six

Six.

Never has a number had such power over me.

Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven.

Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6.

how?

How is that even possible.

Her bubbas..

I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. .

But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear.

please help me keep him safe.. 

I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies behind you, the potential peril you can’t see. ” And it is exactly what lays beneath it all for me. The fear of what I can’t see.. The obsession looking at pictures where she has that slight turn in her mouth…

A full year before she was diagnosed.. Was it happening then? Was she in pain.. struggling to see?? And I didn’t know. Was the monster already taking hold of her and I missed it.

how long did i let you hurt before that? were you scared before that?

I can remember the exact moment I noticed it..Standing in our kitchen in her navy uniform.. telling her to stop making her eye go crossed.. I took a picture of her eating a plum right after.. Because it was just a normal fucking day.. Except it wasn’t .. I just didn’t know that. And now I can never ever forgot that.

I know it doesn’t even make sense.. I know that chance of something happening to him is widely unlikely.. but this isn’t logic. Its just pure emotion. So I rubbed his back and woke him this morning. .. feeling the health of him under his blanket with an enormous gratitide for it and fruitlessly searching my memory for the feel of her..

oh jennifer..i’m still losing you aren’t i.. little by little… damnit

I had to swallow down that lump as it rose. I will do anything to avoid letting him see a moment of my reservations. Of my ache and of my scared.

Because he holds enough of his own. This boy of mine. His depth is vast.. and it can be so dark. My wish for him is to simply enjoy tomorrow.. to not make the connection.. I just want one day of innocent joy of turning 6.

 help me protect his heart .. 

Starting kindergarten .. it kicked up so much for him … it unearthed fears that had been lingering.. growing inside of him. If he realizes he is also turning 6 right after the year starts.. I don’t know how to help him through it..

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

It was never supposed to be this way.

but it is. So much stolen from all of us. We lost her. Years and years of her.. and we lost the simple joy of their 6th birthdays. ..

i miss you

but tonight its your bubbas

comfort him jennifer

the way only you can.

..until there is a cure..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Responses to “six”

  1. Have missed your writing/blogs. Happy Birthday to your Bubbas and started our fluttering tonight in honor of your sweet Jennifer💕💕

  2. Jennifer lives on, in every atom, in every ray of light, in every corner of the universe. Her very essence evident in you and the kids.
    I pray the you find peace and joy that will someday outweigh the heartache. Until then… Much love to you and your family.

  3. Im not just sorry…
    Being active – just donated ❤️ 👍

    Your Jennifer – your words – have changed my life.

    I am forever grateful that you decided to start this organization and blessed us all with your writing about your sweet girl. She will always be remembered.

    I am forever sorry that this happened in the first place.

    ❤️
    http://Www.thon.org
    I was a part of pediatric cancer awareness as a college student by dancing in this marathon twice – I thought you might like to see it. 💕

    May God bless you and your beautiful family. May He protect you as this difficult time draws near. Take good care Libby.

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