forever kindergartner

Oh how a year has changed things.. and oh how it hasn’t.

Still sitting here the night before school starts in tears.

Last year I had her lunch bag packed and my alarm set. Her uniform in the bathroom all ready to be worn.

I had spent the last few nights sneaking into her room to lay in her bed with her.. and sneak back out as I, a then non crier would start to cry… Things had been so perfect. Everything for my perfect little family was going to change.. she would be gone for 6 hours a day… I was going to miss her so much.

I look at these pictures and I try to see if we missed something. ..
I look at these pictures and I try to see if we missed something. ..If I could have caught it sooner and just had more time.

 

Oh how I yearn for that pain again. To still have her 18 hours everyday.. Honestly what I wouldn’t give for just a hour with her everyday.

I hope I remember to stay off of Facebook tomorrow.. really this whole week.

I wonder what she would be like now. How long her hair would be? .. how tall she would be? .. What her favorite color would be? .. what she would ask me to pack her for lunch? .. what she would say she wanted to be when she grew up?

How different it would be now for them too.. how the school would already be so familiar to them..

DSC_0128

what her voice would sound like.. how her hand would feel in mine as we walked onto campus.. what her smile would look like as she walked away happily with her class. .. those are the memories I want.

Not the ones I have.. my final ones..

actually I guess they are just the beginning in many ways for me.. only final for her..

..the way her breathing changed.. and her breath smelled… the weight of her head in my arms…

I feel like I got punched in the gut. I want to find someway to relieve the pain tonight.. but there is nothing.. Tonight there are only fresh tears.

…why… please… why.. please … no

sometimes these words that come to me.. that I can call out as I cry.. with such forcefulness tonight..

…i miss you i miss you i miss you..

I ran today from all of it. Hard and fast. We took the kids to the beach. Had a great time. Memories made.. and I ran from it all. From the memories of what could have been..                                                                                                                                                          Of who my daughter should have been.

I made a bracelet for her last year. .. I have never been crafty but I was proud of this… matching one for each of us. And I think it really helped..both of us… Daddy took off work to take her with me. I cried the whole day. ..pretty sure I cried the whole week actually.

He simply and completely adored her..
He simply and completely adored her..

I thought I knew what it meant to miss my child. I thought I knew what it mean to be scared for her.. to not know whats happening in her every single moment. IMG_2057

DSC_0141

I had no idea.

no clue that anything could hurt this bad. no idea that it was possible to survive this level of unending agony. ..

nights like tonight I wonder if it is?

Because I want to rip off my skin.. shed myself and just scream.. ..

to her..

I can’t though. It isn’t my time yet. But tonight I will wish it was.

 …why… please… why.. please … no

She loved the bracelet I made her. I think it really helped her. I still have it. Jennifer’s. I can’t find mine though or I think I would bury hers with her. Instead I will keep it in the jewelry box she painted for herself. That even as she did it I knew it would one day be mine.

I just didn’t know one day would come so quickly. ..

I want to throw things and break them. Feel the force of my pain come out through my hands. .. over and over again. I want to scream and scream until I have no voice left.

I want this not to be true. I want to be looking at the clock knowing I should be getting to bed since tomorrow will be a early day. I want with such desperation the simplest things.

i just want a first grader..

 …why… please… why.. please … no

…my first grader. ..

my forever kindergartner.

DSC_0121

..until there is a cure..

24 Responses to “forever kindergartner”

  1. Wishing, hoping, and praying for you to find some peace and comfort while missing and remembering your Jennifer times…until there is a cure

  2. Libby…these are the hardest times for me too. The times when we should have been getting to see them do things that they aren’t doing, because they aren’t here anymore. I go through it at every birthday, holiday, first days of things that should have been. Try your best to not look at everyone’s pictures and not think about it too much. I know that is sort of running away from it, but what else can you do, really? Thinking of you on this difficult day and holding you in my heart.

  3. I think about you every time i see people posting pics of their kids doing the normal stuff. being silly, jumping in the pool, doing “end of summer” last minute things. And as i get my big kids ready to go off to college again I think of you again. Tears for you kiddo. and Hugs. Damn i wish it was not so.

  4. The bracelets and poem with them are beautiful. There is nothing I can say as a stranger to make things better, but just know I’d take some of your pain if I could. You are an amazing mom of 4, and a very skilled writer too. Thank you for sharing everything.

  5. In response to the ALSA Ice Bucket Challenge this week, in addition to donating to ALSA, I donated to Project Violet in Jennifer’s honor to spread the word about the amazing organization. Jennifer has inspired so many people to work for a cure – she’s done more in her 6 years than many in their entire lives.

  6. Still here reading, never stopped. Continued reading from the Love4JLK.org, to this site. Trying to send as much positive energy and love to all of you. Again, feeling thoughts of helplessness, wanting to say something to make you feel better. Only knowing the one thing that can heal your pain is Jennifer herself. One day, but in the meantime, she is with you – just in different ways. Thank you for continuing to share this incredible painful, profound and beautiful journey of love. Everyday, thanks to you, I still remember to turn my one “no” into a “yes” when my son requests something. So sorry, Libby. No other words. Love from the East Coast.

  7. I am so sorry Libby. Its not fair at all. I cry with you. I cry for you. I cry for your sweet baby girl. All my love to you always. To you all. ♡

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *