Happy new year. . this year 2015..
.. just one more thing Jennifer will never get to experience.
And I am hurting over it. So much. So much more than I expected to. We are all sick. It feels like we have been the whole fall/winter season and I can’t help but wonder if heartbreak can do that to a person.
To watch your child struggling with cancer. Its a helpless feeling. To hold her as she gets sedated… and watch as they bolt a mask over her face to the table she is sleeping on. To watch her struggle with horrific headaches and unstoppable throwing up. .. Its so hard. But I was right when I said it will get so much harder.. This is still one of my telling and long lasting things I have written .. how right I was .. for then and for now.
This. Right now. Its so much harder. This pain I feel. Missing her. To my depths.
Looking around my kitchen and knowing I have expired food in the pantry that I can’t bear to throw away because it was hers.. The 4 stools we bought .. and designed the kitchen around for the 4 kids that were supposed to be filling them. There is so much to go through .. to touch and try to organize. And much that really does need to be thrown away.
But I can’t. I am frozen. Thats probably not fair to the rest of my loves that share this home with me and her memory. I hope they can all look back one day and know how hard I tried. Know that I failed more often than I succeeded… but that I tried. So hard.
Her time capsule of a room. The sound machine still playing.. so there is always life and sound in here. Her princess back pack still filled from all the things she wanted on the plane ride back from DisneyWorld. And her bed. The one we got just for her to die on. Big enough for both of us to lay together with any equipment she might need.
Those memories.. of her final days are starting to flood me. Overwhelm me every moment they can. If I steal away a minute for myself for a shower.. or even just folding laundry while my youngest 3 play.. they find me.. and swallow me. Whole.
were you hurting?
were you scared?
im so sorry baby
i am so sorry
Jonathan too. He is waking up every night now crying. Sometimes he can explain it.. and sometimes he can’t. We figured out what started it for him .. Baggo night at the same place we had her services. Something got off kilter for him then. And we haven’t been able to bring him back on track. Its so helpless.
I do my best. To give them all of me. To let them see my struggle too.. with missing her. But also the fun and the joy they so completely deserves. Jonathan wants to also. He wants to have fun and find ways to incorporate her. A perfect example was yesterday he wanted to build a fort. He got out all the blankets. And they all had to be hers. I added in one that was just laying on the couch and he wanted it off. He wanted her to be in the blankets. So I embraced it.. walking that fine line of not encouraging it… but accepting it. Because I know.. he is 5. It won’t always be like this for him and I never want him to feel like he is letting me down..
We had a picnic of all the foods she liked. And we shared a few silly jokes. I yearned for her. To have her in that fort with us again. All of her.. not just the symbol of her covering us overhead.. but inside sharing in the moment.
The thing that struck me most as we transitioned from 2014 to 2015 wasn’t the changing of the year like I expected.. (though that has been tough)it was the realization that with 2015 came a new month. January. Last full month before the one year anniversary.
no. no. no.
Charlotte slept in my arms that night. She and Jennifer are the only 2 that I sleep well with. And I cried myself to sleep going into that first day of January. Because this is the beginning of the end.. The final month of firsts.. until I am stuck only with the rest of my life. .
I am trying to figure out what is best for all of us. Again I know I don’t want to be here. Though I love our home… I know its not where I want to be when the anniversary hits. But I don’t know if I want to be with just Tony or us and the kids I am forever grateful for. I am looking up and coming up with ideas for each possibility. .. But frankly I am paralyzed with fear. Of wanting to do what is right for all of us. Sometimes things come to me.. and I just know. I feel so lost in this thick fog.. unable to see.. I don’t trust myself to do anything right.
I know I seem powerful and steadfast in my opinions. Sometimes I am. Surprisingly often in this journey both before and after I have been able to trust my instinct. But right now I am shaken and full of doubt.
I am so full of self doubt right now I can’t even see my feet.. let alone the direction they should be moving…
..Because the most important part of my Mommy title was to keep them safe. I have failed.
And right now I am struggling so desperately to not continue failing them all. So now I crawl. I fall to my hands and knees and I crawl. Finding my way.. our way .. simply through touch.
help me buggers
i need you right now
mommys aren’t supposed to need their daughters like this
but i need you
your strength and your sight
help me jennifer
…until there is a cure..