The eve of another 12th..
..the last 12th before THE 12th. Before it all just starts over again. And its just another day we have lived without her. .. again.
How much heartache can one little home hold?
Tony is crying .. often. Daily. Its heart wrenching to see the man I love look at me with so much despair.. and I have nothing to offer him. This morning I started to say do you have any idea what we can do to make it better for you. But I stopped myself. Because I know the answer.. and even if there was something I know we shouldn’t be stopping it anyway.
But he is hurting. A constant missing of her. A constant empty and lacking for him. That digs and digs .. and just seems to be unrelenting. And harder each day.
I want to help him. Somehow heal a break that I already know will never really heal. Its got to be so hard to be a man in this level of desperate heartache. I am surrounded by people asking.. and really wanting to know “how are you?” “How were the holidays?” He isn’t. Im not even sure if he could anwer those questions anymore.
..he can’t talk about her without crying.
And hearing that. The break in his voice. The pain oozing out. It will always take me right back to that night when we knew she had a tumor but not the prognosis. Sitting in our tv room he swore. No matter what he would walk her down the aisle.
He meant it to. With everything inside of him. He meant it. But we didn’t know then we wouldn’t have any choice in the matter. I think I believed him too. I think I thought there was no way this thing could beat our family. No way it could take our little girl.
13 months ago. It did. It stole it all from us. Her future and ours. I never planned to run a non-profit. To have any responsibility other than caring for my children and my husband. I didn’t know the way I was going to do that was this. Unravel.
I can’t help it though. I wonder all the time if she had gotten more time. Not even had the chance to live out a full life.. but just even a few more months what more could Unravel have grown to be while it was still just simply Love4JLK. How many more people could have fallen in love with my daughter while she was still here. How many people would have become invested in her.. because once you saw her.. you couldn’t help but care. She always had that innate ability. .. to make people lean in.
3.5 months from diagnosis to death. I am here now feeling so cheated not out of the years we lost.. but simply the months.
This time last year we were doing our Make A Wish trip to Disney World. I wonder if we would have taken her to the Disney resort in Hawaii? She would have loved that. Or one more camping trip. How many forts we would have built and walks in our PJs?
Where is my pain?
Tony is so full. And Jonathan too. When I look at them I see it. I feel it … for them and from them but not with them. I am scared. Scared for when it does actually hit me. I miss her. Daily. Constantly. But I don’t feel broken. I just feel like I am on auto pilot. Pushing through everyday.. knowing I am one day closer to her.. but tonight it hits me a little. Everyday closer to seeing her again is one day further than the last time I kissed the top of her head and heard her say I love you Mama.
But where is that pain? Its not going to my depths. I feel so distant from my own heart. The pain I feel is watching my Jonathan and Tony hurting so much … I hurt for them. But not with them. I miss it a little though.. It was a connection to her. And without that the distance between us seems so big.
those 4 words
i have never ached for something so deeply
i love you mama
the way you said it gave me such power
i love you jennifer.
to heaven and back
..until there is a cure..