I have been gone.. been out of touch for so long.. i feel like I should write about the trip to Seattle and our family trip to bereavement camp.. I will.. but I can’t. Right now there is literally nothing else inside of me right now except the incredible want for my daughter.
This is new. I don’t think I have ever felt this way. Utterly, devastatingly hollow. To describe me as a shell isn’t accurate.. A shell is stronger.. thicker than I feel right now.
Charlotte only wants Jonathan .. constantly asking for him to buckle her in.. or hold her hand down the stairs or a new one just now.. Put her to bed. As I listened to them get her snuggled in I couldn’t help but realize how very much I understand.
I just want Jennifer. So much. So powerful. So strong. Nothing else will do.
We thought that bereavement camp went till Monday, but it actually ended Sunday. We got home last night and I finally had a phone that worked again.. I had access to the internet and I realized how much I liked being disconnected. So I committed to pretending like I wasn’t home yet. Like we were right that I was gone until Tuesday.
I loved just getting to be their mommy again. Full time. I know so many other parents do it. But I never signed up for this working mom life.. we worked and we planned so I could stay home full time.
I was stripped of everything that ever mattered to me when I lost her. Everything in my life is different… All my relationships are completely changed. Its like I am living my life inside out somehow. And I don’t want any of it.
I just want Jennifer. With me. Here. Same as it could have been. Should have been ..
I feel like I am locked in a glass case.. able to see out to what my life should be. . A 7 year old little girl .. grocery shopping, laundry and volunteering at school the biggest things on my to do list. And I am banging on that glass.. trying to make it break.. to get me back.
I am running into it over and over again. Throwing all of my weight into it, trying crack it.
but i can’t. Jennifer is gone. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing will ever feel right. This glass case is just my life now.
without her. and ..
Nothing else can satisfy me right now.. nothing else can quench my thirst. It just hurts so much. So deep. And I don’t even understand where its coming from. How I have just cried all day long today.
I wanted to go to her room.. put on my clothes that I have hidden away in a zip lock baggie with her last breaths trapped in the material and curl up in her bed.
Im not strong enough .. I can’t survive this .. I am so broken.. so destroyed.
In a quiet house I turn on music in her room and I write at the foot of her bed. I rock myself as I cry.. as I beg her to come to me..
please please jennifer.. please please please..
Every single cell in me is both on fire and completely numb. .. trying to get to her.
And today since I was already more than knee deep in it.. Hurting with an incredible intensity. I dug into it. I cleaned out our freezers. Not all of it. But some of it. Foods we had bought for her.
Gluten free breads and meals. . That she never got to eat. That just sit there taking up room.. frozen .. waiting for a little girl thats never ever going to come get them.
I am those things.
frozen. waiting for a little girl thats never going to come.. is she? I am filled with an all consuming emptiness.
please wake me up.. please please jennifer
I couldn’t get rid of all of it. Or any of the things she baked with me. I think I will give those things to the new baby one day. To have this baby consume something from her hands.. have our dandelion wish fed by their big sister .. She fed all of them. all of them.
why why why
I just want my Jennifer. I hold my breath to try to figure out how to connect with her still. To feel her.
All I could think as I packed up the ‘should have been her foods’ was I am so sorry. I didn’t protect her. I couldn’t protect her. There is no purer regret in this life than that. Honest. strong. intense.
oh baby girl.
no no no.
…until there is a cure..