I am still me.. but never ever really the same.
I went to a MOPS group this morning. I was at a table with some ladies I knew.. and some I didn’t. ok cool. It started with a ice breaker.. we just took turns sharing a little bit about ourselves. nailed it. Then the video came on. The topic was what is your worst mom nightmare. oh crap.
As our table shared I got to speak initially with another mom about my before cancer mom life experience. I got to share the same way I used to about my experiences.. my success and failures. I loved it. It was so nice to just be a mom of 4 kids again… for a moment. Until it was my turn to share my worst mom nightmare..
So I shared. My worst fear did in fact come true. I have always been scared to lose a child. To have one die before me. So since that fear is now gone.. or actually a reality my worst fear is now simply to have it happen again. I told the story about how I explained to Tony that our only job was to keep her alive.. not keep her from falling and hurting.. but just keep her here and alive. I never thought it was really possible I wouldn’t.
The video we watched mentioned both of those things.. but really zoned in on kidnapping.. and stranger danger type of stuff. And I wanted to scream. No stop it. Do not waste your time fearing those things.. Spend time fearing what 46 families are told a day. Your child has cancer. But I didn’t. I just sat and watched..
I sat there and wondered what this meeting would be like if we hadn’t had to face our worst fear.. I couldn’t even imagine it. Its almost been a year now.. How is that possible? It feels like yesterday.. the pain is still so fresh and palpable. .. But it also feels like forever ago. Like I can’t even begin to remember what it felt like to be whole. Complete. To think my worst fears are just that .. fears.. not my actual life.
And I realize now writing I lied. My worst fear wasn’t one of my children dying it was simply being apart from them. 2 years ago right about now I started to freak out. Big time. About Jennifer going to full day kinder 6 months from then. I cried about it. I fretted about it. I researched homeschooling. Because the thought of being apart from one of my babies for 6 whole hours made my stomach lurch. I couldn’t stand the thought of not knowing what was happening in her life. To have her so far away so long.. so often. I was scared of how much I would miss her.
I think its such a big part of what I struggle with now. I want to know what its like for her. I think about it and sometimes talk about it. Recently with a friend who took her daughter to a mission for her school project shared with me that she felt this pull towards a particular headstone. One of a little boy. Gone before my grandmother was born. And she just felt a need to take a picture to share it with me. It said something to the effect that this headstone was his mothers last way to show and express her love. fact
So we talked about why she was pulled to turn around and go look at it again. We laughed quite a bit as I said what if its her heaven “boyfriend”. Jennifer had “a boy” everywhere she went. Maybe its this boy … who should be over a 100 yrs her senior. But isn’t. We laughed at the thought of her shouting to introduce this boy to us. We talked about what he would be wearing. What they are all wearing up there.. And I have no idea. None.
And that tears me up. Rips me apart.
To just simply not know anything about my 6 yr old anymore. I have no idea if we can even see each other in heaven. Or if we just know its them. I have no idea if she will age. Or if she misses me.
I remember crying all day that first day of kindergarten. All. Day. Long. I remember picking her up. Just me and baby Charlotte to take her out on a surprise cold yogurt trip. I remember when she saw me she started crying. And I felt such a swell of intense emotion. Worry about what had happened to her. Guilt that I hadn’t been able to protect her from whatever horrible thing had happened. Rage towards whatever hurt my baby. And gratitude for being able to pick her up in my arms knowing I would never EVER make her go back to this horrible place. School..
I calmed her and asked what was wrong. She told me she had lost her lunch bag. this is a problem I can fix!! I assured her it was ok. That we would find a solution and I asked if she had looked and she said she had. So I took her hand and said lets try together. And we did. We found it right there on the hook outside of one of the doors. And then it was done. She had learned and wanted to talk about tomorrow at school. seriously?? dang it!
In that moment I was able to guide her. To help her. Give her advice. Teach her. That’s how it is supposed to be. But now.. she is all of that for me.
i miss you.
i am supposed to be guiding you
but I’m not
you are guiding me little girl
please don’t stop
help me on a path to eventually get to you
…until there is a cure..