Category: child loss birthdays

inside out

Its a grind for us all right now. Just passing our 2 year anniversary of her diagnosis and birthday. Its like the start of our really hard time. And frankly we just really don’t want to do it. I am mad. I am angry. I have done this all before and I just don’t want to have to do it all again. Now its not the fear of the unknown.. It’s the known. But we already did it. We already had a Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years Eve without her.. And I don’t want to have to face it again. Halloween was good. We had fun. .. But it was so hard. A grind. Like gravity is so much stronger right now. This force and pull pushing and forcing me down. I should say us. Because my husband .. He is struggling too.. For all the same reasons. Its[…]

train is coming

Her birthday is coming. Like a fucking train. I am staring at a train, barreling right for us and I cannot get us out of the way. I want so desperately to make it a celebration for her .. for them too.. But I don’t know how. I am crippled from the pain right now. I feel like a failure. I couldn’t keep her alive. And I can’t feel joy in the blessing of 6 years with her. All I can see right now is the nearly 1 year 8 months I have endured without her. Dear God… That’s a long time. no. no. no. It can’t be real. I think maybe this all started in counseling.. When Tony said something had been changed for 5 years.. And my immediate thought was no. No. Maybe 1.5-2 yrs at most. But instead I just started crying. Because he was right. Because[…]

#forTHEMbecauseofHER

Her birthday is coming. .. She should be 8. This should be a celebration. She loved her birthday. I loved her birthday. But now I am dreading it. Terribly. No balloons to blow up.. no birthday chair to decorate.. no candles to blow out. . No presents. No joy. No happy.. But she deserves more that that. She is worth celebrating. you hear me sissy? Only 6 years we got with her. A friend recently emailed me. About preparing for her soon to be 8 year olds birthday. We went to this girls 6th birthday party shortly before Jennifer was diagnosed. Our friend stumbled across the wrapping paper she had used for a game at that party.. And she was hit.. a rake to the face moment. That damn wrapping paper is still here.. but my dauhter isn’t. And its not ok. Its not fair. I don’t get to celebrate[…]

october 1

The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives. I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research. But I miss her. Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come[…]

a bench

Two days in the books of school for my “not supposed to be the oldest”.. It still doesn’t seem real. Like a fog that he is in kindergarten. Because Jennifer is in kindergarten .. so he can’t possibly be. .. Because if he is.. well then where is she? I know. I know the answer but apparently the mind and heart can do incredible things to protect themselves.. because some parts of me still seem to be content in denial. Like if I close my eyes and just breathe I can go back. I can pretend its not real. Every morning I face it again. Every morning I re-remember. .. one is missing.  I thought it was just then.. that fleeting first moment of opening my eyes. .. But I was wrong. It seems it is bigger and integrated into more areas of me than I even knew. Jonathan seems[…]

Let’s play family

Its all of us.. in different ways. Last night it was just me I was worried about and feeling sorry for .. just me alone in missing her I thought. You would think by now I would know better.. On their birthday cards to me .. both boys had Tony write about forever. Me loving them forever or being with them forever. As I read the word aloud I looked at them… as their bright blue eyes pored into me.. I could see them questioning and needing me so much in their moments. Its so hard to know… to predict how things will hit them. But it does. Both already know that sometimes those we love leave us. And they are scared I will leave them too. BC (before cancer) I would have held them and said I would never leave them.. I think I would have meant it.. But[…]

happy birthday mama

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have never been a big birthday person. Always feels like a set up to get your feelings hurt. Now I really hate it. I made videos for everybody else.. Jennifer singing them all happy birthday… I wanted her to do it for me too.. but she thought it was too silly… not a good surprise if I knew. I will only have one wish as I blow out every candle for the rest of my life. So I try to quiet my mind and fight the urge to wish for the impossible… The no. The please not her. The wake me up from this nightmare. I will never win that fight. I will always want it. My heart and souls longing will always be louder and stronger than me.. they will always swallow up my my minds attempt to silence them. There will always be[…]

ultimate graduation

Its been a really full past few days. So much going on with Unravel. 2 MNO coming up and a golf tournament.. A few different interviews and our fluttering kits going on sale.. Its been easy to escape into it all.. Its been hard to escape into it all.. Will I ever not need to actively grieve? Will I ever be ok to go more than a day without crying without a crushing weight bearing down on me? I don’t know.. I really don’t. But I am starting to worry I may never. That losing my eldest child is truly so horrible I will never not have to succumb. . even just a little every day. Along with Unravel we had sickness that has kept us homebound for several days. Jonathan missed his last day of preschool because of it. That was ok though, because he seems to be battling[…]

average and normal

The average and the normal are so difficult right now, I wonder if it will always be that way. And honestly either way has its downside. Jonathan can ride a bike. He learned so fast .. Tony got him doing it in a day. Jennifer never learned. Her little brother can do something she never could. .. Thats just going to keep happening. It was surreal, time almost felt like it was moving in slow motion. I was so excited about him learning how to do it.. and so happy to see him so proud. And I missed her utterly… terribly… I can’t believe he is already passing up his sister. And I felt guilty. She had a bike but was a tiny bit too small for it still. We got it for free. Instead of spending money and buying a new one I banked on unpromised time. Time that[…]

a rainbow

I know she is proud of me tonight. I just do. I almost never think what would Jennifer want me to do… Its just not something that seems to resonate with me. But it did today. Today I felt worried I would be letting her down.. worried that she wanted me to do something I wasn’t sure I was capable of. Going to one of her best friends 6th birthday parties. .. I have a fairly large Facebook network now (I know total lame brag right) and I see a lot of birthdays come into my feed. Often just from a friends liking a picture or commenting on it. I see them and I want to scream. Imagine. Imagine if today you find out your child will die. No hope. No cure. If you find out that this birthday you are supposed to be celebrating will likely be their last?[…]