Another mothers day is coming. .. I dread it. And then I feel so much guilt over that. I still have my amazing mom and I know so many others that don’t. .I am lucky not just to still have a mom.. but to have her be MY mom and my kids Coco.
I am a mother to 4 of the most incredible people you could ever hope to meet. They love me. They will want to show me they love me… in simple and often sticky ways.
the one that made me a mommy. The one that bestowed the most important title on me is missing. I remember that first year so well. And that first Fathers day. How surreal it was after years of infertility.. 5 losses.. We finally got to celebrate. Tony and I promised each other we would always make a big deal out of it for each other. We promised to never forget how lucky we were to get to celebrate it.
I still know it too.. see thats the kicker. I KNOW how lucky I am.. But my heart is still so broken. My mind is still wandering to imagine what an 8 year old girl would do for me. What her card to me would say since I think maybe she would make it all by herself. Maybe even she would be the one to help her siblings write messages on theirs. Maybe she would be in charge of making me breakfast.
I want to hear that. Hear her bossing them around in the kitchen.. Being my little jr mom that I have no doubt she would be. Hands on her hips sighing as they dropped the bread or spilled the milk..
The longing is so strong … her silence so deafening.. that I feel like its going to drown out all the beautiful sounds I will be lucky enough to hear. Of my 4 living children.
How can a heart be simultaneously so full and so shattered?
I feel heavy with grief lately. Its draining. Actually its pretty exhausting..To stay upright and solid the way I need to for them.. when inside I feel hollow and brittle. ..
The truth is that I don’t feel deserving of being honored as a mother. Because I failed. I failed them all. I couldn’t save her. My daughter died. She died.
…shes never coming back.. oh please oh please..she’s never coming back.
By failing her I failed them. To shelter them and protect them from a lifetime of hurt.. a lifetime of questions. Who was she? Who would mom and dad be if she was here? Who would we all be? Would I even be here if she hadn’t died?
I worry that every major life milestone they have they will question if I am thinking of Jennifer more than them..and right now I can’t even answer that question.. Because honestly I am too. .
I don’t like being this person. This weak. This vulnerable. But I know I need to. I need to be raw and be exposed .. They deserve a better mom than that. They deserve the very best. They all do.
And I hope they can look back and know. This is all for them. This is my fight. This is me not giving up. This is me trying.. and maybe healing.
forgive me baby girl. for all my failures of today. yesterday and tomorrow.
I just want to hear her say it. But I can’t. So I live in this unending loop of misery and guilt.
I just want to hear her say she forgives me. To know that she truly forgives me. That I let her go the right way.. the way she needed to. That she wasn’t too scared. That she knows I tried to say the right things.. even if I didn’t that I tried. I need to know she forgives me for not saving her.. for not keeping my promises.. for not keeping her out of pain.
i need you to know how sorry i am buggers.
please forgive me.
and then i need you to teach me
how to forgive
..until there is a cure..