Tomorrow morning I wake up to a 3 year old little girl…
and it makes me sick to my stomach. and really really angry.
I, like all moms, get a touch melancholy about their birthdays.. about how quickly time passes once you are a mom.. But my ridiculous decorating the night before their birthday has helped it become a fun night..
Birthday eve. The other kids get to stay up and help decorate and wrap presents. I make the birthday kid a birthday chair horrifically decorated in balloons and streamers.. Its made me happy to have them turn a year older. A day all about them. . and I like giving them that. Nothing expensive.. just attention and traditions.
I’m usually excited about their birthdays. .. even after Jennifer died I still have loved.. maybe even more if thats possible.. decorating and getting the house all ready after the birthday kid goes to bed.
But not Charlotte.
baby charlotte was my gift to you.
And it really stings this year because she is more excited for her birthday than any other child ever has been in our family. She had literally been asking about it for 3 months. Not for the presents.. but just to have people sing happy birthday to her. That is all she wants.
..but 3. How. How can she possibly be 3?
I remember reading Renees blog .. about how it shocks her a little every time a growing Baby Charlotte runs up to her. I didn’t think I was like that.. But I guess I am. .. Because my mind can’t seem to wrap around the baby that is frozen in time at 9 months old.. is now turning 3.
Not to mention the irony that tomorrow is another 12th..
and you always wanted her near. ..even in the end..
I told Charlotte before bed about what I was doing 3 years ago at this time. And it seemed like yesterday. I could so easily relax back into that time.
And breath. I don’t think I really breath anymore.. I think my breathe always catches.. that I never relax enough to fully inhale.
So I immediately had a feeling of peace relaxing back into that time.. When Jennifer was here.. when life was simple. When we were all so fucking innocent.
I told her how I knew it would be soon so I told Daddy to shower and shave his head.. And then my water broke. I told her that her brothers and sister were already in bed.. and by the time they woke up she was here. .
It scares me how much more real that time feels to me than right now. How that feels like real life.. and today feels like a fantasy..
I didn’t know I felt like that..
I stopped the story then.. The rest was too hard to continue with. .. How I couldn’t wait for the kids to come meet her. How I couldn’t wait to tell Jennifer she got her wish. It was a girl. Our photographer stayed.. just to get pictures of the kids meeting. I will always always be eternally grateful for these pictures.
I feel like Charlottes birthday should at least be bittersweet.. but all I taste is bitter..
I am so mad. I am so fucking mad. Cancer stole so much from us. .. and it doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. ..
3.. how? how is that even possible? 3..
I feel like I have been punched in the gut. A sucker punch that I was completely unprepared for. ..
oh.. but maybe you chose that for me?..
i feel like i am still learning so much from you.
and about you.
she is 3.
sissy.. can you believe it.
…until there is a cure..