Thanksgiving one year ago we invited the first media outlet in to film our family and our story.

I barely even remember Jennifer looking like that. So big and round in her face. She hated that. Hated so much how the steroids changed the way she felt and looked. I hated it to. A constant reminder of the monster inside.. that we were powerless to stop. .. or as it turns out even slow down.

I am quoted to say “I don’t know how you go on.. people do it.. but I can’t imagine it. .. I can’t.. We watched her today with her cousins.. I think about next year, will we be able to come? I .. I don’t know. “

How can I still say that. That I don’t know how people go on.. I don’t know how I am going on… But I am. I don’t know how though. I guess there is just really no other option.  Sometimes it feels like such a betrayal to her..

And I look at us.. me and Tony. We are so changed physically now. Grief has aged us tremendously. I never left the house without make up on.. I still haven’t found a water proof mascara that can hold up to me..

I love seeing video of her. I need to figure out how to get it out of our video camera onto the computer so I can actually watch it. To see her silly faces and expressions.  Its the little things that made her Jennifer that I miss right now. The smirks and shared secrets with just a glance. To see her laughing, to see and remember her joy.

 

Her personality really showed to me in this piece. Her love of sparkle.. and family.. and dramatics. Her eyes rolls were something she had so perfectly mastered.. At first she was really serious about them.. But then we made it a big joke and would all compete for the biggest and most dramatic eye roll. She often won! And then would smile so big and so proud. We always got the best reaction from her when we kissed.. she had hit that age that she thought it was gross.. but I think she loved it too.. to know how much her parents loved each other. So we made it a game and I would try to get her attention and make her look at us and then kiss Tony. ..which was followed by a eye roll.. 

 

 

I miss her so much. All that she brought to our family. I remember last year trying to get our boys to try a turkey leg, but they wouldn’t go near it..  Until she offered it. I remember how she wanted Charlotte to wear a matching dress.. I remember that we both still had glitter in our hair. She loved that dress so much, she wore it over and over again.

I dropped my 3 surviving kids off at my parents tonight for pumpkin pie baking and decorating .. its a tradition. I always said I would drop the kids off and leave.. but I never did. I always stayed .. This year though I didn’t. I dropped them and cried my way home. She should have been there. Running in to see her cousins. Two outfits for tomorrow packed in her bag.

Before we left Nicholas insisted we go see sissy. That we paint the rocks we found for her yesterday. So we got out a sparkly pink nail polish and they painted their rocks. Then Jonathan asked for me to paint his nails… I tried to do just one.. then just one hand. But it really mattered to him that I do them all.. so I did. And they packed their overnight bags. Jonathan packed his girl pjs. I again tried to steer him away from it. But he wanted them since he thinks Jennifer would like them. I worried leaving him.. not being there to protect him from the potential of teasing .. But I also know he has to navigate his own path..

My boys. My Charlotte. They miss their sister and I miss my daughter.

How is this real? How is this happening? She will never be here again for Thanksgiving.

no no no no please.. please no.

let this not be real

please jennifer please please

please

jennifer

no

…until there is a cure..