? Why me? Why us? Why her?
Today I am stuck. Deep in a hole of feeling sorry for myself. wanting so much to just have her back. To have my whole life back. I am trapped asking why?
Today I want to go lay in bed. And just cry. And feel sorry for myself. I can’t though I am lucky enough to have my still living 3… but today I wish I didn’t have to. Today I wish I could just retreat away.. laying in my bed all day. But all consuming grief is not a option during my kids waking hours.. Its hard. Somedays really truly hard to do.
I want to find the words to share about the day we finally laid buried her. Her final resting place. The one I am looking forward to joining her in one day.
But I can’t seem to find the words. They are out there.. floating around. But luckily not trapped inside me. The day was a release. The whole day. By the end I was exhausted. Just completely drained. I don’t think I have recovered yet. My mom took the other 2 kids so Jonathan and I could prepare. We bought balloons and a present for her. We bought flowers and picked out books and clothes for her. Moments before it was time to go .. I wavered…
did I really want to bury her??
We asked our friend to be there.. at a distance to take pictures for us. Because sometimes I like to remember. I wasn’t sure if I would want to share all, some or none. But I think I am settled on sharing some. ..
a horrifically beautiful day.
Tony came home for lunch today, but I think it was mostly because he knew I needed just a moment to not be strong. To be held by him and allowed a moment to cry.
I love this man.
..because he is a child still .. he always helps us find the joy.. in our moments of greatest despair our kids can help us find a reason to smile. Real genuine smiles.
…until there is a cure..