inside out

Its a grind for us all right now. Just passing our 2 year anniversary of her diagnosis and birthday. Its like the start of our really hard time. And frankly we just really don’t want to do it.

I am mad. I am angry. I have done this all before and I just don’t want to have to do it all again. Now its not the fear of the unknown.. It’s the known. But we already did it. We already had a Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years Eve without her.. And I don’t want to have to face it again.

Her last time decorating a tree with us.
Her last time decorating a tree with us.

Halloween was good. We had fun. .. But it was so hard. A grind. Like gravity is so much stronger right now. This force and pull pushing and forcing me down.

I should say us. Because my husband .. He is struggling too.. For all the same reasons. Its hard to be husband and wife when both of us are just angry. Not at anybody or anything. There seems to be no good release for any of this.

But we are mad. Angry. Overflowing with emotions that its seems I can’t find a name for them.

I am jealous. More jealous than I have ever been in this journey. Questions that have no answers plaque me.. and because there is no answer they seem to build momentum.. A raging force that makes me want to scream . . and scream..But I feel like if I did. If I lost all control I would go until I turned myself inside out..

Why her? Why did this happen?

So mad. With no target to direct my anger.

I want to quit. To lay down and hide under the covers..

But I can’t. Because I am still a mom. Even more I am still a mommy. They are so little. They need me. They need these upcoming holidays . ..

IMG_8961

Another notch in my bedpost where my anger is no longer sleeping . . That I am missing out on truly appreciating all the best years of magic of the holidays. My living children here.. I don’t have to share them.. Full of wonder and belief..

And I just want to rage and scream.. lose control until I turn myself inside out.

i need you jennifer lynn

more than a mommy is supposed to need their 6 year old

help me.

patience. joy. appreciation.

i need you jennifer lynn

IMG_3149 (1)..until there is a cure..

 

10 Responses to “inside out”

  1. I am so sorry mama. Your post breaks my heart. Hearing you speak at Mama’s Night Out on Friday changed my life when I didn’t think it could be changed anymore! You gave me a fire to continue to fight for these precious babies, like Jennifer who is already gone, and my Carson who is still here. I can’t imagine your pain as a mama that you must endure on a daily basis, and I want so badly to take that away for you. It is a pain that I fear more than anything because I do not want to lose my baby to this horrible monster that is cancer.
    Please know that you are so loved and prayed for. Hang in there sweet mama. You are never alone. We will help you fight. Whatever you need, we are here. ❤️

  2. I am so, so heartbroken and angry for all your family is going through. I pray that you and Tony are able to find the strength to go on through the holidays, even if it is full of pretend smiles and fake laughter for the sake of your living babies. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like, because I haven’t been on your journey, but I do know that you are wonderful parents and will make it through for your children. You will be broken down and crying inside, but I know you will still try with all of your might to make the holidays the best you can, for them…because of her. She will give you unseen strength, I hope you are able to feel it. After all your living children are of a certain age, you won’t have to pretend to smile at the holidays and difficult anniversaries…they will be old enough to understand, and the childhood “magic” of the holidays will not of importance to them, only being with their loved ones will matter. I hope you are able to see that these few years of “Christmas magic” are temporary…I pray that you can be strong enough to make new memories…if not, you will probably be overtaken by guilt, because that is what mothers tend to do, and you definitely don’t need any extra guilt feelings to beat yourself up for. Praying for your family always, and especially at “the holidays”. I think of Jennifer so often, she and you have both made such a huge mark on my life. A little glitter from JLK is in everything I do for my own young daughter. Thank you for that.

  3. Feeling the same, even at year 4.
    All these other years I have been just going through the motions, hoping that at some point it would feel okay again, that the emotions would eventually follow the motions….but they don’t.
    Instead it’s almost the opposite. I feel resentful. I feel guilty. We’re financially broke, I can’t even really go through the motions because of THAT! No more family to gather with……then there are stupid things that bring me down….. stuff like my decorations are old and ugly, and I can’t afford new ones. I know it’s not about the material things, but when I’m lacking the emotional capacity to “get into” the holidays, the material things make me at least feel like I did SOMETHING, you know?
    I feel you on the comment that you did this once already…..and don’t want to do it again……I feel the same way every time we hit an anniversary too……you feel like “I made it!! Barely!!” and then you realize you have to start all over again. The groundhog year from hell…….

  4. I’m betting you’re doing a better job at it all than you think. We are our own worst critic. You are a wonderful Mommy and it shows. But I do hope you get some moments this holiday season where Jennifer visits you and lightens your burden, if only for a split second.

  5. You are not alone. We are here. Fighting. Remembering Jennifer, Always. We are with you all..always. We love you Jennifer! ♡ LOVE4JLK ♡

  6. This will be our first holidays after losing our Maddie October 22. As Thanksgiving approaches, no one is feeling very thankful. She used to love turkey and mashed potatoes. Just feel very lost and don’t know what to do.

  7. You’re constantly on my mind, Libby. You are the strongest woman I know and I am so very sorry you are going through this. You are a wonderful mom and I know you are doing a great job raising your living children, even if it feels you aren’t. xoxoxoxoxoxo

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