6 months. Half a year. So long since I have touched her.. yet still so long until I feel her again.
“They” say that most kids don’t come through for their parents for a minimum of 6 months… I have been waiting for and dreading this day. Because now I am truly waiting for my dream with her.. yet still terrified of the nightmare..
Somehow 6 months feel so much longer than 5 months.
This 11th was quite different from the last ones I have experienced. Tonight I went to go assemble the fluttering kits. They are beautiful.. I am proud of what we have accomplished. But mostly I am moved. I hope fluttering becomes bigger and so much more than Jennifer. But the truth is.. this year its all about her, and tonight I let myself enjoy that. The vast majority of people ordering kits did so because of her. All the people sacrificing time and money to get the kits together… did so because of her.
I took just a moment to sit back and look.. at box after box being filled with love for my daughter.
I am so lucky she was mine. I am so lucky I got to be the one she called Mama.. I am so lucky that I got to hold her first .. and hold her last.
I breathed her last breath.. I felt her last touch.. I was her last kiss.
Oh Jennifer Lynn.. .
I keep pausing in my writing and looking up.. I see her ashes in their heart shaped container. I see the watermelon candle that I can light to smell what she smells.
I saw your signs you left tonight.. I tried so hard to accept and trust they are real.. that its not just me wishing so hard… and looking so hard for them.
Tomorrow my 3 living will awaken to a box. Filled with dragonflies and hope and love. We will talk about what we are going to do in September to honor their sister. I will be strong. I will push through. ..
but tonight I ache. Tonight I remember. .. too much.
Her bangs were so long. I got them cut just a few days before her birthday.. before she turned six and we learned that some cancers are terminal upon diagnosis. I never cut them again .. by the time they were long enough she was already actively dying. I remember agin with her 6 months ago. Looking into her eyes..
I am so thankful for those 36 or so hours I had with her in her bed. Nose to nose. Eyes locked. But I also feel selfish that I wanted that time so badly. She must have been so scared. Completely trapped inside her body. I can’t really describe it.. Like she was locked inside her own seizure frozen walls .. I almost felt like I could see her.. the real- true- everlasting her pacing around inside her body.
I held her hands and had my knees touching her knees… we put a pillow between her legs to take off some of the pressure. .She was so tiny by then. Bones sticking out everywhere. I honestly couldn’t believe she lived so long with no food and virtually nothing to drink.
I tried to keep her comfortable. But I have no idea how she was feeling. I tried to tell her it was ok to go.. but I had no idea what I was saying. There is no training for telling the one you waited for for so many years.. the one that finally made you a mommy. .. no way to know how to tell them its ok to die.
Her bangs were so long I had to keep them brushed all the way off to the side. I got to keep stroking her hair because of that. She used to love that. I don’t know how it felt then though.. oh I hope it didn’t bring her pain.. I just don’t know.. and its these thoughts that I will never have a answer to that I find tormenting me.
We let people come say their goodbyes to her. I hope she was ok with that. I hope I made the right choice. Because I didn’t make it for her.. I made it for them..
oh jennifer i am so sorry. you have always been the most important person in my life.. all 4 of you share that number one spot..
i am sorry honey. sorry i didn’t do a better job helping you go…
sorry i couldn’t keep you out of pain…
i remember looking in your eyes.. i remember the times you were calm and we were so incredibly connected.. and i remember the times something was wrong.. but i couldn’t tell if it was pain or fear.
i am so sorry for wishing that time back. just to be with you again.. to feel you again.. to know you feel me too..
oh jennifer.. baby … oh jennifer