the stars

Pre and post her death. Thats how time is for me now. So this is the first Thanksgiving…

It knocked me over. I think I wasn’t prepared at all for it. The night before I just cried and cried. Tony came home from golfing to a heartbroken wife. Its such a hard balance for our marriage. He had a good time but walked in the door to such a dark and pain filled home. He opened his arms to me though and did his very best to try and absorb my sorrow.

I was hurting so bad I honestly in that moment wished that was possible. That he could take on some of  it and give me some relief. Its impossible though.. but it did help .. to have somebody there to hold me up.. to bear witness to my destruction and be there to help me re-build.

Thanksgiving was a lot of the same.. I cried on the way to the gym and then right away again when I got in the car. I had this tft2internal pull to go see her. It was the first time I have gone there without the kids. I think it was good. A moment with her and I to come completely undone. ..

Until a lady came to see somebody while talking very loudly on the phone. I learned her plans for the rest of the day and how much money she planned on spending. It was good though because it made me laugh. .. Like a goofy shared moment with my daughter.

As she loved to say “awkward” I love hearing her silly little voice.

I miss that so much. Having a daughter old enough I can talk with and joke with. The relationship between mother and daughter is just unique. . I miss it. The friendship and the shared interests. Having somebody to help me figure out what shoes to wear. I miss our talks.. When we would get ready together we always talked or going on a walk together holding hands. I always wear Unravel shirts now.. I have no choices anymore as to what I am wearing .. But I miss it. Because I miss her.tft

We had a good Thanksgiving. Tony had wanted to stay here and I wanted to just get out of town again. He felt stronger about it then me so he got to decide.

It worked out ok though.. I missed her.. I thought of her. All of her cousins had made a sign with my Mom of their best Jennifer memories. My favorite part of the night was going down the list trying to figure out who said what with a bunch of the family. Baby Charlotte is the youngest and she is #21 for my parents! So a lot to try to figure out.tft3

 

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There was once a time when I couldn’t wait for the holidays .. Not any more. This weekend we figured we should just jump in with both feet. So once we survived Thanksgiving we thought we shoidl just decorate for Christmas.

We are either genius or crazy.. Or maybe a mixture of both.

We asked the boys if that sounded good to them and they were completely on board. But Jonathan struggled in the morning . He just had so many emotions he was overflowing. I took the his younger siblings out for a drive so he and daddy could have some one on one time together and get down all the boxes. I came home to a different little boy. I found out later they had a good father/son talk.. about how they both were feeling and how decorating for Christmas might be for mommy.

I cried. A lot. I went outside and I screamed. And I laughed some too. Jonathan was calm and seemed to be absorbing it all. Nicholas was over the moon excited.. jumping and singing and bursting with happiness it was infectious. Charlotte was excited to be  part of it all. She piled up all the red ornaments she could in one little section. .. very proudly.

Nicholas looked at my tears and a ornament of Jennifer’s in my hand and said “You sad Mommy because you miss sissy?”. Then he smiled big at me and said “You happy Mommy because of me?”.

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So simple. Such truth from the mouth of my 3 yr old.

We talked about how much I love all of my kids. That I love all 4 of them with all of my heart so having one not there makes me so sad.. but having them there makes me so happy. Its a difficult concept for adults the idea of being happy and sad at the same time. But for kids I realized it a second nature and the way they live everyday.

I put up the stockings last and by myself. .. I sobbed into her stocking and I begged for it not to be true. ..

Then I hung it up. And went back to being their mom.

Thank you Jennifer.

for all the memories you gave me to cherish.

And now giving me a reason to reach for the stars.

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…until there is a cure..

 

 

 

16 Responses to “the stars”

  1. oh my gosh, it just breaks my heart, Libby. these holidays are like a mine field, you never know where something will grab you. The list made by the cousins is very sweet and reinforces the power of your sweet Jennifer’s presence. hugs to you and your family.

  2. Oh Libby, how I wish I could just give you the biggest hug, cry with you and then take some of the pain away. If only a hug could do that, but it cant and that’s okay because all your tears, all your pain inside is just a big reminder of how much JLK is loved. How much Jennifer is missed…and there is nothing wrong with that. Always here for you….always saying her name…Jennifer!!!!

  3. Thinking of you all. Thinking of Jennifer always. Saying her name everyday. I love you all so very much. I will never leave. I will always be here. #LOVE4JLK ♡

  4. Libby, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jennifer and the pain and heart break you are feeling. This should happen to no parent. But, if anyone can make a difference, you will. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings. You are one special Mother and Lady. God Bless.

  5. I haven’t commented on a post in a while because I haven’t had anything to say. I just want to say that you continue to amaze and inspire me, and thank you for continuing to share your family with us.

  6. Keep on going, Libby. I feel the love and pain and hard work and joy in your words. Jennifer has made such an impact on so many people and for that I am grateful. Sending Hugs and thinking about all 6 of you. Jennifer. Jennifer. Jennifer.

  7. Your words often bring me to tears. Your voice is so raw and powerful. Truly this blog/your openness is changing this world. Eyes are being opened, hearts are breaking wide…..I feel the change.
    I had an idea … perhaps one you’ve had yourself … what if her stocking had presents only she would have chosen for her siblings. Presents she sent from Heaven just for them.
    I wish this wasn’t a reality for you and others in your position. I wish prayers and love took it away.
    As always prayers and love sent to your whole family daily.

  8. The holiday season is so hard. Such a reminder of all that has been lost. And hopefully also a reminder of the love and support that surrounds you. I am sending as much of that as I can your way. I wish I had something to offer other than being another person listening, praying, loving, caring and doing my part in the fight against pediatric cancer. I wish there even was something else besides all that.

  9. A young and beautiful girl I never met but find such a whole in my heart for her! Jennifer you are a blessing, an angel and such an amazing wonderful forever 6 year old! I have followed from the day I learned…two weeks after Libby started blogging. I remember this because I had to go back and read a blog before the current one. I fell in love with the smile Jennifer beamed…Libby I do not personally know you or meet with you for coffee or a glass of wine (maybe one day) but my heart breaks for you and your family is in my prayers daily! I thought of Jennifer on Thanksgiving and then cried.
    I feel like I am rambling but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and are thought of daily! Jennifer’s name is said almost everyday in our home too!

  10. You are reaching for the stars and beyond! Keep at it, Libby. You’re doing an incredible job as a Wife, Mommy and with Unravel. Thanks for inspiring me daily to try to do more and be a better person.

    Jennifer <3

    XO

  11. You are amazing! You all are amazing!

    Another idea to keep Jennifer with you during the holidays. My old roommate’s nephew passed of SIDS when he was 4 months old. Every year at Christmas they all place a picture of Michael at the top of their tree. Their own little angel watching over them. 21 years later, Michael still sits at the top of their trees.

    On a sidenote….I love how Nicholas is always shirtless. What a kid!

  12. When I read these posts I find myself always lost for words because I want to comfort you. I know that I just cant do that. The pain is too big and too deep. All I can tell you I cry often and pray that someday you will hurt just a little less. You and your family are in my prayers and I know this is a hard time for all of you and asking God for strength and comfort for all. Love your family Libby and what a wonderful husband you have to be there always for you as you I am sure are always there for him.

  13. You don’t know me, but I have a little girl the same age as Jennifer and a son who is almost 13. I think about Jennifer all the time. The way you talk about your love and life of her opens a lot of emotional doors for me as a parent.
    While I wish no one had to feel the depths of pain and grief you are experiencing, I am grateful for you being so honest about all of it and writing it in this space so I can see it. It’s making me appreciate the little things and let go of the crazy when I feel it coming.
    Thank you for that.

  14. I wish I never had cause to read this, I wish Jennifer was still here, but I am indescribably grateful to you for sharing your experiences and being so honest about your thoughts and feelings. All 6 of you are just amazing. You Libby are the parent I dream of being someday. Jennifer is so lucky to call you mummy as are Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte xx

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