release me

I am angry. I am frustrated. I miss my daughter. My sons. My husband. Me.

I want to be free of it.. released from the repressive grip this newly emerging emotion has over me.

I miss the old me.. my old life. Now all my social gatherings revolve around Unravel.. and if they don’t I find myself swimming in work later. I never wanted this kind of busy. I just wanted to be a tired Mama of 4..I thought that was hard.. Until I found out how exhausting being mommy to child in heaven is.

I miss my Jennifer. I look at her pictures lately and just immediately cry. She is frozen in time while all her friends and cousins are growing up. She was a good girl. Not perfect.. but a good kind hearted child and I looked forward to seeing who she would become.

I am just so mad right now that I got robbed of that chance. release1

I am finding that the anguish that often came up first when I was missing her is replaced now with a unmatched rage.. a desperate clawing anger at having lost her.

My boys. My Charlotte. I want to give them all the love in the world. To never let them taste or witness my frustration. I hate it. I feel like I should be the best mommy ever to them. More patient than any other parent. Always grateful for every moment. I’m not though. There are still days that I am just counting down the hours until bedtime.. and I hate myself for it every time. I stop myself.. and I imagine how much it would mean just to get to play with her.. stop everything else and listen to her again.. And I wish I could be that mom for them all the time. I don’t know how to though.. And that makes me mad..

Mad that I can’t do and be who I want to be for them.. and so angry that I have a reason to want to be so different. And it scares me.. am I raising them as well as they deserve. . as much as they need.

My husband. I never knew another persons pain could so impact me. That his hurts could tear into me so much like my own do. And that another person could make me so mad. I look at him sometimes and I am so mad at him.. No not really. Its never at him. Its just towards him, I look at him and I guess I feel safe enough to fall into this pit of snakes . I love him.. often I just long for him to be with me .. near me.. But right now I feel like its just so I could scream at him.. tear at him and fall apart into him. I miss being husband and wife and co-parents. This new life, where he is both my soft place to land and my strong place to punch. It’s never the wife I wanted to be to him.

This is how Tony spends his time with the kids.. playing wrestling and making them laugh so hard.
This is how Tony spends his time with the kids.. playing wrestling and making them laugh so hard.

I just want to sleep.. sleep a full night without being woken up by these new cries that fill my home in the nighttime hours. Rarely is there a night I am not woken by my own pillow soaking tears or those anguished cries of the man next to me.. or the terrified screams of my son calling for me to come to him.

And then times…

****************************************************************************************************

As I am releasing all of this one of the little blonde haired men of mine comes out to me .. shirtless with tussled hair, and just looks at me with such understanding. “What is it Mommy?” Silence. I can’t find the power to speak without tears.. ” Do you need a hug ?” . .. and I just nod my head and let my 5 year old come to me…comfort me. .. release me.

i’m doing ok aren’t i sissy?

you and me right..

you are helping me get through this

to raise them up.

i miss you

..so violently

but

i love all you even more.

release4

..until there is a cure..

 

12 Responses to “release me”

  1. Been thinking of you and praying for you SO MUCH! Shared Jennifer’s story and the story of the ring again tonight to another friend. Love and hugs.

  2. Again I have no words, the pain I feel reading this can’t even begin to feel the pain you go through, I think about Jennifer all through the day, my heart truly aches, a few days ago I was at the mall in a big hurry ,but had to pick up a gift for a friend, as I was leaving I heard Brave playing , I felt the tears coming and I just stop and held my pink Love for JLK bracelet, as I look up the first thing I say was a watermelon candle in the Yankees Candle store, I could believe it, and that’s where Brave was playing, I walk in I went straight to the candle held it til the song was over then bought the candle, comfort buying the candle , I bought it to work to have it with me all day, today every time I look at the candle I truly felt Jennifer….love and hugs to you Libby

  3. wow. you are amazing. you are giving your children power to be empathetic. you will have such amazing kids and they will be such incredible parents. hugs to you Lib

  4. Libby, did you try getting deeper into the spiritual world? I am reading this blog now for a while and every time I feel like death is overwhelming and I get my fears back, I just deep dive into the words in there. Please try to read “Crisis of Faith” from May 24, 2010 written by Elisa, she really captures it here: http://www.channelingerik.com/2010/05/
    Quoting her: “The last couple of months have been difficult for me. I haven’t really felt Erik’s presence for what seems like an eternity. No sounds, no signs, no smells, no nothing. This paucity of evidence along with my ever-present tendency to analyze and doubt has begun to erode my faith. Yesterday, I had an epiphany about why my grief seems so deep and why my life still feels so empty without my son. I think it’s a “mother thing.” When you carry a child for nine long months, their physical energy and yours is forever intertwined. When I lost Erik, physically, I lost part of my self physically as well. My pain feels like any other physical wound…a broken leg, a deep gash, a dagger to the heart. So along with the emotional and mental anguish, we mothers experience a physical pain as well. ”
    “…but part of me is wondering what if it’s all not true? What if your soul has just turned into some field of information? What if you just dissipated into thermal energy? Now that I have so much to lose by not believing, it’s much scarier….that is an excellent point. It would be like you lost him twice.”

    Please give it a try, I wish so much you could also connect with your Jennifer. Thinking of you, take care…

  5. Libby, you are doing an amazing job with Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte. And with you will do the same with your little one on the way. Because Jennifer will always be there right along side you always. I hope you feel her everyday. I think of all of you always. I think of Jennifer everyday. All my love to you all always. We love you Jennifer ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  6. Trying to continue to spread awareness. I see one of my Facebook friends is finally posting about how little goes into childhood cancer research. It makes me feel good that someone else is finally paying attention. It makes me so angry that not enough people stop to look or read because it’s too painful. People would rather “like” or “share” a silly picture, selfie or something stupid. It makes me angry for you, and all of the other parents who beg to have others pay attention to this.

    Sending you love and positive energy.

  7. You did everything you could everything her mommy could. You have a right to be angry and in pain a piece of your heart a piece of you is missing. It doesn’t change but you get worn down like a blade becomes dull. You have to know you did everything you could. The system failed – there is not enough funding research answers options there is just isn’t enough. My heart goes out to you as you can never go back to who you were you just cant you have to be who you are now.

  8. Your blogs just seem to reach out of the computer screen, and grab at my heart strings! So much so that I have had dreams about you and Jennifer, and your family. I pray for you all every day! The intensity of your emotions in some of the more recent blogs actually caused me to have a rather vivid dream the other night, from which I woke up rattled. I have never experienced anything like it in my life. Always thinking of you all, and always will always have #Love4JLK

  9. No one should ever have to go through the pain you endure. A little bit of me dies each time I read your words and imagine what it’s like in your household, in your heart, in your home at night when everyone’s grief grows in the silence. It doesn’t seem right that you carry this load. I hope the sympathy and love you feel from your readers helps in some small way.

  10. Huge huge hugs Libby. It was my daughter’s 6th Birthday this past weekend and for the longest time I couldn’t bring myself to plan her party because the number 6 reminded me of Jennifer and how she will never celebrate a 7th birthday. I finally decided I should follow your lead and try to make every moment count and planned a fun party that she loved and kept thanking me for. Once the party was over though I just sat and cried thinking of your forever 6-year-old. It’s not fair, you have the right to be angry, I’m angry for you. Please don’t judge yourself for your feelings, you are doing so much with the hand you were dealt. Lots of love to you Libby.

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