You ever look back and wonder.. wonder if on some level you knew your whole life story ahead of time?
There are moments since all of this I have done that. I wrote about it here .. about the signs I had seen along the way. Now too. How I look around and Jennifer is all over our home. Not just the new things.. the things we have added since she died, but so many places before she was even sick. Much more than the other kids.. I just never noticed it. But it makes it easier for me now.
I like to make memories with her in the background.
Every conversation I have.. Every new memory I make she is there.. in some way I there is a visual presence of her there.
And my all time favorite Christmas song. It has always made me pause. Made me stop. Listen. Think and cry. I realize I miss hearing it now.
“So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun…
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The war is so long
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear”
I read the lyrics and they speak to me so vividly about the fight we are now in. Not for the life of our daughter. That is a war we lost… and I use ‘we’ in a very broad sense.. Those of us that stood by and did nothing in this fight.. we lost
.. she is a casualty of our inaction…
A good year without any fear. Thats the goal right? I mean thats ultimately what unraveling pediatric cancer will mean. We can take away fear from kids and their families. We can. We just have to do it. All in. No excuses.
But what gets to me. What lyrics stick in my throat and make me swallow while trying to sing along.. What have you done? Another year over and a new one just begun.
This year. This new years will be the first I can look back and say I truly did something to try and combat the number one disease killer of our kids, more than AIDS, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and congenital abnormalities COMBINED.
How I wish it was different. I will always be burdened with this guilt.. that I did nothing before it was Jennifer. How unfair that was to her.
I am struggling a lot with my guilt. Its a huge portion of our counseling sessions right now. Something our therapist is trying to deflate a little. I don’t think she can. Because it is a simple truth. One that I cannot run from. I would love to see my FB feed the year before Jennifer was diagnosed.. see how many cancer stories my eyes passed over. How many opportunities I had to do something for her before I knew she needed her mommy to help her?
I wish I could have kept her out of all the pain.. I question whether or not I made all the right choices with her treatment.. but most days my legs can hold me up through those thoughts.. Its the simple inactivity that is a daily .. crushing experience.
Fairy is having a baby.. her first baby. This child will be the first I love that I am doing something for before I actually hold him in my arms. That feels good .. something I can whisper a thanks in his ear to Jennifer about. I know she met him before any of us. I know she held him… And I know she is the reason I can say I have done right by him since before he was born.
thank you baby girl
I look to 2015. With great trepidation.. for the ending of our firsts.. and the beginning of all the rest. But I also have hope. Because this year I will be active in the fight for 365 days. I will find ways.. big and small to make a difference. To get us just a little bit closer to saving kids and unraveling pediatric cancer. I couldn’t do this alone though. Without the help of old friends and new friends and friends I have never even met.
So thank you .. sincerely and from the bottom of my broken heart. I cannot wait to see what Unravel has in store for all in 2015. But I believe it will be great. It will be healing. It will be powerful.
and you my jennifer lynn
you will always be
the heart of it
…until there is a cure..