Category: after death

…but she is

I find myself back to a place where I have a longing for my nights to come and write. I don’t know if I am in a transitional period or if it is just a hard spot for me right now. I am brimming with emotions lately.. anger and sadness.. and a sharp desperate ache for my Jennifer. I have prayed a lot lately. Constantly talking to God, just walking out to the garage to grab a  bottle of juice I speak to Him. I ask for help.. . Sometimes its unbelievable to me. .. how I can feel so mad at Him on one hand .. yet still closer to Him than I have ever been. I know heaven is real. I know this isn’t the end.. but I just get so damned scared. And so I write … I release those fears through my fingers.. and then somehow am[…]

llama llama

Memories are all I have left.. Its what us bereaved parents cling to. but when they hit unexpectedly it can be devastating. I feel like I have been hit over and over again today, and I feel so weak. I rarely leave the house to run errands anymore. Her memory seems to haunt me everywhere I go. I actually wouldn’t mind it so much if it was just me .. I have no problem crying in public.. But it just isn’t fair for my kids. ..especially on days like today when the tears were fairly constant. Turning on the car.. I hear the song we walked her down the aisle to.. The only time we will have that privilege. Even just driving in the parking lots for the grocery stores got to me today. I still haven’t been able to go into a grocery store since she died.. Today being[…]

warrior

Warrior. Warrior mom. Warrior child. It’s a badge given to cancer families in this world I am slowly becoming accustomed to. It has always felt uncomfortable.. awkward for me… I wasn’t sure why. . I just have always known Jennifer wasn’t a a warrior. She was a barely 6 yr old girl who loved to hide from her Daddy when he came home from work and then jump out to surprise him…a little girl who snored like a grown man but always denied it was her. A brown eyed beauty who truly believed in the magic of a princess.    I don’t think any of our DIPG kids are warriors really.. .I think they are more like sitting ducks. Being picked off one by one. I am angry. I wrote awhile ago how it wasn’t a fair fight for her. And I realized this feeling is just an extension of[…]

average

I had a phone call with one of the aunts of Dannys warriors. She is… they are… amazing and I think they are poised to do good things in the fight against pediatric cancer. . I heard in her a joy.. a hope.. that we lost 5 months ago. A piece of me that I miss. The part that believes in miracles. I remember it though and I will hope that they find their way to that miracle. We talked about how it was for each of our families .. 9 months 4 days ago for them and 9 months for us.. 9 months from the very last birthday that we will ever get to celebrate her turning a year older. 9 months since we learned of DIPG. . and that some childhood cancers offer no hope. 0% survival. 9 months. The average amount of time a child with DIPG gets to[…]

…but not really

Looking through the pictures for that last post really got to me.. About what pediatric cancer really looks like.. Its not just bald kids.. or swollen faces. Or feeding tubes and barf bags.. Often times there is something even worse that all of that.. being left behind.                 And then I get really angry. This is not the way its supposed to be. It is not the way it has to be. 60 kids were on that stage this morning. In just over a week. 8.5 days. That many children will die from cancer in this country.   7 a day. It is not rare. I am not alone. Far from it. Cancer is the number one disease killer of children. (national cancer institute) It is the number two killer of our kids. Number one is accidents.. which is such a broad term so[…]

Will it matter in a month?

Will it matter in a month? That’s it for me. That is the parenting question to end all questions. Last night Nicholas was being really disobedient. . He was warned. He lost 2 lesser valued objects. All that was left was his “friend” (his lovie .. his version of pinkie) and his pacifier. (that he gets for sleep and its WONDERFUL!) . I told him.. we told him.. he lost it for the night.. he could earn it back in the morning by starting to obey right then. He did. It was hard. I still regret the few times Jennifer lost pinkie.. I still feel so guilty she ever went to bed hurting and missing her best bear.. I can’t parent them from that place though.. I want to . I think about it. Taking it away made my stomach literally lurch. .. Would it matter in a month? ..yes.[…]

challenge by choice

Bereavement camp.. Who knew right?? I had no idea places like this existed.. actually let’s be honest I had no idea there was a need for a place like this to exist. I knew kids died.. I even had an idea a few died from cancer.. but that’s rare. .. certainly too rare to have a camp for families… Bittersweet. I hate that I was wrong.. but here writing and remembering our weekend I am so selfishly glad that I wasn’t. It was really good for us. I am going to try not to write a ton about it. In case somebody else attends the camp at some point.. . and because it really wasn’t one of those weekend that I feel a need to rehash it.. . a lot got worked out.. or my mind is still processing. .. so potentially it will pop out. Also we forgot my[…]

clap

Music moves me…music permeated today… this song is the theme song for the first half of today… 2 months come… and gone.. This morning was really hard for me. We drove to Monterey… to be near the ocean and eat breakfast at a little place we really enjoy. Last time we were there was about a year ago on our “baby moon” right before baby Charlotte was born. …she turned 11 months today. Next month she turns 1… I really thought Jennifer would be here for that. I honestly never expected her to not make it to May. At our breakfast spot they have live music. The guy today was amazing…I got his card..  The song choices blew my mind, I cried at the table.. a lot. The hardest I have ever cried in public. I think its hard for Tony to see me like that… openly vulnerable.. to know how[…]

longest wait

2 months ago.. I was holding her. feeling her heartbeat…hard and fast… Tomorrow 2 months ago that beautiful heart finally succumb… stopped beating. The distance between me and her life grows…every time I go to bed another day is added allowing the gap between our time together to grow…but also a day closer to reuniting with her again.. my love/hate relationship with my bed. Nights I write and I re-connect. ..I also hurt..unexplainable sorrow. my love/hate relationship with the nights. I ran this morning. Thought about running the 5k in May…thought about how it will feel to add to the Jennifer Kranz fund at Stanford…I thought about how much she would have loved to help out her doctors. How much she loved them and wanted to make them proud. Her head doc called me last weekend. Just to check in and say she was thinking of her..of us.. These doctors[…]

beating

A month and a day ago…this was me…this was us Because a month ago right now..I was holding her. Waiting for her to die. I didn’t blog. I think most people knew when there was no new blog a month ago today…that her time was coming… fast …too fast. Nursing the baby to bed tonight I remembered…a month ago doing the same thing…wanting so desperately to get back into the room with her. We were scared to move her…cause more seizures. But it really mattered to me that I held her in my arms. Tony and I worked together…tenderly…nervously…moved her into my arms. .. …and there my baby and I stayed until they came to take her away. Today I have felt haunted. Haunted by the what-ifs…the never have beens… regrets..and fears. This is so hard on a marriage. We deal so differently.. We fell apart and came together today.[…]