Category: child loss birthdays


I rarely share photos of the signs we get.. but wanted to share the one above. It was the night before her birthday. A night Tony and I should have been planning ways to show her our love for her.. Instead she sent us her love.. some from Mommy and some for Daddy. Our birthday trip minus the birthday girl. She was born in Sacramento. It is a great town with so much to do for our aged kids. We missed her.. terribly.. but we made memories with our living babies while we grieved the one missing. Forever you will be missed. …until there is a cure…

First Halloween

Halloween. Another milestone met and past us. We changed it up. We did things totally different than we normally do and I think it helped some. I was moving and going and doing all day.. Actually I think thats my new thing. I am keeping myself so busy I don’t feel. But that also means I don’t feel any connection to her either. Since she is dead.. part of my connection to her is my pain. .. when I run like I have been I feel an extra distance from her. i miss you sissy miss.. but its so big right now not much scares me.. the depths of it all right now though.. I’m scared baby. Halloween was likely the start of it and I haven’t slowed for a moment. Until now. But I am fighting it. Having a hard time connecting to what is rattling around inside of[…]

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

7 years

I want to avoid writing. I want to avoid feeling. Last night we got together again with family to .. well just be together a year since Jennifer was diagnosed with a incurable form of cancer. .. DIPG. A cancer that is vicious and cruel and leaves no survivors. Waking up today I was .. well I was a bit hung over . . but also felt so strange and off. Because I have lived this before. I have lived Oct 29th before. I have sat down at my computer and written via caring bridges about our journey on these days… Unreal..  yet so real. One year since I became a full fledged cancer mom. In a lot of ways today was harder than yesterday. That day.. the 28th.. which also happened to be.. or rather should have been her 7th birthday. One person reading my blog said she thought[…]

Happy birthday

Happy birthday. That used to be a simple innocuous saying.. now such a loaded statement. I don’t know what to say.. A year ago I was just a mom.. then a little after noon I became a mom to child with a terminal brain tumor. Jennifer   We should be blowing up balloons. We should be telling her to stay in her room so she doesn’t ruin her surprises. Her brothers should be getting the chance to decorate for her.   Instead we are in a hotel.. running hard and fast from the truth that haunts us. Tomorrow she is truly and completely forever 6. Because when you don’t turn 7 what else is there? Happy forever 6th birthday buggers She should be blowing out 7 candles..opening presents.. and feeling extra special for the day. We should be getting to show her our love in lots of little ways. Instead we[…]