Our home is decorated and Christmas season is officially here with the start of December. We decorated inside and outside this weekend. I wanted one more outdoor decoration and told the kids to look for one when they went out tree shopping with my parents. They came back knowing exactly what they wanted. A angel. Its perfect. .. well perfectly suited to us now. To remember what christmas is really all about. Love, family.. and Jesus.
2 years ago we jumped on the elf train.. those little toy elves that come for the month of December to kids homes to get to watch them be kids. Last year we put it out.. and then realized the girls and I would be leaving to go back to Palo Alto for her week of treatment. So I went out to buy a 2nd one. So she would get the fun of the hunt every morning. I found a girl one. She loved it. And on the weekends the elves were together.
They made their appearance this morning. In Jennifer’s stocking. The boys asked if sissy saw them. If they went to heaven too. I never know what to say so I always just try to give it back to them. Saying I am not sure what do you think. Then Jonathan got very serious and asked
“Do you think Jennifer put them there? ” Again I replied with the best of my arsenal.. Im not sure is that what you think?
“Yes.” then he looked at me with such a desperate pleading in his eyes. ” Do you think she was here? Like she just walked across this floor right here and put them there?”
I don’t think he took a breath waiting for me to answer. I had no idea what to do or say. My son is hurting with such big intense hurt.. the heart break of a grown man but with the hope of a child. That just maybe the magic of Christmas can bring her back.
I remember feeling this way last year. I remember when I realized she would always believe in Santa.. and that just maybe he is in her heaven – Remember with me here– Reading it again. . I cannot believe how connected these 2 moments are. My Jonathan’s little mind settling in a new place.. Both of my oldest kids.. confronting demons they never should have to.
This pure and innocent hope and faith he has.. that just maybe .. somehow she can just come back and be here again. I got down on my knees and told him the truth as I know it.
” I don’t know Jonathan.. I don’t really understand how it all works in heaven.” And the look of hope draining out of his face nearly ended me. ” I’m sorry son.”
He was broken .. I watched it happen right then. And there was nothing I could to do ease his heart. Before quiet time we read a few books together. One about our elves and Santa. I read it.. thinking about how much my hopes for who Jesus is and how Santa was depicted in this story are. Big and warm and loving. They listen. They both love..
Please be true. Please be taking care of my baby for me. Keeping her full of light and love until I can touch her again.. And then I can know for sure.
were you here sissy?
did your feet touch the ground
maybe even right now?
Are you beside me as I cry?
are you here jennifer?
one day i will know