integrity

Integrity.. its what you do when nobody is looking. Often I have forgotten that even when it feels like nobody is looking my most important and treasured audience usually is.

My kids. They deserve the best of me and they haven’t always gotten it. Its one thing I will be forever grateful to Jennifer and this blog for.. Helping me find my way to my every 12th promise.integrity5

For them because of her.. I will do it every 12th. This month I was lucky enough to have kids still young enough that they are my “them”. So I took them to a place I knew they would love. I took Jennifer there when she a little younger than Charlotte is now. A multi roomed preschooler fantasy land.

She never ever looked this chubby.. but I love the idea that maybe just maybe they wore the same fire hats
She never ever looked this chubby, so the picture made me laugh when I took it.  But now I love the idea that maybe just maybe they wore the same fire costumes

They loved it. We talked about her. What she would have liked.. how she taught them to be good siblings and me to be a better mommy. I remembered her distinctly in 2 of the rooms .. and no recollection of being in the others with her. I liked that. A little bit of new mixed with old memories.integrity6

My boys played so well together.. and did an incredible job of taking care of each other and their baby sister. It made me feel so proud.. and so lucky. One of my dearest friends sent me a text on the 12th. To tell me a story about Jennifer that she had just heard that day… it is .. who she was. .. it is who we all lost.

We had a end of radiation bowling party put on for Jennifer hosted by the man we lovingly call her santa. They even had gift bags for each of the kids. Apparently they all had little wands in them.. except for one of JLKs friends bag didn’t have it. So Jennifer gave hers to her friend.

Her tooth wasn't even loose but she worked so hard to pull it out. Tough as nails that girl
Her tooth wasn’t even loose but she worked so hard to pull it out. Tough as nails that girl

None of the adults knew. Jennifer did it because thats who she was. She had more integrity in her 6 years then most people.. me included have in their entire lives. I felt wave after wave after reading those words.. of missing my incredible little girl.. deep sadness wishing I had know how amazing she was while she was here.. and then anger. Anger that she is gone. Mad over what this whole world has lost by allowing her to die. Because she didn’t have to. ..

And then a mix of all of it. For my little family and the immense amount of grief we live with each and every day.

I love the pride they always both showed whenever they were together.
I love the pride they both showed whenever they were together.

Last I wrote I talked about the numb.. the drive to the play place was over an hour long and I quietly wept the whole drive. . about all sorts of things. A lot for some reason about her Godfather. What an incredible young man he is.. how much I hate that Jennifer won’t get to dance with him at his wedding (he isn’t even engaged.. I apparently just have a need to pre-grieve) And how I think she would have grown to be like him in so many ways.

I just missed her actively. And in front of my most important audience. But then we got there. And I had the space to really enjoy them.. being their mom and each of their own little personalities. Jonathan. So creative and the great protector. Always checking on his little brother and sister. Nicholas. So nervous to try new things but so brave to push himself to try. And Charlotte. Independent and hilarious.

We did a few cheers to sissy.. at lunch and before we left eating our popsicles. Because Jennifer loved a good frozen treat! We talked about how it has been 11 months since she moved to heaven. And that its a good time to remember her and try to be better because of her. This is my way to show them those words in action. To spend a whole day just putting a real concerted effort to be a good mom. What that means is different every 12th.. And I hope it always will be.

you are who i want to be

you are my hero and my idol

not because you fought cancer ..

but

because

you are simply the best person i have ever known.

integrity

…until there is a cure..

13 Responses to “integrity”

  1. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and your family, and how you and Jennifer have changed our lives. Jennifer, you are an inspiration. <3 I wish we could have met you. I hope to meet your family one day <3

  2. Totally off topic but I must say I heard this on the radio and automatically thought of Jennifer and you. It’s a website that you can send a glitter bomb to your enemies! While I know that it’s supposed to be a prank, I thought it was actually pretty cute and the whole glitter thing reminded me of you and your cause. Hope it can bring a small smile to you in such a hard time.

    http://gizmodo.com/this-site-will-send-a-glitter-bomb-to-your-enemies-anyw-1679232996

  3. Libby, I think you are doing such wonderful things & doing it “for them because of her” is the most amazing thing you could ever do for them. You are not only helping them through their grief but you are creating new memories for them & yourself. You are finding happy moments when there often feels like there are none & most importantly you are making sure Jennifer stays a huge part of their lives & helping them see that it is ok to smile & be happy while thinking/talking about their sissy & still missing her. These are all things they will keep with them forever, special little moments they will tuck away in their beautiful hearts & use to remind them how amazingly lucky they are to be able to say that Jennifer gave them such an awesome gift & that their parents were amazing through the hardest time in their little lives. xo <3 4 JLK

  4. you were down the street from us! we want to go next time 🙂 so proud of you all and especially Jennifer for being such a good role model and teacher.

  5. I think about Jennifer every single day. She has imprinted my heart forever. I wear my LOVE4JLK bracelet every single day. I think about all of you constantly. Jennifer has forever changed my life. You all have. For them because her. My them is my daughter….Thankyou ♡

  6. What a precious soul. She is still teaching; only her audience has expanded.
    Many prayers and so much love sent your way

  7. Beautiful. She has helped us to all make better choices and try to be better human beings. Tonight I turned my no into a yes. My daughter asked me to sit in the freezing cold to watch her perform a dance routine outside in the dark. I said no, let’s do it in the morning. Soon after, Jennifer came to my mind and I immediately said okay, let’s go. It made me so happy, such a simple thing. A memory made. So thankful that you continue to share your journey with all of us, Libby. Thinking about Jennifer and the Kranz Family everyday.

    XO

  8. You have an amazing daughter, Libby and I have no doubt you will see these same wonderful characteristics in Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte. They had a wonderful teacher who they love and cherish!!! xoxoxoxo

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