He has lost confidence in me. It’s not that he blames me.. its just he doesn’t trust me the way he used to. He questions more.. He pushes more. He checks more.
I know he doesn’t blame me… but my husband doesn’t have faith in me.
It’s not on purpose. He likely doesn’t even know its happening to him.. to us. But it is. I have noticed it happening for awhile now. At first I told myself maybe it was just me being sensitive.. or him just being overly cautious. It’s a subtle change but a heartbreaking one.
And once I recognized it I have struggled to over come the shock of it.
The emergence of a new side effect of childhood cancer.. Because I don’t trust me either.
I haven’t heard others talk about it. . Are we the only ones?? I’d like to say no..
I always tell my friends to trust their gut. I always say first “what do YOU think?” But as I realized the truth for Tony, I realized it for me too.. I can’t even hear that instinct anymore. It is so buried with self doubt.
I don’t think I blame me.. I don’t think I really believe I could have done something different..
But maybe I do??
Maybe we both do.. deep deep down.
Because I was her caretaker. Fulltime stay at home mom. HER mom. The one entrusted with raising her.
And I didn’t.
We both know that, we both have changed when it comes to medical things with our kids.
How did I get here? I thought I was a good mom?
I see his hesitation , even if its just momentary, in following my choices to not take them to the doctor.. I see the flash of doubt when I tell him its just a cold. ..
It didn’t use to be that way. He used to blindly trust me to take care of our children. But we both know..
…we both know…
I think we all knew. oh Jennifer
The way she looked at me. .. wanting me to save her. To fix this. The trust she had in me.
I feel like looking back now that dissipated over time. I think she knew her tumor never shrunk. I think she knew we put her through 7 weeks of treatments.. for nothing. (You can watch a video of one day of treatments here..)
In the end I kept telling her that this new medicine would stop her from throwing up. Nothing ever worked. She eventually stopped even trying to get a sip of water. I broke her trust in me. In the most fundamental of ways.
my only job was to take care of you.. to keep you alive.
I’m sorry my heart I am eternally sorry
I remember how she pushed me away for awhile. Was mean and angry at me. Hard and cold. But then she eventually softened.. I have always wondered why,
did you know?
did you feel like i was failing you?
did you forgive me then?
do you forgive me now?
…until there is a cure..