maybe the kids have it right..

Maybe Jennifer is painting the sky pink for us right now.

I wish she was with us. Just here in the car right now.

Im going to blow these bubbles up to heaven. Sissy can pop them.

Can I sleep in here? I dreamt about Jennifer. I miss her and I am scared.

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Constant. My missing of her is a constant living part of me. And it is part of my kids too. Those are the comments I have heard in just the past few days. Just sudden and randomly they share,  I have them too.. I just don’t share mine. To protect them.. or whoever I am with. I keep those thoughts silent. To not let it seem like my life is overtaken by the one I can’t touch anymore.

My kids though have the freedom to give those thoughts and wishes and hopes a voice. They don’t have the same pressure. They so simply and innocently know you can miss her .. terribly sometimes.. Subtly other times. And still be living. Still be joyful.

But as we get older we stuff them more.. They feel unacceptable. We start to worry so much what other people will think. .. how our words might impact them. I see it in myself and Tony.. And now in Jonathan too. He is the one that comes to me or calls for me in the middle of the night. .. The one that watches and calculates my reaction to the things his little brother and sister say..

He carries a new weight with this age.. This age I have never experienced even though he is my 2nd.
He carries a new weight with this age and understanding.. This age I have never experienced even though he is my 2nd.

damnit. Because I think his little brother has it right. To give a voice to those thoughts.. and let them pass through. Versus holding them in. Locked inside. Bouncing around.. wreaking havoc unseen.

Even now. Sitting here. I have so much inside of me that wants to come out. But I don’t even know how to access it since I haven’t touched it in awhile. So it becomes big. And scary. And powerful. Right now it seems unmanageable. Like if I connect to it I might not be able to rein it back in.

So maybe I will just start off by admitting that. That sometimes its easier to deny her existence. To pretend. To hide from the truth.

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…truth?

Her truth.

She lived.

She died.

She should be 8. DSC_0356 (1)

My truth.

That I still hurt as much as I did the day after she died. A picture was shared with me and its the truth. A weight I constantly carry.. Its not that its getting easier.. Its just that I have adjusted to it. Forced it to succumb to my outward appearance .. to stay locked inside.

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it’ll be fathers day soon.

a holiday i fought for years to celebrate my husband. a holiday he so deserves to be celebrated on..

she lived. she died. she should be 8.

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That sometimes she feels like a fantasy. That when I say I have 5 kids it feels like the words are coming from somebody else mouth. Because when I follow up with their ages.. My eldest who should be 8 but is forever 6.. And they say they can’t imagine..

I can’t either. Sometimes I can’t either.

It seems so unreal. Unbelievable. Unsurvivable. My mind shuts it off and shuts her out. Its why I need Unravel so much more than it needs me. Because its the only thing that makes me believe that I won’t permanently forget her. Lose her.

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she lived. she died. she should be 8.

she lived. she died. she should be 8.

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she lived. she died. she should be 8 …

and you were mine.

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..until there is a cure..

 

 

 

8 Responses to “maybe the kids have it right..”

  1. Wow…your words, I have to tell myself to take a deep breath. The pictures of Jennifer are so beautiful. We will continue to flutter and support Unravel and fight this disease. LOVE4JLK always

  2. Libby. Your words and feelings have resonated with so many. You continue to show us your journey…. And illustrate it with your pictures and your thoughts. I so want her here with you. And she will be part of the cure with you. But damn she should be here.

  3. Your words are so powerful. Each and every time I read them they sink in deep. I feel immense heartache for what you, Tony, and your kids are going thru. For Jennifer not being here when she should. But I have hope that someday soon there will be a cure and Jennifer will be a part of it. I am always thinking of her. She is always in my heart. You all are. For them because of her. LOVE4JLK♡

  4. I wanted to come say hello at Mama’s Night Out in Sacramento, but I chickened out. I wanted to say thank you for continting to share your thoughts, fears, and, most especially, Jennifer with us. Please don’t stop. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

  5. Sweet Mom, your words echo in my heart…it’s like you have a way of speaking so much truth and understanding for those of us who live it as well. Just hating cancer today and everything it stole from every family and every mom and every dad and every sibling…. Thank you Libby for your words and for sharing so openly. <3

  6. You impact everyone you touch. You will always be Jennifer’s mom to me. Together we will fight for a cure! #wewillmakeachange

  7. she will never be forgotten. not as long as there is a breath left in our families bodies. we say her name, we spread the glitter, we run in the race. never ever forgotten. NEVER.

  8. every blog I read tears my heart out. my heart breaks for you and your family over and over again. I am so sorry.

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