love wasn’t enough..

Christmas is almost here.  A day I counted down to and used to love. Even more after having children then I did even as a child. It was pure magic to get to experience it with them..

My all time favorite picture of her with Santa.
My all time favorite picture of her with Santa.

I’ve lost that.

I’m sad. I miss my daughter. I look at her stocking and hate that I know it won’t be filled with gifts for her. Although we started a tradition last year that we are going to stick with. Santa will bring something to the whole family in honor of Jennifer. So at least her stocking will be taken down and laid out..DSC_0227

even though she won’t be here to run to it. ..

Just thinking about it all makes my stomach hurt… and clench .. And the same words tunnel their way through my brain.. Keeping me up. ..DSC_0101

but she’s only 6. just barely 6. 

And then my brain twists and shudders against the constant re-realization.

jonathan is 6 now too. barely 6. 

The disconnection of both of those truths stops sleep from finding me. .It drives my brain to go into overdrive.

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 I worry about my surviving kids. These 4 stockings that will be filled and lovingly laid out. I worry now about making it a magical and perfect day for them.

They need our joy and our happy. They need us to remember and honor their sister. Such a sharp thing to balance when we are filled with a swirl of our own emotions.

They still believe in Santa. All 5 of them do. I remember thinking and writing about how Jennifer would always believe in Santa.. I remember writing about how he would be in her heaven .. I found comfort in it then.. and I do now still.

Charlotte was not a fan.
Charlotte was not a fan.
His belief is so pure.
Nicholas is 4 and his belief is so pure.
Her first time meeting Santa.
Her first time meeting Santa.

I am worried this might be our last year with Jonathan believing… I think he still does, I’m pretty sure he does..

i hope he does.

Because I can see a maturity in his eyes now that isn’t typical of a 6 year old. The knowledge he has gained it has stolen so much. I just don’t want this stolen too. But re-reading this that I wrote last year has me thinking maybe it already was..

His expression is so "perfectly him"
His expression is so “perfectly him”

I look at pictures of her at this age. And she was so much more innocent and youthful than he was. DIPG stole all of her.. but also so much of him.

.. of them. ..

My kids know the worst life can throw at a person. They lost so much of their innocence when they lost their sister..learning sometimes you can do everything right but have it all turn out wrong. When they learned anybody they love can die..

I know it stole part of Bridgette before she even got here.. Because she was born into loss.. Born into knowledge that kids aren’t supposed to have.

..love sometimes isn’t enough. .

i wish it was

because you would be here

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..until there is a cure.

 

6 Responses to “love wasn’t enough..”

  1. She was and is loved! I had a friend ask me today, if my breast cancer has made me appreciate my children more. I told her that it has deepened my appreciation for my husband. But watching what you and your family went through with loosing Jennifer has affected me much more in how I see my children. Our family still prays for yours!
    May you would find your strength in the shadow of His wings. Psalm 17:6-8

  2. Love wasn’t enough to save Jennifer but perhaps it will be enough to let you survive this. Jennifer’s love and your love for her have spread so far and wide and taken root in so many hearts. Does that make it all worth it? No, absolutely not. Nothing will make it worth it ever. But again, maybe it will help you survive and be your strength when your own unbelievable strength is tested and depleted. Maybe the magic of her spirit in all of us who are invested in her and you and this fight will fill some of the void and loss of Christmas magic that was taken from all of you. Nothing will ever replace but maybe it can help repair. You are all in the forefront of my thought and heart and prayers. Lots of love and magic to all of you.

  3. Love can not save someone from dying, but it can certainly make a bond that never ceases to exist. That “invisible string” that ties a family together. Jennifer still feels the love from her family, and I pray that you can still feel it from her. Absolutely nothing can take the love away. I’m so sorry that her moving from Earth to Heaven has taken so much from your surviving children. My 5 year old daughter has developed a lot of issues with anxiety related to the death of her grandmother (my mom), which happened when she was only 3 1/2. I could only imagine how much worse her “problems” would be if it were a sibling. I’m so sorry for their loss of innocence. Someday, your family will be all together again. I’m so thankful for the promise of eternal life through Jesus. It is what keeps me together since the sudden death of my mom. I cling to it. Sending so much love to you, Tony and your children.

  4. Such a balancing act to pull off!! But you and Tony seem to with such grace! (will he be mad that I called him graceful?)

    I love that Charlotte has on her Cinderella dress……a princess dress, much like I’m sure her older sissy would’ve worn!!

    Praying for the Merriest of Christmases possible for your family! #Love4JLK

    Janeel
    (MD)

  5. So many adorable pictures of Jennifer. She truly was a droll, sweet girl. Her siblings, the same innate sweetness.

    What a great tradition for her stocking to carry something for the whole family from Santa. You always find a perfect way to honor Jennifer while bringing joy as well as grief.

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