presence

I waited to write, then I waited to share. Waited til I was ready to share one of the most personal experiences I have had since she died. Sometimes things happen and I know I won’t share.. sometimes things happen and I know I will.. This was one. But I had to just absorb it.. and cherish it all by myself for a little while….

I go the opportunity to go to 2 Sara Bareilles concerts this past week. I am so lucky! The 2nd night was the original one that had been planned for quite awhile, my sister in law got us both tickets. Another sister in law and my niece ended up coming as well, but sat in a different area.

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It was quite the journey to get there. . for the 3 of us. I had decided earlier in the week that this would be Jennifer’s first concert. So I had her keepsake remains with me.

It wasn’t supposed to be her first concert. .. that was supposed to be fresh beat band with one of her best friends. I got the tickets just a few weeks before she died. It all happened so fast. She went downhill so rapidly. Incredible to think I bought tickets for a concert so sure we would go … just 5 weeks before she died.

We had crazy traffic and parking problems but in someways it was nice. It was such a gift to just talk with my sister in law. She is the one who was there on Jennifer’s birthday when we learned what kind of cancer she had.. when we heard that she would likely not make it to see her 7th birthday.cake

A little more than 2 months before we have to cross that bridge.. a birthday without the girl.

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We talked about the day she was diagnosed. . we talked about the last minute party that was thrown together. . we talked about what to do this year. We just talked. Horrible scary times.. happy joy filled times.

The concert was amazing.. I didn’t cry at all. Until Brave. Then I felt compelled to stand .. to cry .. and to dance. My 6yr old in my purse, I clung to the heart shape .. I just needed to have some contact with her. And I looked up to the sky and sang to her.. I remembered how it felt when she was slowly dying in front of me.. I remember how the tears seamlessly fell as I whispered these words to her along with our pandora station..

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is”

I knew then that her body was simply a cage keeping her captive.. I knew the only way for her to truly feel the light again was to leave me. I knew she was scared to do it… I was scared to let her.. but I tried my best to ease her way..

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As I looked at the dark sky.. filled with dark clouds yet lights popping up all around…I remembered …

lights

Her struggle and her pain. But also her stubbornness and 6 yr old attitude. I had planned for this to be her first concert.. but she has plans of her own.

My 6 yr old slightly ornery girl that always wanted things to go her way.. she decided that the night before would be her first concert. The surprise one that was a small intimate venue that a brand new friend invited me to go to with her.

When my kids are near me I can somehow sense it. I instinctively reach for them before I hear them or see them. .

I often touch before being touched.

I felt that at the first show. I felt what I knew was Jennifer .. my Jennifer next to me. I had to physically fight the urge to wrap my arm around the child that physically was absent..

but her beautiful presence was there.

To my right. She was there. I felt her swaying next to me. I looked down a few times just to be sure .. I dropped my arm at one point just for a moment to reach for her..

swiping into air was too much for me.

So I hugged myself tightly. Sang out loud and absorbed her to the best of my ability. And cried.

My new friend that had taken me for this opportunity to hear “our singer” and even more incredible… to actually meet her. She sent me a video. .. of Brave being sung just a few feet away from us. This time.. at her first concert this song didn’t move me .. one of the few songs that didn’t that night, I had cried through most of the songs.

Perhaps its because a piece of me felt what I couldn’t see.

 Please watch it here

her joy. her dance. bouncing all around me.

sb

… Until there is a cure..

60 Responses to “presence”

  1. Wow!!! You just know it’s her watching that video! That’s pure awesomeness *chill bumps* I to have been wanting for this post….however it was more then what I had ever imagined it would be.

  2. Libby, I’m so glad you got the chance to go to the concert and to meet Sara. I know Jennifer was right next to you enjoying the concert and dancing with you. Every time I hear Brave I think of Jennifer with tears streaming down my cheeks no matter where I am. I think this is my favorite song too. We all miss our Glitter Girl every day. She will NEVER be forgotten. Love, hugs and prayers to all 6 of you. We love you and support you always. All my love forever, Diane/Noni.

  3. Oh Libby! I am filled with tears of Joy for you. I am so very happy you felt Jennifer’s presence. We love you so much. We love you Sweet beautiful Glitter Girl! LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER 6 ♡

  4. Libby that video gave me chills throughout my body! I am so overwhelemed with emotions.., tears flowing down my face. She was right there… Next to you dancing. That is so amazing! So much love4jlk

  5. I so very happy , Libby, Jennifer was right there with you, I prayed so hard for this day, thank you with all my heart for sharing this, all I can say is thank you Jennifer for coming to you momma , wow this is so perfect and beautiful oh wow wow wow , I believe, I truly believe….

  6. Incredibly touching… You don’t know me and I don’t know you but we have mutual friends. I’ve been reading your blogs since before Jennifer’s passing. I had chills, the hair on my arms sticking up and tears going down my face reading your blog tonite. I’m so very happy you were able to connect and feel ur baby girl like that. What a blessing that was and I hope for many more times like that for you and your family. *hugs* – Kimm

  7. This gives me chills! So happy for you. I had just read that parents that have lost a child often report that within the first year-their child appears to them and their presence is 100% known by the parent. It also said that often that when this happens it is what helps them find a feeling of inner peace they’ve been searching for. So happy she was there, Libby!

  8. Dear Libby,
    I am so happy for you that you finally experienced this wonderful thing you were waiting for! That JLK came to you and that you felt her presence so strongly! I wish it would happen often to you and would take away or decrease the level of sadness in your heart.
    The same time I would like to share with you a kind of premonition which happened to me just this morning. In the country I live Brave is very rarely played on the radio, not sure why….But this morning (which night at your place) just before you posted your wonderful blog and before I had the chance to read it, the song came on the radio and I heard it . I’ve been struggling with God lately because of what happened to Jennifer and to other people I knew, to children who left this world too early, some of them because of cancer, some of them because of war around. The song made me very sad and it made me cry. I’ve got all the negative feelings back and because of that I started to pray and ask for protection for my and other children, and for inner peace of the parents of the children, who passed away too early.
    And then this miracle happened, you shared your most precious experience with Brave and Jennifer’s presence and it just put everything back to the right place. Thank you for writing about it, now it has a special meaning for me too, it is a special message for me too. My belief is stronger than ever and I can smile next time I hear Brave Thank you!!! xxx

  9. You are so much stronger than I could be. I found your first blog a month ago and spent two night feverishly reading into the night. I didn’t want to read and feel that pain but I couldn’t help myself. I now look forward to your next posst. Please know there are so many of us out there, who don’t know what it’s like to feel the pain your going through. I hope I never have to, but I’m there in anyway I can to support you. Stay strong. I personally know two young girls with cancer. One just turned six and has a brain tumor. Reading the prognosis, 5 years seems to be the longest for her. I hope things change before that. Continue to fight. These children need you.

  10. Oh wow! They said it would take 6 months sometimes for kids to come through and there she was bopping away beside you! You can dance along with Jennifer again xx

  11. Wow, that’s incredible, Jennifer was dancing all around you, that is so beautiful so happy for you Libby..thank you for sharing…

  12. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this post with us! I have to admit, early this spring we were at a school function for my son, there was a DJ playing music. Brave came on, luckily I had sunglasses on because there should have been no reason for me to be crying, other than the fact that I was watching my son (a few months older than Jennifer) playing with his friends and seeing other children. Most people wouldn’t have understood it. It made me incredibly sad to know Jennifer left this world so early, and hearing Brave reminds me of her always. So thank you for sharing this wonderful event!!

  13. WOW! Watched the video twice! Can’t stop the goose bumps or the tears – she was there with you – so happy you felt her!

  14. So happy for you that you had the chance to feel Jennifer’s presence during this concert. It is I am sure a wonderful experience you will hold close to your heart for ever. It was hard to read and to watch the video without crying. Praying that God will always let you feel her presence and on your hardest days I hope she will let you know she is there. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  15. I just had a very extensive conversation with friends I’ve know for over 40 years as we celebrated our 50th birthdays. We talked in depth about spirits and if each of us believed in them. Each one of us have had experiences with spirits or “presences” and we do believe that our loved ones come to us. Just recently, the aura (that my friend believes is her 28 year old deceased step sons), was revealed to her 6 year old daughter, Michael’s little sister. Samantha described the same thing that Judi sees from time to time and they do believe it’s him. I am so happy you got to share that song with your beautiful angel. What a gift.

  16. What an incredible sight! I’ve read all of your blogs (still here), but this is my first response. That gave me goose bumps. I can only imagine how you felt when you saw that. She was just dancing away all around you.

  17. Oh, Libby, I am so happy for you! Tears of joy dripping now. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Thank you, Jesus, for answered prayers – even if it’s not the one we really want.

  18. Incredible. It was so powerful to watch that video. Thank you for sharing this experience. I just want to give you a huge hug right now!

  19. How incredible. It was very powerful to watch that video. Thank you for sharing this experience. I just want to give you a huge hug right now!

  20. JENNIFER!!!!! Jennifer and your family, the most beautiful love story . Thank you for sharing, thank you a million times. I have been waiting for this , I am so happy you got to feel her love.

  21. I am speechless…..I stared at the video dumbfounded…..it is beautiful and amazing and normal all in one thought. Of course she was there. Where else would she be? XOXOXO So happy you got to have that time with her. She will give you so many more moments of grace.

  22. Amazing! Touching! Gave me tears. Just want you to know that you are thought of by people in your community that you haven’t met. So happy you had this wonderful experience. You are so strong!

  23. Oh my gosh. That was incredible. I’m in shock of what I just saw. That little flicker of light was dancing through the air to your right. That was your baby and her happy energy right beside you. I’m so happy for you and I hope you have many more experiences like this. That song brought her to you. Thank you so much for sharing this has touched me so much!!

  24. Your journey with Jennifer is such a powerful and beautiful love story, and just so compelling to all of us. Thank you for sharing this video and your experience, and may you continue to feel Jennifer’s presence often. She continues to open so many hearts and spread her glitter!

  25. I’m so glad you finally felt her! We are still all with you Libby! I think we are all grateful you were able to finally feel her after so long! Lots of love to your family from
    Mine!

  26. Amazing, absolutely amazing. She didnt miss it, there she was! I sobbed the entire time. Go Jennifer! I hope you dance like that with your mom every chance you get.

  27. So happy to read on to the end of this and see your Jennifer dancing along with her Mama!! I almost had to stop reading at the beginning… stop after you talked about being at your first concert with your daughter… In your purse. It made me sick, want to scream, weep, and just be angry that anyone has to experience what your family is experiencing. The way you write is so amazing and real. But then, that girl of yours was dancing with you. You instinctively knew she was there. Amazing and beautiful. I hope Jennifer continues to come to you, be with you, let you feel she is there. Always thinking about you and your beautiful family.

  28. such perfect, tender beauty in her dancing light. I have also felt that our spirits are an energy of light…..what really touched me, is it looked like a miniscule set of wings inside her light. We are a pediatric cancer family….and was at the San Diego concert….yes, Brave is the song that wrapped me in the journey, the words, the tears.
    Looking forward to placing Jennifer’s dragonflies in my neighborhood in a few days…sending you all a heart hug <3

  29. May you feel her sweet, glittery wings around you when you need it most-love does not die, she; her amazing soul did not die-she lives on, and is waiting for you/with you. There is something far better then here…this is simply just beautiful.

  30. Tomorrow night the “fluttering” will begin. This post is inspiring and motivating! I pray for that closeness to be Jennifer wherever you go.
    …until there is a cure….

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