I want to avoid writing. I want to avoid feeling.
Last night we got together again with family to .. well just be together a year since Jennifer was diagnosed with a incurable form of cancer. .. DIPG. A cancer that is vicious and cruel and leaves no survivors. Waking up today I was .. well I was a bit hung over . . but also felt so strange and off. Because I have lived this before. I have lived Oct 29th before. I have sat down at my computer and written via caring bridges about our journey on these days… Unreal.. yet so real. One year since I became a full fledged cancer mom. In a lot of ways today was harder than yesterday.
That day.. the 28th.. which also happened to be.. or rather should have been her 7th birthday. One person reading my blog said she thought it was just 7 years I have loved her..
She will never be 7.. or 10.. but for each of those years.. and many more I will have loved her.
7 years of my life.. spent loving and thinking about my Jennifer. 7 years I have been a mom.. but my oldest child is only 5.
7. I can’t even imagine her at 7. I try. I want to.. but I can’t. The number 7 just seems so foreign to me.
Pictures of Jennifer with her extended family were hung up in the entry way at my sisters house of the party. At one point I was looking at them and almost called out to Jennifer.. to come see a picture and what a goof she was in it.. to see if she remembered what I had told her that day..
But then I remembered.. the birthday party for the girl that wasn’t here.
Those moments. Those blissful seconds I have forgotten are amazing. Although the crash afterwards is quite dramatic I am thankful for them.. I will grieve those brief respites the day that ends.. Today it was the halloween buckets from last year and the plan to use them this year.. but as we got them out I looked and thought.. oh wait this won’t work only 3..
.. then I remembered .. we are back to only 3 trick or treaters again. .. internal peace followed by internal war.. The parts of me that just don’t want to know.. don’t want to remember the horror we are living everyday.
Today in counseling I realized how numb I am .. To so much. I miss me. I miss my old depths. But I just cannot feel the joy.. the happy, the love way I used. Its not a total void of the emotions. No like the one time I struggled with some postpartum issues. because then it was just like I was a empty cavern.. and I am not that.
Its really just that my sad.. my pain .. it is so big nothing else can be felt in its shadow. It fills up and consumes me. I carry my grief with me.. it is in everything I do. We talked today about how that is so different than how it is for Tony. And even so different than the way I seem. Even my husband didn’t know how shallow my well of joy is.
I can smile. I can laugh and I most certainly love. But its not vivid. Its duller.. and distant and feels very much like I am experiencing it from the distance of a cold dark tunnel.
We did candles for her birthday. All of us. I was worried about how long it might take to light all those 35 or so candles but people passed the flame from cupcake to cupcake. .. we wished her happy birthday.. made a wish and blew out our own candles.
Candles shone in a darkened room
to show you..
to remind us
about the 7 years
7 years you have been loved
I love you more and more every day.
and I still will
every single day..
’til I see you again