santa and jesus.. not so far apart

Our home is decorated and Christmas season is officially here with the start of December. We decorated inside and outside this weekend. I wanted one more outdoor decoration and told the kids to look for one when they went out tree shopping with my parents. They came back knowing exactly what they wanted. A angel. Its perfect. .. well perfectly suited to us now. To remember what christmas is really all about. Love, family.. and Jesus.

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2 years ago we jumped on the elf train.. those little toy elves that come for the month of December to kids homes to get to watch them be kids. Last year we put it out.. and then realized the girls and I would be leaving to go back to Palo Alto for her week of treatment. So I went out to buy a 2nd one. So she would get the fun of the hunt every morning. I found a girl one. She loved it. And on the weekends the elves were together.

They made their appearance this morning. In Jennifer’s stocking. The boys asked if sissy saw them. If they went to heaven too. I never know what to say so I always just try to give it back to them. Saying I am not sure what do you think. Then Jonathan got very serious and asked

“Do you think Jennifer put them there? ”  Again I replied with the best of my arsenal.. Im not sure is that what you think?

“Yes.” then he looked at me with such a desperate pleading in his eyes.  ” Do you think she was here? Like she just walked across this floor right here and put them there?”

I don’t think he took a breath waiting for me to answer. I had no idea what to do or say. My son is hurting with such big intense hurt.. the heart break of a grown man but with the hope of a child. That just maybe the magic of Christmas can bring her back.

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I remember feeling this way last year. I remember when I realized she would always believe in Santa.. and that just maybe he is in her heaven – Remember with me here– Reading it again. . I cannot believe how connected these 2 moments are. My Jonathan’s little mind settling in a new place.. Both of my oldest kids.. confronting demons they never should have to.

This pure and innocent hope and faith he has.. that just maybe .. somehow she can just come back and be here again. I got down on my knees and told him the truth as I know it.

” I don’t know Jonathan.. I don’t really understand how it all works in heaven.” And the look of hope draining out of his face nearly ended me. ” I’m sorry son.”

He was broken .. I watched it happen right then. And there was nothing I could to do ease his heart. Before quiet time we read a few books together. One about our elves and Santa. I read it.. thinking about how much my hopes for who Jesus is and how Santa was depicted in this story are. Big and warm and loving. They listen. They both love..

Please be true. Please be taking care of my baby for me. Keeping her full of light and love until I can touch her again.. And then I can know for sure.

were you here sissy?

did your feet touch the ground

right here.

maybe even right now?

Are you beside me as I cry?

are you here jennifer?

one day i will know

one day.

elf9…until there is a cure..

18 Responses to “santa and jesus.. not so far apart”

  1. Jennifer is lovingly being taken care of by our Lord. We are spirit that takes form of a human for a such a short period of time then we return to spirit. The next time you are joined together with Jennifer it will be for eternity.

  2. I know for sure she is being taken care of by our Lord. And I’m not saying this only to comfort you. He put her in your life and took her away from you…all part of His plan. And I hope that doesn’t sound harsh, it’s not meant to. We don’t understand His ways but I know there is a reason. We may not understand it for many, many years but must remain faithful to Him. I see the impact you, Jennifer and many of your family and friends are having in this world and I can’t help but think that this us all part if His plan. I hope one day you know this. I am thankful for all of you and what you are doing in the world and have done in my own life and I don’t even know you. But thank you.

  3. Hello….

    I can not begin to thank you and Jennifer for the changes in my house and for opening my eyes!!! Forever grateful!!

    The other night my husband was going out and we were getting ready for dinner. Just my little and me. I called from the kitchen and said go grab a blanket and put it on the floor. The squeal was priceless……”A picnic!?!” Yes, baby, a picnic! A no into a yes…..my new household phrase! There is so much more quality time and patience in our home…..Jennifer did that….you did that! I also read (and honestly re-read) your posts and sob, such an amazing girl….children…..parents…..family. Know that you are prayed for, loved and remembered daily by strangers from afar. I could so easily be in similar shoes and do not take that lightly.

    Prayers for comfort, peace and Jennifer signs,

    Janeel

  4. I have hope. I wish I knew for sure. Jennifer. Jennifer. Jennifer. She is a magical little girl and although we don’t know it, I can feel that she is still working her magic. Love and Hugs and Hope to you all!!

  5. Yesterday morning, on my way to work, after reading about another child who died because of cancer (my cousin’s best friend’s child had neuroblastoma), I couldn’t help but cry at the unfairness of it all. Suddenly, I was overcome with fear- fear of death, does it hurt, does it just end, is there REALLY Heaven and God and Jesus? I was listening to KLove, like I do every morning before work, and a caller was on explaining how her father was pronounced dead in the ambulance on the way to the hospital due to heart failure. After laying on a stretcher in the hospital for an hour, he woke up. He was fine, alive, heart working. He said he last remembered falling asleep at home, and then feeling nothing but peace, love, and light. And then he woke up in the hospital, over two hours later, feeling like it had just been a blink of an eye. He said he knew, without a doubt, that Jesus wasn’t ready for him to come home to Heaven, and sent him back. That story instantly calmed me and gave me that reassurance I need- there IS Heaven and Jesus and God, and being in that place is a blink, when time passes much faster down here. I hope sharing it with you helps give you some reassurance as well. Someday, because of Jesus, you and Jennifer will be together again. And she will feel like it has only been a blink of an eye.

  6. I cried when I read this for Johnathan and for you. What a hard situation for both of you . He loved his sister so much and I know he misses her lots and I can just imagine that look on his face of pain when he asked you about her being there. Libby what a wonderful mother you are to those children. You are honest with them but yet tender enough so even though the truth may hurt your there to comfort them. My heart breaks for your kids and for you and Tony. So unfair to go through this. I follow other children with the same type of cancer that Jennifer had and it so hard to understand why at such a young age do they have to suffer so much. There is one little girl Kylie that has had two surgeries in less than 2 weeks I think and she is barely walking. I ask myself why would they be put on earth to suffer at a young age and then be taken away. As Krista said its all in Gods plan but the question remains why??? I pray that little Johnathan will be blessed with comfort these days. Christmas is such a happy time for children but that little boy has pain he is going through and it breaks my heart . I am praying for your family and I will continue to do so. Some days the words are so hard to find when I read your posts . I want to write something that will mean something and comfort you and I do the best I can. I only wish I was closer to hug you and your babies when things get difficult. You have changed so many lives Libby. Because of Jennifer we have all been changed and learned so much. Sending hugs and all my love to you and your family. <3 <3

  7. My heart aches for you and your whole family. I am so sorry for your sweet Jonathan. The posts about him affect me the most. I have a little boy just his age, and a girl not much older than Jennifer. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would deal with the grief of such a little boy, all while trying to live through my own. Thank you for sharing your family with us. I think of and pray for you all daily. <3

  8. Thank you for sharing your truth each day. My best friend’s daughter (my sweet goddaughter) is 4 and battling an inoperable brain tumor (at this time). I pray every day for a cure for all of our sweet babies…

  9. Oh that last picture. It is so beautiful. It is so perfect. How it is making me cry. Still with you, reading, saying Jennifer’s name every day.

  10. Libby, I am so touched by your sweet Jonathon. I pray everyday that things get a tiny bit easier for you, Tony & the kids. I pray that you feel Jennifer when she visits, and I know the kids can see her & feel her. Your doing a great job. I don’t leave a comment every time, but I am still here reading, crying, turning a no into a yes & spreading the glitter. xoxo Libby, until there is a cure.

  11. Jonathan is an extraordinary boy and he will be an extraordinary man. I know it must be hard not to tell him what he wants to hear, and your honesty is so admirable and so full of integrity.

  12. Man Jonathan is one amazing and extraordinary little boy. I pray he finds some comfort and peace. I know that Jennifer is being taken care of and LOVED beyond all measure by Christ today and every day. Though I regularly have questions and doubts and rage against Him, the fact of God’s presence is the one thing I always cling to. It’s often with white knuckles, but I know that as long as there is God it will be ok one day xx

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