Christmas is almost here. A day I counted down to and used to love. Even more after having children then I did even as a child. It was pure magic to get to experience it with them..
I’ve lost that.
I’m sad. I miss my daughter. I look at her stocking and hate that I know it won’t be filled with gifts for her. Although we started a tradition last year that we are going to stick with. Santa will bring something to the whole family in honor of Jennifer. So at least her stocking will be taken down and laid out..
even though she won’t be here to run to it. ..
Just thinking about it all makes my stomach hurt… and clench .. And the same words tunnel their way through my brain.. Keeping me up. ..
but she’s only 6. just barely 6.
And then my brain twists and shudders against the constant re-realization.
jonathan is 6 now too. barely 6.
The disconnection of both of those truths stops sleep from finding me. .It drives my brain to go into overdrive.
I worry about my surviving kids. These 4 stockings that will be filled and lovingly laid out. I worry now about making it a magical and perfect day for them.
They need our joy and our happy. They need us to remember and honor their sister. Such a sharp thing to balance when we are filled with a swirl of our own emotions.
They still believe in Santa. All 5 of them do. I remember thinking and writing about how Jennifer would always believe in Santa.. I remember writing about how he would be in her heaven .. I found comfort in it then.. and I do now still.
I am worried this might be our last year with Jonathan believing… I think he still does, I’m pretty sure he does..
i hope he does.
Because I can see a maturity in his eyes now that isn’t typical of a 6 year old. The knowledge he has gained it has stolen so much. I just don’t want this stolen too. But re-reading this that I wrote last year has me thinking maybe it already was..
I look at pictures of her at this age. And she was so much more innocent and youthful than he was. DIPG stole all of her.. but also so much of him.
.. of them. ..
My kids know the worst life can throw at a person. They lost so much of their innocence when they lost their sister..learning sometimes you can do everything right but have it all turn out wrong. When they learned anybody they love can die..
I know it stole part of Bridgette before she even got here.. Because she was born into loss.. Born into knowledge that kids aren’t supposed to have.
..love sometimes isn’t enough. .
i wish it was
because you would be here
..until there is a cure.