I just want my daughter. I miss her so much. With such a terrible forcefulness.
So many feelings.. she should have been here.. And why her? Why my baby?
I just want to hold her. To feel her. To see her smile.
I am trying so hard. So hard just to function .. I cannot believe how exhausting just living can be somedays.
Today is that kind of a day.
I woke up ok. We took the kids to breakfast since they filled their sticker charts. And my ache started to break open then. I don’t know if it was the nagging feeling I had that I gave into when we left to give a table full of people our business cards. Feeling like I was ruining their nice morning with the reality of our lives.. or even worse. If they didn’t even care. If it was too much and they just tossed the cards with her smiling little face aside.
Somebody working at the restaurant paid for our meal. The generosity and need for people to let us know they care is overwhelming… Its a kindness my Jennifer had.. but I don’t think I innately do.. I am trying to learn from her.. But I also hate it. I don’t want people to know us. I just want to be the family with 4 cute kids.. I want to hear again “are they all yours?” on a daily basis.
i just want my daughter back.
Then walking out I saw somebody reading the paper.. Open to the page with her face looking back. I remember that moment. As she was moving the top of her dress aside so they drs could get better access… A daily occurrence for those 7 weeks we were at Stanford. So I went and introduced myself.
I took my boys to a birthday party today. A girl who turned 6 today.
I played with Charlotte for quite awhile in her big sisters room before we left. . and I cried. Endless non-stop tears. The boys came in and out. Tony walked bye and saw the state I was in. And I could see in his eyes.. the heartbreak that we feel so vividly communicated in one glance.
I had said we would go so we did. I hoped it wouldn’t be as hard since I had such a big emotional release beforehand.
I was wrong.
She should have been there. Running around and riding horses.
I felt beaten down.. and almost scared.. I can’t explain that emotion at all, but it was certainly flowing through me. Luckily a new friend was there with her daughter and sheltered me much of the time. Sitting with us and talking with me. Superficial talk and real talk. Just a nice honest mixture. And her daughter asked a lot of questions about Jennifer .. So hard to answer the right way.. To say the truth but not scare them. .. or go against what their parents are teaching them. And I looked at my boys and wasn’t sure if I was doing right by them either.
On the car ride home Jonathan and I talked about it. I asked him how he felt about it. He said he wants me to talk to people about Jennifer’s cancer but not in front of him. He wants me to teach people. But to give him a out.
And so I will, we now came up with my reply to give him some space if he needs it.. or not if he doesn’t. Because sometimes he likes to hear what I say. Learn answers to questions he never thought to ask..
but maybe today was too much for him too. Maybe he was picturing what she would have been doing at the party also. ..
I hope they will remember how I was always wondering about them.. how all of this impacts them. Always I think of them. I often don’t do it right… but I always want to. I always try to.
They had a option to go on a horse. Nicholas did right away. Even though Jonathan said no he got right up there.. He was scared but he did it. So proud of him for following his own path.
Later Jonathan decided he wanted to give it a try. He gripped the saddle as tightly as he could. He did it. .. in his own time. He pushed through his fear.
We sang happy birthday and that was my tipping point. I remembered less than a year ago singing to her on her 6th birthday. I remembered I couldn’t eat a thing. For a few days after learning that my just turned 6yr old had a kind of cancer that is terminal upon diagnosis.
I remember hearing peoples voices fill the room with love, hope and despair.. Knowing it would likely be the last time I was ever that lucky to watch her celebrate the day we became a mommy and daddy. I remember how her head was tilted as she blew out her candles so she didn’t see double. I remember my fiery desire to tell her what to wish for..
The way she smiled.. and laughed.. I didn’t know then to try to memorize the less obvious.
I watched and I sang along and the part of me I hate but am trying to accept came out. The questioning of why.. Why her? Why my daughter? Why our 6 yr old?
..followed that sentiment then in the car with the overwhelming sensation that this is forever. There is nothing I can do about it. She will always be gone. I will always wonder. I will always ache. I will always be jealous.
The boys fell asleep which gave me time to meet my husband in the garage to find comfort in his arms and say through the still unstoppable stream of sorrow..
i just want my daughter. i miss her so much.
…until there is a cure…