found me

Now it has found me. This deep dark monster pulling me down. I miss her so much right now. I am finding myself not wanting to leave the house anymore.

Feeling such a crushing depth of loneliness without her ..

Jonathan was at school and Nicholas and I found some old videos of Jennifer and watched them together. I just held his warm healthy body and sobbed. I reminded him how much Jennifer love him.. how many good times they had together. .. and we watched her. Remembering her voice and her laugh. The sing song way she said Mama.

I also heard my own voice. I think its changed now. I think this intense sadness has even changed that part of me too.

My 3 youngest are at my parents house playing with a cousin. Which is good.. because I needed this time alone. We have a board meeting here tonight so I won’t publish this til after that.. because the vulnerability is becoming to much for me. The numb of the holidays is gone.. and my feeling is back.. back with a vengeance.

I feel like I will break open constantly .. like it takes all I have in me to not curl up in a ball.. Stay in bed and cry. So to have people here looking at me that know.. I feel like I won’t have enough strength to subdue the onslaught. And once it starts I have no control anymore.  Its endless right now. Its a echo filled empty hole… my soul is screaming no no no please god no.. over and over again.

If somebody came to the door right now.. they would look at me.. My eyes so swollen and red and ask if everything was ok.. and all I would say is no. Jennifer is still dead. And right now the gravity of that is overpowering. .. and I feel like allowing people to know that intimacy of my heart is so scary. Scarier than its ever been before for some reason.

I want to go back.. to so many times before this. To just feel myself push her hair behind her ears again. How soft her hair felt under my fingers. She was my daughter always. But those 3.5 months she had cancer she somehow became my friend too. Its like we went through so many years in that short time. I tasted who she would have been… who we would have been.. I miss that so much.

I hate that she ever had to experience being in a hospital bed
I hate that she ever had to experience being in a hospital bed

But right now in this moment I just want to go back to being so broken. Taken care of. To the weeks right after she died. I didn’t leave the house.  I had no need to either. I want to have Tony here with me. I want to have my friend here taking care of all of us.. showing up with our Starbucks and sweeping the floor to keep herself busy. I just want to close it all off again. And only concentrate on breathing and grieving. Because just those two tasks are exhausting.

and because that time I was so much closer to her. She filled this house still .. her scent still fresh.

I ended up back in Charlottes room.. that was Jennifer first room in this house. There is a poster board in there filled with pictures that somebody made for her services. I looked at it and I begged her. I pleaded with her please to come back to me. To make this all not true. This time I started calling to her. no no no please jennifer no.. please come back to me. 

im so sorry baby

i know you are such a good girl

and you would listen to me if you could

im so sorry jennifer

sorry this happened to all of us

sorry I’m begging you to fix it

i am just sorry

found1

…until there is a cure..

18 Responses to “found me”

  1. I read this and weep along with you. It is so unfair. I also don’t understand how so many can just turn their backs, not care, not listen. It is so damn frustrating!

    I promise I will never stop caring, never stop spreading the glitter, never stop saying Jennifer’s name, never stop raising money and donating blood until there is a cure. I am sure it is coming in our lifetime, and I know Jennifer’s cells and Unravel will be a huge part of it.

    So many hugs from this stranger whose heart was also stolen by your sweet girl.

  2. You are brave for continuing to share your dark moments and the raw truth, Libby. We are all listening, praying and hoping.

  3. I am sorry too, Libby. Sorry that before your story touched my heart I didnt give a damn. I wasnt trying to make a difference. I didnt know the facts. I am sorry that I just scrolled through the posts on facebook because they were too hard to read. Too real of a reality to face. I am sorry that I had never tried to help our children; and I am really sorry it took the loss of Jennifers life for me to wake up and pay attention.

    I will always care. I will always try to make a difference in this pediatric cancer world. I will alway spread the glitter, and I will surely always read your words as long as you are willing to share them.

    Sending you love and light, Libby. You, more than anyone, deserve it. <3

  4. I struggled with grief, working in mental health made it worse in that everyone had an opinion about how I should be processing it appropriately. I was incredibly angry at being told what to do by people who had not experienced it for themselves. I lost my mother at a time when my own kids were toddlers. Being a mother and having to fill that role while grieving is so incredibly difficult, there isn’t the time needed to fall apart. This is a wonderful read about grief, one of the more accurate ones in my opinion. http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/getting-grief-right/?_r=1 Maybe it will provide positive perspective for someone.

  5. I am so sorry Libby. I will never ever stop caring. Never stop fighting. Jennifer will never be forgotten. She will remain in my heart forever. We love Jennifer and we love you Kranz family! We will always be here for you all. All 6 of you. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  6. Aw, Libby! I’m so sad and sorry for you. You are so tough. I felt every one of those feelings and my loss paled in comparison. I just want you to know I’m here crying with you. So unfair to someone so beautiful as you, and Jennifer.

  7. i am so sorry Libby…. Jennifer has touched so many of us and I just wish we could take ur pain away… I am still here daily reading and grieving with you…. You are an amazing mom, wife and person…sending lots of love!

  8. Libby, I have never met you nor your family, but became a “friend” through your blog. I heard Girl on Fire last night, and for the first time in a very, very long time, I got on my hands and knees and prayed that one day, you and your family can hear this song, and remember all the happy times with your Jennifer. That you and your family can dance with Jennifer watching and joining in from heaven and all of your hearts are lightened.. I, with all my heart, hope this prayer is answered.

  9. Your honesty is so incredibly brave- to have the strength to share when you feel so weak, to keep giving when so much has been taken from you. You are such an incredible woman and an incredible mother. My heart will never stop breaking for you and I will never stop reading the words you have the bravery to share.

  10. wow. you continue to move people with your thoughts and words. I know you wish it weren’t so. that you had no reason to be moving anyone except your family around from event to appt to playdate to school …Jennifer knows, and we know that if you could have, you would have breathed your life’s breath into her. You have moved me so. My mother lost three of her sons, and I three brothers. It still makes me ache but i never realized the depth of what she must have felt till this experience with you. She died when i was 26, so it’s been a few years. I wish i could have given her more support over the years i had with her. It’s something i’ll regret but the knowledge you have shared is going to impact me forever. Hugs again. Go easy on yourself, you can only do so much at a time.

  11. I never get over how intense it is to read your words, to sink into an iota of the depths with you. Every time, filled with tears, deep grief, a sense that I still can’t believe it happened. I grieve for you and the load that you carry, and I hope the tangible, REAL search for a cure that you started can bring you just a slight loosening of your load.

  12. I am so sorry Libby, I wish I could help, I wish I could bring back Jennifer, make this horrible nightmare go away. I wish I could send you love and support. I wish I could do something, so today I will donate again to Unravel, I will help in the only way I know how. Much love Libby, Until there is a cure!!

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