Now it has found me. This deep dark monster pulling me down. I miss her so much right now. I am finding myself not wanting to leave the house anymore.
Feeling such a crushing depth of loneliness without her ..
Jonathan was at school and Nicholas and I found some old videos of Jennifer and watched them together. I just held his warm healthy body and sobbed. I reminded him how much Jennifer love him.. how many good times they had together. .. and we watched her. Remembering her voice and her laugh. The sing song way she said Mama.
I also heard my own voice. I think its changed now. I think this intense sadness has even changed that part of me too.
My 3 youngest are at my parents house playing with a cousin. Which is good.. because I needed this time alone. We have a board meeting here tonight so I won’t publish this til after that.. because the vulnerability is becoming to much for me. The numb of the holidays is gone.. and my feeling is back.. back with a vengeance.
I feel like I will break open constantly .. like it takes all I have in me to not curl up in a ball.. Stay in bed and cry. So to have people here looking at me that know.. I feel like I won’t have enough strength to subdue the onslaught. And once it starts I have no control anymore. Its endless right now. Its a echo filled empty hole… my soul is screaming no no no please god no.. over and over again.
If somebody came to the door right now.. they would look at me.. My eyes so swollen and red and ask if everything was ok.. and all I would say is no. Jennifer is still dead. And right now the gravity of that is overpowering. .. and I feel like allowing people to know that intimacy of my heart is so scary. Scarier than its ever been before for some reason.
I want to go back.. to so many times before this. To just feel myself push her hair behind her ears again. How soft her hair felt under my fingers. She was my daughter always. But those 3.5 months she had cancer she somehow became my friend too. Its like we went through so many years in that short time. I tasted who she would have been… who we would have been.. I miss that so much.
But right now in this moment I just want to go back to being so broken. Taken care of. To the weeks right after she died. I didn’t leave the house. I had no need to either. I want to have Tony here with me. I want to have my friend here taking care of all of us.. showing up with our Starbucks and sweeping the floor to keep herself busy. I just want to close it all off again. And only concentrate on breathing and grieving. Because just those two tasks are exhausting.
and because that time I was so much closer to her. She filled this house still .. her scent still fresh.
I ended up back in Charlottes room.. that was Jennifer first room in this house. There is a poster board in there filled with pictures that somebody made for her services. I looked at it and I begged her. I pleaded with her please to come back to me. To make this all not true. This time I started calling to her. no no no please jennifer no.. please come back to me.
im so sorry baby
i know you are such a good girl
and you would listen to me if you could
im so sorry jennifer
sorry this happened to all of us
sorry I’m begging you to fix it
i am just sorry
…until there is a cure..