This is my grief. This is what child loss looks like in my house.
Running around the house. Not exactly sure what I am looking for .. but feeling very frantic. Fingers pinched together. Room to room drawer to drawer.. then I figure it out.
I take the one strand of hair I have in my fingers and tape it to a piece of paper and fold it in half. I breathe. I don’t think I had done that the whole time running around the house. I touch the hair now. Just one strand. And I cry. My boys come into her room and I show them where I am putting it.
We go back out to the dance room. They keep putting on her old costumes. I fight the tears.. and a strong urge to throw up and run away. They wanted to play in them. They wanted to wear them. It was one strand of her hair locked into a piece of velcro.
How often I pulled hair from her clothes and costumes and just dropped them carelessly to the ground. I never knew how much value they could hold in my life.
I wish I had no idea.
I thought about how much Jennifer would have loved matching with her little sister. How they would have always been in matching outfits and hair-dos. Its the little moments.. the ones we never got to experience I am finding myself lamenting.
A 2 yr old that still occasionally wets in the night. I realized this morning some was on the carpet. I went to get the urine remover we bought for my 6yr old as death was slowly stealing all her capabilities. .. I cried and hugged the bottle to my chest walking to the boys room.. the one that used to be for Jennifer and Jonathan.. now simply the boys room.
I opened it and breathed the scent.
I remembered ..
suffering but still living.
I missed my daughter. I could have used up the whole bottle. But I didn’t want to. Makes no sense. But we bought it because of her .. and I am not ready to part with it.
I was sent a beautiful song about loss. It was on the slower side and I played it for the first time with my 3 living in the same room. They danced. .. the way they used to dance with her.
Holding hands and twirling each other around. Charlotte didn’t want to let go of Jonathan’s hand even when they were done. He was so proud to walk through the house hand in hand with his sister.
This is my grief… Just a snapshot of a few hours.
and now I sit in it.. I sit with it..
I grieve.. I miss.. I hurt.
..until there is a cure..