angels

 

All these things I am being forced to walk through. Nothing feels real right now.  Its like my body.. my heart.. my soul cannot accept that she is gone.. that I have to do this. These holidays.

My favorite Santa pic. She was so nervous so just held her letter up for him. Until it was time for Jonathan to go. Then she went right up.. to take care of her little brother.
My favorite Santa pic. She was so nervous so just held her letter up for him. Until it was time for Jonathan to go. Then she went right up.. to take care of her little brother.

 

Something in me snapped on Friday. Broke apart. And I cried off and on all day. I hate it. That cancer stole my daughter.. but also my 3 youngest babies childhoods. This shouldn’t be their memories for this time of year. But I can’t always stop it. I try .. I do try.

Because I know it impacts them. I know how they are my little men and want to protect me. .. do anything to keep their mommy from hurting. Friday morning it was a cluster of hits that took me down. . Jonathan worried it was the song on the radio he had said he liked.. so he told me I could change it.

“no baby.. its not the song.. Im sorry its hard right now. Its just a sad sissy day”

I ended the night in his bed.. telling him again.. “Im sorry its hard right now. Its just a sad sissy day. Thank you for making it also a happy Jon Boy day”.

And I meant it. I really really did.

girls5

girls8We put decorations up for Christmas 2 weeks ago for her.  It really mattered to Nicholas that we decorated her grave for Christmas. When we went shopping each of the boys picked out something to leave for her and something to bring home that matched. That way we all have a connection to each other.  The day we did it was too much for Jonathan and he ended up asking to go back home where Daddy was. Luckily we had friends with us.. I was able to quickly drive him home and leave the youngest two with our friends. How hard this is to navigate so many hurting hearts.

We went to visit on Friday. Our first time in the rain. This time it was Nicholas that was overwhelmed by it. We saw a huge tree at somebody else’s place… Jonathan said we needed to do that for Jennifer next year.

Oh my boys.. my wonderful sweet boys.. I wish so much I could fix this for you. I can’t though. I am so sorry.

Its so unfair to them. I feel absolutely awful. So I try. to bring it back.. To the concentrate on the insane amount of enjoyment they bring me everyday. I never knew it was possible to simultaneously live in agony and happiness…

.. but I promise it is.

Friday night was pillow fight night. A holiday of sorts that came to be by happenstance 1 year ago.. a impromptu pillow fight with my Jennifer.. I vowed to make a family tradition. We bought new pillowcases and decorated them. We had fun. I think they had a great time.  For them because of her.pfight

Our friends hosted a pillow fight party.. we made a impromptu choice to head over there. My friend that was here.. I mean really here, physically here throughout the end with Jennifer.. and after.. and still now. She opened the door. Tony took the kids in.. I waved to her to come outside. And we cried. I rarely do that with other people. But in that moment I needed to just share my grief.

I cried because right now I don’t want to be making memories “for them because of her”.. I just want to be making memories       with them. All of them. Such a simple wish.

I miss her..

What a pitiful description for the pain I am crawling through on daily basis.

But she isn’t here.. they are. So after our release. We went in and tackled the party. I am always 2 people now. I am always in 2 places now.  funny. talkative. caring. That’s what you see. That’s how I have always been described .. always will be. Now I am just all of that without eye makeup.

That inside person is new though.. I am talking to myself and her. Lost. Alone. Scared. Curled up in the corner of myself.

It had been raining and was dark outside. They had a jumpy house. I challenged Tony (who didn’t think I was serious) to a pillow fight in the ring. So I challenged my friends.. a bunch of us jumped in there. I was wild and having fun. Truly I was. Karate kicks and all. Soaking wet falling all over the place.

But the other person was there.. silently ever present.. Looking up to the night sky as I bounced harder and higher than I ever have.. I looked up and thought what if I could just get to her.. bounce high enough to breath in her scent again.

Thats how it is for me. Always. A part of me is constantly tortured with my want for her. For Jennifer. My missing piece.

 

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATonight we went on our traditional cookie, hot cocoa and Christmas lights drive. I baked gluten free cookies with Nicholas and Charlotte .. I had to have everything gluten free today. To bring her with us. As I got out the hot chocolate box I was frozen in place but the picture in the box. Blurry image.. so familiar though.

I had gotten the boys matching jammies. I wanted so much to see my girls there in their own matching sister cookie drive jammies.girls10

cookieWe waited so long. Fought so hard to become parents. I remember the first time out with her. Less than 2 months old. How perfect it all was. And then the years after. She helped me bake. And ate her fill of cookies and yelled out to her siblings to look at the lights. Even last year. Telling baby Charlotte as she held her little hand to look out the window.

And as we got ready to walk out the door Charlotte came over to me with her big sisters rain boot trying to put in on. So we did. Just one. And she stumbled her way out of the garage to the car. She wanted to wear it.. and I wanted her to.

i feel that chill now.. something coming over me as i type…

as i start to write a thank you to Charlotte .. i feel goosebumps on my warm arms

did you tell her sissy? did you whisper to her to bring you along?

thank you my girls.. best sisters.girls

We found some great lights. One place had lights moving to music so we got out to listen and watch. It was all songs from Disneyland.. and then Let it Go came on. And I stood there on the side walk wanting to not cry.. but unable to control it. Jonathan was in the car with Daddy.. so excitedly calling to me that “Frozen was on in there.” But then he saw my face.. and he knew I heard. I hate that. I cannot stand that I stole that moment from him.

girls11A few weeks ago,  right after we got our angel our boys decided they wanted to get one for Jennifer’s friend in heaven. But they were supposed to be moving this weekend so we waited. Construction never goes as planned though.. We ended our night bringing Jennifer’s friend in heaven .. Brecken. . we brought her family their glowing angel. Because I cannot even imagine how hard it will be 8 years from now.. As the world keeps right on spinning though part of ours never will again. Stopped forever that February 12th. How hard it is to think about our children being forgotten. So we each have a angel lighting our yard. Because our daughters will never let us forget them…

 

 i have so many wants this Christmas for you.

i hope you girls are playing

and laughing

angels in every sense of the word

 girls13

…until there is a cure…

 

 

14 Responses to “angels”

  1. No real words, since I know there is nothing I can say to comfort. But know there are people like me out there praying for your family daily, spreading the glitter….because of your Jennifer.

  2. Libby, My heart aches when I read your words of sadness and love for Jennifer. No Mother should feel your pain. God Bless you and your little Angel Jennifer.

  3. Each night I tell Jennifer to wrap her angel arms around you. I am praying even harder that you all have some peace this Christmas and in the days that lead up to February 12th. I am amazed by your courage and ability to put one foot in front of the other each day. LOVE4JLK always

  4. I’m certain they are Libby. And that they are bathed in the love of the birthday boy this Christmas. Praying for you to feel love and peace

  5. oh libby, i continue to follow your journey and cry out loud for you. i hug my kids so tight sometimes it bewilders them. and i say her name every day. jennifer lynn krantz. i ache for you. sending love and hope, a faraway friend you haven’t met yet

  6. kranz. why do i persist in putting the “t” in her last name? i messed that up in a comment a few months ago, too. I’m sorry.

  7. Hi…..we had our pillow fight on the 19th. Even with brand new pillows I hadn’t taken home yet. Somehow my 5 year old in all the excitement and keeping track of the date with her advent calendar said that December 19th is now pillow fight night. I just about choked on the air…..how did she know? did JLK somehow tell her? Amazing! Constantly in thought for you and your family……..from far away. Praying for peace, comfort and strength to get through this Christmas.

  8. I just have to tell you that your loss has touched me in a way that I don’t know how to explain. I don’t know if it’s the way you are able to capture your grief with your stirring words or the fact that when I look at your Jennifer’s eyes I see so much of my little girl who is also adopted. It doesn’t matter why I suppose. My daughter has a habit of pouring way too much glitter onto every art project we do. I’ve stopped trying to stop her…instead I take that moment to think of your family now. Thank you for sharing your girl with us, you are changing the way so many see childhood cancer. Your family is truly very special.

  9. Still here. Still reading. Still hoping every single day you have a little more light than the day before.

    Thank you for continuing to share your journey, Libby. I will continue to use my voice to help this cause; because of Jennifer. Because of you!

  10. Amazing description of your bouncing up to the sky to reach her, always aware of her even in the midst of wild joy. You are so beautiful with your language.

    We had our own wild pillow fight night for Jennifer, grateful for each swing of the pillow, thankful for Jennifer’s brief but stellar time here. <3

  11. I always look to the night sky to the star I call Landon! I told him to look for a new little angel her name is Jennifer and she will be your new very best friend you can sing and dance together for all eternity! xoxo Grandma!

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