run ahead

I am not alone.

It’s a big piece of why I still share this blog. Its harder to do now. I feel so much more drained when I write. So much more exposed now  ..  But I share because of the notes I get from others in my shoes or from those loving somebody else that is in my shoes. It’s why I share.

I went for a run on the beach while we were there for her should have been 8th birthday.  I often do that when we are at a beach,  but this time I connected to it in a different way.

I always look at the ocean and remember that saying about there being as many souls in heaven as drops in the ocean.

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I believe that. I sensed that as I held her as she died. The fullness in the room beyond anything I have ever felt.

I ran and I looked at the ocean and I thought of her in there. .. Because she loved it and even though the ocean always scared me .. it never has her.

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It’s why I always write her name at the edge of the water. To have her letters washed away with the waves. I never watch it happen but I know it does. I know her name was there and then is carried away. For some reason I like that.

Just us on the beach. My footprints and hers on her first birthday.
Just us on the beach. My footprints and hers on her first birthday.

 

I looked down as I ran. So many footprints. So many others have already walked through this thick sand of grief before me. So heavy and hard it was often slow moving for me. There were times I had to slow to a walk.. Or even just stop,  feeling like I was completely spent.. a few moments to shake my legs out because they were so tired.

So many have tread this same path. And survived. In that moment .. a fleeting moment. I had faith in my strength to survive it too. So I looked back. Immediately behind me I could see my foot prints. I could see the steps I had just taken and I could easily remember how they felt. But I scanned further down the beach and my steps were lost.. I couldn’t tell which were mine anymore.

But I knew they were there. Though I couldn’t exactly identify where, I could remember the areas that I  needed to stop and catch my breath.

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I never gave up though. I eventually started moving again. And in that moment I looked ahead and knew I always would. Even when I don’t want to. I know I will. I will follow the prints ahead.. and leave a path for others to follow.

I took my picture and I started up again. Running alongside the ocean.. full of more drops than I could count. One of them being more precious to me than all the others.

run ahead baby girl

wild and free

one day baby

one day

i will join you.

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..until there is a cure..

13 Responses to “run ahead”

  1. This is beautiful and powerful. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I have followed your journey for a while now. Fell in love with your Jennifer like so many others. I pray for your family daily. My third daughter will be born this coming March. Her middle name will be Lynn. We decided on it I thought of your Jennifer. Thank you for sharing her and your family.

  2. Libby,
    What a positive message for all who are struggling, even though writing it is difficult. Such a message of hope. JLK shines through in my thoughts every day, and I strive to do “for them” because of her in all I do. And this would not be possible if it was not for your sharing. Thank you. Emily

  3. What a perfect analogy. We continue to support Unravel because I know one day, no more footprints will have to follow yours. 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

  4. I’ve read every post you’ve shared and look forward to meeting you and Jennifer both someday. I really hope you write a book. You have such a beautiful way of bringing others into your feelings that I’ve not often seen and I read all of the time. Thank you for continuing to share with us!

  5. Beautiful yet heartbreaking post💗. I will continue to spread Jennifer’s glitter and ONE day there will be a cure. LOVE4JLK always

  6. First off I am so sorry for your loss… I have found so much comfort in reading all your blogs. I have a now 15 yr old niece who died of glioma blastoma brain stem cancer when she was 12. For other reasons I was not able to attend her funeral an I felt horrible. We were so close I started taking care of her with my sister right away almost. We did everything together an I miss her so much. I’ve been trying to deal with it an it’s so hard.. I love an miss her so much an I watched the video of your daughters service and your speech was amazing. I found comfort in all your words. I want you to know that your such an inspiration to me. I hope your doing okay, your in my prayers along with your family. Good bless you All. .. Love *team ylija*

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