eye roll

Thanksgiving one year ago we invited the first media outlet in to film our family and our story.

I barely even remember Jennifer looking like that. So big and round in her face. She hated that. Hated so much how the steroids changed the way she felt and looked. I hated it to. A constant reminder of the monster inside.. that we were powerless to stop. .. or as it turns out even slow down.

I am quoted to say “I don’t know how you go on.. people do it.. but I can’t imagine it. .. I can’t.. We watched her today with her cousins.. I think about next year, will we be able to come? I .. I don’t know. “

How can I still say that. That I don’t know how people go on.. I don’t know how I am going on… But I am. I don’t know how though. I guess there is just really no other option.  Sometimes it feels like such a betrayal to her..

And I look at us.. me and Tony. We are so changed physically now. Grief has aged us tremendously. I never left the house without make up on.. I still haven’t found a water proof mascara that can hold up to me..

I love seeing video of her. I need to figure out how to get it out of our video camera onto the computer so I can actually watch it. To see her silly faces and expressions.  Its the little things that made her Jennifer that I miss right now. The smirks and shared secrets with just a glance. To see her laughing, to see and remember her joy.

roll5

 

Her personality really showed to me in this piece. Her love of sparkle.. and family.. and dramatics. Her eyes rolls were something she had so perfectly mastered.. At first she was really serious about them.. But then we made it a big joke and would all compete for the biggest and most dramatic eye roll. She often won! And then would smile so big and so proud. We always got the best reaction from her when we kissed.. she had hit that age that she thought it was gross.. but I think she loved it too.. to know how much her parents loved each other. So we made it a game and I would try to get her attention and make her look at us and then kiss Tony. ..which was followed by a eye roll.. roll7roll3

 

 

I miss her so much. All that she brought to our family. I remember last year trying to get our boys to try a turkey leg, but they wouldn’t go near it..  Until she offered it. I remember how she wanted Charlotte to wear a matching dress.. I remember that we both still had glitter in our hair. She loved that dress so much, she wore it over and over again.

roll8

I dropped my 3 surviving kids off at my parents tonight for pumpkin pie baking and decorating .. its a tradition. I always said I would drop the kids off and leave.. but I never did. I always stayed .. This year though I didn’t. I dropped them and cried my way home. She should have been there. Running in to see her cousins. Two outfits for tomorrow packed in her bag.

pumpkin pie making..
and decorating the night before Thanksgiving
and decorating the night before Thanksgiving

Before we left Nicholas insisted we go see sissy. That we paint the rocks we found for her yesterday. So we got out a sparkly pink nail polish and they painted their rocks. Then Jonathan asked for me to paint his nails… I tried to do just one.. then just one hand. But it really mattered to him that I do them all.. so I did. And they packed their overnight bags. Jonathan packed his girl pjs. I again tried to steer him away from it. But he wanted them since he thinks Jennifer would like them. I worried leaving him.. not being there to protect him from the potential of teasing .. But I also know he has to navigate his own path..

We all ended up painting our nails for sissy

My boys. My Charlotte. They miss their sister and I miss my daughter.

How is this real? How is this happening? She will never be here again for Thanksgiving.

no no no no please.. please no.

let this not be real

please jennifer please please

please

jennifer

no

roll10

…until there is a cure..

12 Responses to “eye roll”

  1. Hugs and love to you, Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte. We all miss our Glitter angel. There are no words to ease your pain, but there are so many of us behind you sending our love and prayers. You are doing so much with Unravel Pediatric Cancer and I’m praying that someday there will be a cure because of
    Jennifer. Thinking of all 6 of you every day. Until there is a cure.

  2. Libby sweetheart, thank you for sharing your beautiful Jennifer with all of us, I was thinking about you tonight like I do always and I remember thinking how are you going to make it through this next year, well now next year is here, somehow some way you will but I can’t even imagine the pain, it actually scares me to think of your pain, and I feel so helpless, so I cry and I keep talking about Jennifer,and DIPG and pray for you and Tony and your children , I want her back too I want to see her and the store and wave and smile and my granddaughter , but it can’t happen, so I will say I’m thankful very thankful for you for bringing awareness to all of us , to make us want to help find a cure,and I’m thankful to love you and your family with all my heart, I will continue to help until there is a cure

  3. Libby, I was walking through Kohl’s the other day and notice a sparkly dress just like the one Jennifer wore for her photo shoot. I loved watching Jennifer’s Glitter video with you and her brothers. It was so lovely and precious, and just made me smile. You are the best Mom! Sending you love and prayers. God Bless.

  4. Oh Libby. My heart breaks. I would give anything to be able to give her back to you. Hoping and praying you feeĺ her shining personality and love surrounding you all today. Xx

  5. Sending you all so much love. hugs and prayers… I hate that she has had to leave, I hate that there was much suffering before hand you have so many hard memories. I hate that you are still suffering.. But this Thanksgiving I found myself very thankful – thankful you are so strong, thankful no matter how hard you have 3 more little ones forcing you to hang in there, thankful you and Tony have each other, Thankful God brought us together.. When you hurt so many of us do as well – I am thankful Hailey is here, I am thankful we are all still here for her, I am thankful – just so thankful even though I feel your pain.. I love you dear Libby sending you all the energy I have left in me today <>

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *