I am not alone.
It’s a big piece of why I still share this blog. Its harder to do now. I feel so much more drained when I write. So much more exposed now .. But I share because of the notes I get from others in my shoes or from those loving somebody else that is in my shoes. It’s why I share.
I went for a run on the beach while we were there for her should have been 8th birthday. I often do that when we are at a beach, but this time I connected to it in a different way.
I always look at the ocean and remember that saying about there being as many souls in heaven as drops in the ocean.
I believe that. I sensed that as I held her as she died. The fullness in the room beyond anything I have ever felt.
I ran and I looked at the ocean and I thought of her in there. .. Because she loved it and even though the ocean always scared me .. it never has her.
It’s why I always write her name at the edge of the water. To have her letters washed away with the waves. I never watch it happen but I know it does. I know her name was there and then is carried away. For some reason I like that.
I looked down as I ran. So many footprints. So many others have already walked through this thick sand of grief before me. So heavy and hard it was often slow moving for me. There were times I had to slow to a walk.. Or even just stop, feeling like I was completely spent.. a few moments to shake my legs out because they were so tired.
So many have tread this same path. And survived. In that moment .. a fleeting moment. I had faith in my strength to survive it too. So I looked back. Immediately behind me I could see my foot prints. I could see the steps I had just taken and I could easily remember how they felt. But I scanned further down the beach and my steps were lost.. I couldn’t tell which were mine anymore.
But I knew they were there. Though I couldn’t exactly identify where, I could remember the areas that I needed to stop and catch my breath.
I never gave up though. I eventually started moving again. And in that moment I looked ahead and knew I always would. Even when I don’t want to. I know I will. I will follow the prints ahead.. and leave a path for others to follow.
I took my picture and I started up again. Running alongside the ocean.. full of more drops than I could count. One of them being more precious to me than all the others.
run ahead baby girl
wild and free
one day baby
i will join you.
..until there is a cure..