is 3 real?

Tomorrow morning I wake up to a 3 year old little girl…

and it makes me sick to my stomach. and really really angry.

I, like all moms, get a touch melancholy about their birthdays.. about how quickly time passes once you are a mom.. But my ridiculous decorating the night before their birthday has helped it become a fun night..

Birthday eve. The other kids get to stay up and help decorate and wrap presents. I make the birthday kid a birthday chair horrifically decorated in balloons and streamers.. Its made me happy to have them turn a year older. A day all about them. . and I like giving them that. Nothing expensive.. just attention and traditions.

I’m usually excited about their birthdays. .. even after Jennifer died I still have loved.. maybe even more if thats possible.. decorating and getting the house all ready after the birthday kid goes to bed.

But not Charlotte.

Charlotte birth (2)
She ran to my bed.. “is it a girl mommy? is it my sister? is this charlotte?”..

baby charlotte was my gift to you.

..and I cried getting to tell you yes.
..and I cried as I told her yes. yes it is. 

And it really stings this year because she is more excited for her birthday than any other child ever has been in our family. She had literally been asking about it for 3 months. Not for the presents.. but just to have people sing happy birthday to her. That is all she wants.

..but 3. How. How can she possibly be 3?

I was hero that day.. I can see that in your eyes.. and you are mine now. Please see that in my eyes..
I was hero your that day.. I can see that in your eyes.. and you are mine now. Please see that in my eyes..

I remember reading Renees blog .. about how it shocks her a little every time a growing Baby Charlotte runs up to her. I didn’t think I was like that.. But I guess I am. .. Because my mind can’t seem to wrap around the baby that is frozen in time  at 9 months old.. is now turning 3.

Not to mention the irony that tomorrow is another 12th..

and you always wanted her near. ..even in the end.. 

we gave her the choice. and she always chose to have Baby Charlotte stay home.
we gave her the choice. and she always chose to have Baby Charlotte stay home.

I told Charlotte before bed about what I was doing 3 years ago at this time. And it seemed like yesterday. I could so easily relax back into that time.

And breath. I don’t think I really breath anymore.. I think my breathe always catches.. that I never relax enough to fully inhale.

So I immediately had a feeling of peace relaxing back into that time.. When Jennifer was here.. when life was simple. When we were all so fucking innocent.

joy. this is how i imagine you now. hair flying around you. joy.
joy. this is how i imagine you now. hair flying around you. joy.

I told her how I knew it would be soon so I told Daddy to shower and shave his head.. And then my water broke. I told her that her brothers and sister were already in bed.. and by the time they woke up she was here. .

It scares me how much more real that time feels to me than right now. How that feels like real life.. and today feels like a fantasy..

I didn’t know I felt like that..

I stopped the story then.. The rest was too hard to continue with. .. How I couldn’t wait for the kids to come meet her. How I couldn’t wait to tell Jennifer she got her wish. It was a girl. Our photographer stayed.. just to get pictures of the kids meeting. I will always always be eternally grateful for these pictures.

I feel like Charlottes birthday should at least be bittersweet.. but all I taste is bitter..

I am so mad. I am so fucking mad. Cancer stole so much from us. .. and it doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. ..

3.. how? how is that even possible? 3..

I feel like I have been punched in the gut. A sucker punch that I was completely unprepared for. ..

oh.. but maybe you chose that for me?..

..this is us now. I am looking to you as you look over them. smiling. happy. full.
..this is us now. I am looking to you as you look over them. smiling. happy. full.

oh jennifer

i feel like i am still learning so much from you.

and about you.

oh jennifer

she is 3.

3.

sissy.. can you believe it.

DSC_0942 (1)…until there is a cure..

16 Responses to “is 3 real?”

  1. It seems impossible. I don’t even personally know you and I can’t believe it. God bless your sweet Charlotte, and all of you!! <3 <3 <3

  2. wow, most adorable pictures. such Joy in Jennifer’s expressions. what a doll! god, i’m so sorry she is not here with you — surely watching over you but i want her here.

  3. I can’t believe it either. Time was supposed to stop when Charlotte was a baby and Jennifer was still here.

  4. Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. Sending lots of love your way. And I realize how lame that sounds, and I’m sorry.

    For what it’s worth, of course Jennifer forgives you. There was no question in my mind that she wouldn’t.

    Silvia Cummings

  5. My friend…. thank you for bearing such heartbreak and pain and for helping us see the light as well….that beautiful light which is your Jennifer. <3

  6. Happy Birthday Charlotte. You can see the pure love and joy that Jennifer has for her siblings. We love you Jennifer. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  7. Happy 3rd Birthday Charlotte!! Thank you Libby for continuing to share your pain with us, to share your children & for being such an amazing momma to your babies, all 5 of them xo

  8. I just adore Charlotte!! She does feel like a connection to Jennifer to me. I pray she has a wonderful birthday and that your pain will be turned to joy.

  9. This post really grabbed my heart and tore a piece out of it. I don’t usually cry, but I can barely write through the tears. I am so sorry that cancer stole so much from your family…even from days that should be celebrations. I am eternally sorry. I promise to give everything I can to fight this monster…I will not stop until we get rid of DIPG all together…no family should be given no hope. I hate DIPG so fucking much. ((Big hugs))

  10. I don’t want to feel sorry but I do. I want to feel something other than heartbroken reading this. Well I do. Grateful. Grateful in a way I never take for granted because of you and because of Jennifer. Sending love for Charlotte’s birthday. Jennifer feels so present in every picture, so real and I know she is watching over you. She shouldn’t have to be but I know that she is.

  11. Happy birthday Charlotte! When you put up pictures the other day it was Nicholas who made me pause. He’s such a little man now, he was just a chubby baby then, now he looks like a boy. It made me pause and think how long it has been, when did he get so old. They are all so grown now. Like others I wish Jennifer were here. To help, and protect these siblings of hers.

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