No dreams of her last night. But Jonathan woke up scared of the dark so I got to sleep with him for awhile.
I knew exactly what I wanted to do this morning with the kids. So when we woke up I told them it was the 12th and we had another surprise destination.
I was so sure they would love it..
Before we went we opened our fluttering kit. . I loved seeing their reactions. So many pieces of the kit mean something to us. I hope they will look back and be proud of what we did… and how we did it. ..
Jonathan asked to do balloons so we grabbed some on the way. Nicholas figured it out first. Yelled the name as we pulled in..
His big brother was quiet.. I should have known then…we sat in our car and wrote on the balloons.. Jonathan’s said ” I know you are with me”. This boy of ours .. he is simply incredible. I wonder if she tried to come see him last night and thats what scared him?
Walking in I just felt totally naked.. like I was missing a piece of me that you aren’t supposed to go out of the house without. I wanted to bring her ashes with so badly but I was too nervous about my purse getting stolen or something random like that. Those are the things I obsess over now. .. bringing a little bit of my daughters remains with me to a amusement park..
We released the balloons right when we got inside the gate.. where the boys said they wanted to. I have never seen them fly so high so quickly. We just really needed our messages to get to her. And we continued in. Jonathan stuck very close to me. .. Nicholas simply seemed overwhelmed by the whole place.
We looked at rides to go on and Jonathan pulled me down to him. He said fighting tears that he didn’t want to go on any rides today. All I could do was hug him and cry a little. To tell him its ok to be sad or happy here. That we could stay or leave and go to a park if he wanted.
I think it was too soon for him..Sorry son.
He wanted to stay but not do any rides. We watched Nicholas and Charlotte go on some together. I was overwhelmed with memories of her.. at so many ages being at this place with us. How she loved it so much.
I remembered last time there before we knew she had cancer.. I remember looking at her going on rides and thinking this would be the last time she went on them. But then I thought she would just be outgrowing them. I had no idea she would be dead less than a year later.
How did this happen? How is this possibly real?
They have a new water area. The boys wanted to check it out. She would have loved it. So much. They would have loved it with her. So much. They played and had a good time. . but it took quite awhile for them to warm up to it.
Today the hole in my family was so glaring.. their leader and my water baby. Only to me though.. and for some reason today that was extra hard. So many comments on how cute they all were.. How perfect I know we look from the outside.. but how beyond broken we truly are. I got a little judgey with parents not watching their kids .. letting them run and push in line. But the truth is just like they don’t know my story.. I don’t know theirs..
The boys stepped up with Charlotte. Both doing a great job looking out for her and taking care of each other. I am so proud to be their mommy. Right before we got out Jonathan expressed a urgency to go on the slide, so of course Nicholas said he wanted to as well. . he ended up coming back down the steps. I love how he decides for himself.. and Jonathan went down.
She should have been there slapping the water cheering him on. Thats exactly what she would have been doing. I hope she was in her own way. I hope what he wrote on his balloon came true for him today. .. I hope she never left his side.
We did the park today because she loved going there.. so I did something I didn’t really want to do for them but because of her. My goal for every 12th for the rest of our lives. Something for them because of her. As my children grow the “them” will change. .. but the “her” never will.
I promise baby girl. Every 12th that I live waiting to see you again.. every 12th that I count a month further from you.. but also a month closer to you.
I will honor you.
I lite the candle before I sat down to write. And just now as I typed those 4 words the smell of watermelon overtook me.
oh honey I hope its just perfect. I hope you were right and it smells like watermelon all the time. I hope its better than everything I told you it was. I hope you know all these tears are just my love falling out of me. .. because sometimes my love for all of you gets so full in me, it has to come out.
Walking out we decided to do the train ride… we could see the whole park that way. We talked about memories of her there the whole time. Well mostly Jonathan talked.. I tried so hard today to give him space and encouragement to have fun. To show him its ok to be ok.
In the parking lot on the way out I asked if they had a good time.. Nicholas emphatically said yes.. Jonathan.. hand on top of mine pushing the stroller we got 8 months ago for our 6yr old.. that now is only ridden by our 1 yr old. .. He looked up at me and said.
I did Mom.. I had a little fun but I really just missed sissy so much the whole time.
Me too buddy me too. Its ok to laugh and have fun.. its ok to cry and be sad.. I did both today.
You did? I didn’t see you cry.
Oh well I didn’t really want you too. I didn’t want to upset you. But I did just a little a few times.
Thats ok mom. It doesn’t make me sad to see you cry. Well I mean its makes me cry, but just because your sad. And I know why your sad. You miss sissy. I do too. Its ok mom. Its ok .
So I did. I cried in the middle of the parking lot. For this son of mine that is better than I could ever hope to be. For my other son who is his own person and proud of it. For our baby girl who gives kisses and jumps into our arms when we most need it . And for my Jennifer. Who I miss more than I ever could have imagined possible. .. who gave me a gift right as I was getting in the car to leave the park today.
a feather landed right on top of my foot.I looked up to a empty blue sky that I know
beyond my wildest expectations..
…until there is a cure…