cancer free

You ever go back to something you loved as a child and it looks so different? A field isn’t so wide.. a staircase isn’t so high.. a playground isn’t so big??

I had that happen today. But I hadn’t been to this play ground as a child. .. I went there when my children were so much younger. I went there a lot when Jennifer was 2 and Jonathan under a year. I was shocked at how much smaller all the equipment looked to me.. especially as her little brother scaled it in 3 seconds.

he was so proud of himself
he was so proud of himself

I didn’t know that could happen as an adult. That my adult memory could be so changed in just a few years..

I guess time really can change things..

I wonder if thats how I will look back on her.. If she will seem smaller ..  somehow different to me in my memory than she does now. It isn’t a comforting thought or a scary one.. It is just a thought that took me aback with the reality of it.

It was a last minute idea to head to the park.. Saturdays “no into a yes”.  I was flooded by memories when we parked. I wasn’t expecting that even though I was the one who picked the park. Its a big place. I forgot that the far field held her tee ball practices. I remember her running around with all these other girls.. I remember being so pregnant with Charlotte and thinking life couldn’t get more perfect.IMG_1371

I remember how proud my boys were watching their big sister through the chain link fence.. and how happy she was when Daddy surprised her by coming to watch practices and games. The way she would suddenly start skipping more than running when she saw him.

DSC_0224

 

And how worried I was about snacks.. hoping that other parents would understand how much she wanted to get to eat the same snacks as the other kids. .. how much I hoped they would be willing to bring gluten free food for the team.  How then it seemed like such a rough lot in life she had been given.

On the playground it was almost surreal. Looking at these structures and remembering a younger Jennifer.. how brave she was as she climbed to the top.. other moms surprised I let her.. And then she fell. I was embarrassed. But scooped her up cried her tears and let her climb it again.

Determined. Jennifer was so very determined. I think thats how she learned to dress herself so young. And button her own buttons .. somehow even down her back if need be. She never hit a obstacle she wanted to overcome that stopped her. I was going to say until cancer.. but that’s not true.

Jennifer died on her own terms. She died when she was ready. .. when she chose to go.

Cancer didn’t control her.. it didn’t beat her.

She beat it. In her own way.  The tumors that plagued her now helping researchers to find a cure. Now and forever she will be cancer free. Another time to flip the script

Maybe that’s the way I should look at each 12th.

Not just one month gone from me..

but another month she is

cancer free.

DSC_0972

…until  there is a cure…

 

 

 

 

20 Responses to “cancer free”

  1. Every morning as I have my coffee out on my patio there is a dragon fly that comes and plays. Every morning when I see her I say “good morning Jennifer!” Every day I think of her, you and the family….Every day IS another day cancer free. Much love to you all!

  2. Dear Libby,
    Your thoughts seem lighter as of late. Jennifer must be giving you the strength to push forward in your quest for a cure. You have many purposes in life and you share each of them with us. As you share we pray harder for you and your family. Jennifer is cancer free in heaven and someday Jennifer’s tumor will bring about freedom here on earth from DIPG…until there is a cure…

  3. Jennifer is cancer free. She is doing great things. I do believe the world will be DIPG free because of her. I also think it will be because of you. Thank you for continuing to share Jennifer, and your other 3 babies, with us. You inspire me not only to do more in the fight against pediatric cancer, but to be a better mom. Thank you for that.

  4. You are amazing Libby. Yes, Jennifer is cancer free and I can imagine her in heaven leading and comforting many little kids. I bet she is laughing and playing being the strong, determined little girl you know. You are inspiring..

  5. I LOVE the picture of the boys looking at her through the fence. I can feel the joy of that moment, too…and then I imagined her skipping along to first base. Thanks for the vision. :o)

  6. You and Jennifer are truly amazing..Brave came on as I was reading your post which made me smile. Praying for your continued strength.

  7. You “turned a no into a yes” on this one. ::wink:: Jennifer is cancer free and will forever help others to be cancer free too.

    That sweet girl. Jennifer

  8. You and Jennifer are truly amazing. The pictures are amazing and I heard Brave while reading this post which made me smile. Prayers for your strength and being able to put one foot in front of the other each day.

  9. This is so inspiring to read. You and Jennifer both have so much to offer to the rest if us and I am so thankful to be able to receive it. I pray the strength from within you and from Jennifer continues to find you. You are amazing!

  10. I thought alot avout Jennifer this past weekend. I saw a street named Jennifer and I saw so many dragonflies where we camped at. We love you all. ♡

  11. She is indeed cancer free, happily breathing in watermelon scented air, watching you proudly. I know I say this a lot but I firmly believe she is bursting with pride watching you with her brothers and sister and the work you are doing with Unravel. I don’t know how she could help it. I try and hold on to something I have heard lots people say about heaven: that time passes differently there, that our loved ones barely have time to blink before they are reunited with us. Much love to you all. Xx

  12. It’s amazing how much Jennifer is in my mind. I have never met her, yet she is always in my thoughts. What an impact this sweet six year old has made on so many people. I’m excited to meet her one day 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *