i’m sorry

Is there a trade off? Two positive blog posts..here and here frankly some of the best I think I have ever written.. Does that mean the dark becomes so much stronger when it comes again?

I haven’t been able to shake the overwhelming pain from last night. I am so sad. I feel so broken. I miss her so much.

One of my best friends daughters starts kinder tomorrow. I know it will be a hard day. I should be at her house now helping her to prepare. I should be there sitting on her front porch when she gets home.

I just can’t. I am too hollow to absorb anybody else’s pain.

Sometimes I really really hate the new me.

I am struggling right now. . just missing my daughter so simply and so completely. Scared of the future and how I am going to survive this year after year without totally losing my mind. I just can’t see it getting all that much easier.

and tonight it makes me angry at everything and everyone…

I should be packing school lunches and planning a birthday party for my boys. I was interviewed today for our local paper. He asked something about the non profit that lead to this true answer.

the last birthday Nicholas got to celebrate with her.. he won't remember how she loved seeing him happy
the last birthday Nicholas got to celebrate with her.. he won’t remember how she loved seeing him open his card from her

I love it. It gives me a purpose and a meaning. And I hate it. Days like today I don’t want to have one. I just want to be a mom to 4 living kids.. and if not that well then I just want to curl in a ball and grieve. Without the great people I have supporting me I couldn’t be doing any of this.. because I am just not that strong.

And I am scared I am going to screw it up. I am scared I have too many people that care.. too many people that are invested. .. I’m a mom .. Its all I ever wanted to be. I never wanted to be CEO of a pediatric cancer non profit. I taught pe and then became a stay at home mom.  That’s what I am equipped for.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by people with the experience to pull this thing together.. but I am so scared about all of it. Tony is too. Its a wonderful blessing this non-profit and its one helluva nerve wracking endeavor.

.. the sorrow of today seems to be moving aside for the anger of tonight. I am angry that my husband and I had a reason to create a foundation..I am angry that my new eldest struggled today and I can’t be sure exactly what it was.. but my gut knows he just really missed his best friend today.

from the moment Jonathan was born they were best friends.
from the moment Jonathan was born they were best friends.

I am angry that I am jealous. That I am not a good friend .. that my family will forever be incomplete. and yes I know..I believe.. only incomplete on this earth.. but right now this earth.. this time is all I really care about.

I am angry .. that she is gone and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I am angry that I live in a constant fear it will happen to me again. That I have almost convinced myself that its not if its when its one of my babies again. And I am so scared I won’t have done enough by then .. made enough change to get them a different outcome.

I get so many invites to like or follow other cancer kids. And I almost never can do it. I get so jealous of the ones surviving and living… And my bitterness hits a all-time low when I see ones that don’t share any of the facts.. to inform the people in their corner about more than just their kid in the fight. I am angry that it matters so much to me what other families in horrible situations chose to do with it.

And for the ones that aren’t going to make it. Especially other DIPG babies.. I just can’t. It’s not until they are close to death that I feel like I can step in. Thats a place I can actually do something other than remind them of how horrible the future is.

I feel the same guilt when I see their little faces.. the same that I feel when it comes to my own daughter. That I didn’t do anything before I was a cancer mom…Fuck tonight its so powerful.. my guilt. The want to empty out my lungs with

I’m sorry

To my Jennifer. That I didn’t do what I was supposed to and fight to protect you from the moment I was lucky enough to have your 7lbs placed in my empty arms.

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To all the parents in my same nightmare boat..

I’m sorry

I wish I had done more for all of us long ago.. joined somebody else’s fight.. not turned the channel or skipped over articles that I sure where there sharing the information that I chose not to read.

It’s not until they are close to death that I feel like I can step in. Thats a place I can actually do something other than remind them of how horrible the future is.

Because I can’t save the babies being diagnosed today. So I turn away because its just too hard.

I would never have read from anybody that wrote like I do not long term thats for sure .. I might have read once or twice.. made a donation and ran like hell. I would have scrolled past other friends updates in fb.

.. and I am so angry …

at me.

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…until there is a cure..

35 Responses to “i’m sorry”

  1. I just want to let you know I think you are too hard on yourself. You seem like a great person who has always done their best. There are things we cannot control and may never be able to the way we want, its a selfishness we all have, and it’s normal. We want things to be the way we want now. We are hard on ourselves when we feel like we could have made them a certain way but didn’t try hard enough. Sometimes hard enough still doesn’t get us what we want and I am sorry you are going through that with this. I am sorry you are in the worst situation I can ever imagine. I prayed for a miracle for Jennifer. I prayed harder than I ever had in my life and it didn’t turn out the way we all wanted. I’m sure you are tired of hearing this but I do believe God had a different plan and I know if I was in your situation that still would not bring me comfort. I just hope one day you know you did try hard enough but it was never something you could control the outcome of. As much as I wish it were…..

  2. You don’t realize now that you did more for Jennifer than you can ever imagine. She knows that and loves you eternally!

  3. I hope you are in a better place today, Libby. It is so painful to see you be so hard on yourself. This guilt, it will eat you alive. You are still mourning her, let yourself mourn, but please, please find a way to release some of this guilt. Bottom line is, it isn’t your fault. I hope you come to realize this. I know it’s easy for me to say this, and it’s easier said than done to be able to say “just release the guilt”. And now I feel bad about saying this. The guilt will start to take over all of your emotions at some point. I know what guilt and self-depreciating can do to someone. You are stronger than you realize. It takes a strong person to be this open with these raw feelings and the life you are living. You are incredible, please remember that. Jennifer had the best mother and you were meant to be her mother for a reason. Sending lots of love, on this especially difficult day.

  4. When I read your post today all I can think about is the Maya Angelou quote, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” Love and hugs and peace to you and your beautiful family.

  5. I am sorry, too. I am sorry that I was ignorant to the truths of pediatric cancer. Sorry that I turned the channel whenever a St. Jude’s commercial came on, and felt proud of myself for attending St. Jude’s Night at Chilis or donating $5 at the cash register of a grocery store, thinking I had done my part. I am sorry that I didn’t truly care until early February of this year.

    But, I, too, hope you can find a way to release some of the guilt. I KNOW Unravel is going to do amazing things…..you have single-handedly roused a group of warriors. You have inspired and touched so many. So many people care and are aware now because of you, and are DOING SOMETHING about it! Jennifer’s cells are working toward better treatments. People have donated literally thousands of dollars, and continue to do so, because of you, and because of Jennifer. Moms are better moms and dads are better dads because of you. Don’t discount any of that.

    Be gentle with yourself. I know this is one of the stages of grief. Sending lots of love and prayers today, and everyday.

  6. I didn’t want to comment on anything you are feeling in theis blog (or to offer you a counter thought) UNTIL I read that you hate you. Redirect…you hate cancer. I’m starting to, just as much.

  7. I hate that you hate this. I hate that you feel this way. I hate that you are jealous. If I could take the hurt away, I would.

  8. yeah, i would be jealous too. it isn’t productive but i know I would feel that way, why my kid?

    You’re doing this thing, this foundation and this teaching of us about this crappy cancer dipg and how to be a friend to a friend in need and spreading awareness — my God, Libby just the spreading awareness is such a gift to the cancer researchers! I know you may come to a time where you don’t want to do this every single day and that’s ok too.

    You are making a difference. Not all of us do. Not all of us can take this shitty challenge you’ve had and turn it inside out to try and prevent other parents from having to go through it. And certainly not all of us can do it with glitter and pizazzz as befits sweet Jennifer’s spirit !!!! 🙂

    It is sad on a daily basis, but it is accomplishing something, just remember that!

    hugs…

  9. So unfair
    Your beautiful JLK
    and too many beautiful kids figthing this horrible beast

    deep sigth …. tears from here
    lots of xxxxxx and love from far away

  10. Your feelings are justified, no one can tell you what is right or wrong with your feelings. Feel them and try to release them. I hope that today is a better day, and that your pain, angry, hurt and sorrow are just a tiny bit better.
    Do you have access to a punching bag- a big one? Put on some gloves and kick & punch the crap out of that bag, scream at it- help release everything that gets stuck inside. I am sorry Libby- Keep fighting you are amazing and my inspiration to be a better mom, person and Childhood cancer activist! xoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

  11. Yeah…a local boy just got diagnosed with some sort of brain tumor that they’re already saying is incurable…..yet the whole tone of the article was that gung ho, we’re gonna fight, we’re gonna beat this thing!! kind of tone……like they’re running a marathon, and not battling cancer…..an already terminal cancer at that……and all I can think is ……oh no……they have no idea. Just like I had no idea. And I don’t know if I’d be hurting them or doing them a favor by trying to convey to them the seriousness of it all…….and what they can be doing now to prepare, and how to not go numb, how I wish I had not gone so damn numb……

  12. Libby, It hurts me so much….to my core that you are hurting so much. Be angry Libby, you have every right to be. But also know how much good work you are doing. I know I have told you before but I just have to tell you again how much of an impact you have had on me. You opened my eyes to the Pediatric cancer world and your glitter army is going to make a difference. You are already making a difference.You are such an inspiration in everything you to…from being a mom to a CEO. You amaze me in so many ways. Keep writing Libby, as long as you continue to write I will be here reading your every word. I love you so much Libby and I am here for you if you ever need anything. No task is to small or too big. God Bless you. xoxoxoxo So much love4JLK.

  13. Libby –

    I found your blog by accident. I usually don’t read these because they break my heart and it’s my biggest fear. Her eyes, drew me right in from the moment I saw them. I’ve been following since the first post. It’s still my biggest fear however I don’t scroll by anymore.

    I read. Almost every one I see. Just so that baby is being thought of, remembered, even if just for a moment.

    Jennifer, your Jennifer, is different. I will be here always.

    Always reading. Always rembering.

    Because of YOU, I turn more no’s into yes’s. I spend more time making memories. I don’t have the opportunity to stay home, so those yes’s are priceless.

    Jennifer…

  14. It is impossible to connect to everyone, everything. You can’t blame yourself for doing your job right – for immersing yourself in motherhood – and not reading the articles and researching a subject matter that didn’t pertain to what that reality of your life was in those moments. You did your job RIGHT! You are an incredible mother, and an incredible person. It’s up to us ALL to fight for a cure to childhood cancer, and my goodness, what a gift you have given to the world, weaving empathy and grit into the people who read your words. Your story strikes home in every one of us. Your story ignites change. You couldn’t have done that sober of your experiences now. No one can.. how could anyone describe the agony of childhood cancer without that experience? You did your job RIGHT and continue to in every breath you take, even the breaths that stutter or roar, the breaths that take the air out of the room.

    Everyone one of us turns the channel on something. We cannot connect to everything and everyone. But you.. you make us stay. You empower us to fight and to never give up. Because we can relate to a mother who is superwoman but also just human.

    I, too, don’t read stories of other childhood cancer fights, because I can’t donate to them all, I can’t read them all. But I am dedicated to you. And I know that when I help Jennifer, when I connect her Jennifer’s mommy and help support Jennifer’s cell, I help them all. You may not be able to connect the way you wish you could, but you make a difference in their plight, because you give everything you have to fight cancer.

    You are superwoman, an incredible mother, and human.

  15. It’s hurt me so much…to my core to know how much you are hurting. Be angry Libby, you have every right to be. But I also hope you know how much good work you are doing. I know I have told you this before but I just wanted to tell you again how much of an impact you have had on me. You have opened my eyes to the Pediatric Cancer world and I am grateful to you for that. Your glitter army is going to make a huge difference….you are making a difference. You are such of an inspiration to me. You AMAZE me with everything that you do….from being a mom to being a CEO. Keep writing Libby, as soon as you continue to wite I will be here reading every single word. I have so much love for you Libby and I am always here for you in you need anything. No task it too big or too small. God Bless you xoxoxoxo so much love 4 JLK.

  16. You are a grieving mother. Stop being so hard on yourself. You lost a daughter to a monster disease. I know there are many others that feel like you but they do not have the courage you have to express yourself without limits. I am always looking for you posts and when I see them I read them because of the courage and love you had for Jennifer. You are doing so much more than other parents do. You have started this non profit and with the help of others it is going to bring amazing results. Hang in there Libby what your feeling is normal. When we loose someone to a disease we always look back and think we could of done more or done different things its normal. Don’t feel guilty you did all you could have done for your girl. Now you are continuing to fight for her even though she is no longer with you. That alone is huge. Do not stop fighting !!! NEVER!!! Someday Jennifer’s cells maybe saving lives. Although its not hers imagine all the young children and families you will be helping because of Jennifer. You have more than you could and your are doing so much more than others. Be proud and be happy you are amazing!!!

  17. Amen to what all of you wonderful women have written. I am so moved (and I’m sure Libby is, too) by the depth of your caring. You are ALL making a difference every day……please keep it up!

    Libby, there is literally nothing I can add to these beautifully supportive and loving comments. But I CAN tell you how excited I am to have just opened my Fluttering box!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! Can’t wait to get started and to see how the people I reach out to will react. I predict that this is gonna be HUGE! God bless everyone involved in this amazing project.

  18. You, her family, are who God picked for her. He knew you would he a fabulous, loving family. .. He knew she would be an amazing big sister that taught her family & others how to love better, stronger, harder. She fulfilled her purpose here and He sent her to Him. Not fair, but we can’t choose. You are making HUGE changes for pediatric cancer. You are making a difference bc of this crappy situation. You are inspiring others. All while dealing with your grief. I’m sorry it had to be you and your family but God chose you. To be that sweet babe’s momma and to be the voice of change. We are standing with you Kranz family…In your time of grief and to make a difference in the cancer world.
    Prayers & love sent your way.

  19. Oh Libby. I am so sorry. But you cannot blame yourself. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. There was no way you could have known. You are an amazing amazing women, wife and mother. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I will be here for yu and your family always. I will never forget Jennifer and I will honor her every chance I get. She was and always will be an amazing beautiful little girl. Just like her momma. We love Jennifer and we love you too. ♡

  20. Stay angry, but not at yourself. It’s a fire it’s a feeling. You can win the war, or in the words of Gabriella miller “we can win this war.”

  21. I’m angry for you at this injustice and I am angry at the pressure you feel. Know that win, lose or draw, you have people in your corner, no matter how angry you get and no matter what you felling you feel or how often that changes. I pray for you to have peace, whatever if any is possible, as you persevere.

  22. You used the word “equipped” and it reminded me…”God does not call the equipped, He equips the called”

    You are called, you didn’t ask to be, you don’t want to be at times but you are.

  23. It’s almost as if you think you were supposed to predict this for Jennifer. HOW, how, how could you ever have known? You couldn’t have foreseen it and you couldn’t have fundraised or changed anything because having a newborn in itself is its own exhausting job. And listen: we ALL changed the channel before Jennifer.

    On the other topic, I can definitely see how Unravel might be getting scary because it’s SO BIG now. But Jennifer is guiding you, and we are all so on board…you built something amazing. This giant vessel is sliding out to sea and we’re all on deck with you, dragonflies floating around the sails…ok, this metaphor got a little too nautical. Can you tell I’m craving Cap’n Crunch? lol.

    Libby, it’s happening and it’s incredible and you MUST give yourself a pat on the back for all the hard work, and all the giving a damn for other kids you don’t even know.

  24. I don’t think you have anything to apologise for and I think you are way too hard on yourself. Your new reality sucks and I think you are totaly justified in your anger and your pain. It’s ok to love the work you are doing with unravel but be completely pissed at why you are doing it t’s ok to be “selfish”, it really is. Still praying for comfort for you. Much love xx

  25. Since the move to this new platform I stepped away (mostly due to technical issues) and have come back to ‘catch up’. Its weird how being away for a few weeks has made me feel like a bad friend. Like I havent been here for you when you needed us most. I feel so invested in your family and while I have no comfort or advise to offer in healing your pain, I hope you know that I am sending you love, light, and hugs. Many many hugs.

    Libby, you are doing amazing things for the pediatric cancer world. You are so hard on yourself, and I know Jennifer is proud of you. She was proud to be your daughter. Together you both are going to change the world, with your glitter army behind you every step of the way.

  26. In a world where many put on the fake it’s you, real and raw, that will help people listen and do something. Positive/Negative it doesn’t matter because it’s all real. I appreciate your courage. BTW, is the fluttering thing done or can it still be done?

  27. Libby,
    I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all you have. That your family has gone through this.
    I also want to say that I am glad you have been so honest about what y’all have been going through.
    Jennifer, through you, is making a big mark on this world. You are making a big mark on this world.
    I don’t have children of my own, but I am grateful for what you are doing for all the children, their parents & their family’s.
    Know that you are loved and appreciated.
    xx

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