Everything is different for us. Its not just that we lost our daughter we lost ourselves too. All the old rules have been re-written. And underneath that new writing there is always a ache.. the pain that we didn’t want things to change. No, honestly, we were all really happy with how things were.
But then our 6 year old got an oncologist. .. and then a headstone.
Jennifer. This was never supposed to happen.
Everything is different. My kids cry and yell or act up. .. and I question how to handle it.. If I should simply give them a consequence or is it their grief manifesting itself. They lost the mom I once was.. the mom I should have been. Unintended consequence of our battle with infertility. I really appreciated being a mom.
A wife too. I was a really good homemaker. .. and I loved it. So much.
I am not the wife to Tony that I was. The one that handled all the household chores. Because now I have taken on 2 new hats.. Founder of a non-profit and grieving mom.. Both nearly full time jobs themselves. So the other things I used to do so well.. so flawlessly seem to fall by the wayside.
How much I miss our old weekends.. where we did chores and played outside.. When we were just a family with all the normal worries and concerns. Yard work and meals for the week. .. getting the last bit of laundry folded. There was never expired mayonnaise in the fridge and we never ran out of dryer sheets.
Til now.. Now I am gone helping with fundraisers by people that want to help Unravel..sharing our story and the truths..
5 parents join me in their own personal hell today..
They don’t have to. But they do. 5 more mothers kiss their babies for the last time.. 5 more wives will hear their husbands cry in the middle of the night and never question why. Because their child is gone and..
…and because the money isn’t there to give those looking for a cure the time and freedom to actually do it. It doesn’t have to be this way.. But it is..
One cent of every donated dollar from American Cancer Society/Relay for Life and less than 4% of the governments cancer allocated funds ..
Where does the other money go? Well if you have followed this blog for awhile you might notice a change in one statistic.. That change happened due to the American Cancer Society. .. Not because they see the value in our kids lives.. in investing in the future generations… its because they invested in a study.. about the statistics. statistics?!?!
I know this now .. and I have to share all of this information.. But it does come at a cost. To me. To us. A cost I choose everyday… because I wish I had known the information and done something to save my daughter.
I let her die. I did this. We did this, those of us that didn’t do anything before.
I did this. Lack of action. Lack of outrage.
I didn’t protect her.
I avoided knowing the truth until I had no other choice. Until it was my daughter on the table and a woman in a white coat talking to me.
Can’t run from it any longer. But I can do something. I don’t know how far off we are from saving kids. I can’t wait for that day.. when I can close up shop and go back to just being a wife and mom. .. maybe even grandma.
Today though there is a need. I can save other moms. From this horrific guilt. From this knowledge I now have.. That I could have tried to save her before it was already too late. I will do it.. one person at a time if need be.. I will do it.
I read books about bedtime and crying it out or co-sleeping. Books about raising siblings that get along and “pinned” new recipes to try. I never did what mattered though. I never made any impact on the number one killer of our kids behind accidents. ..
i am so sorry Jennifer
i failed all of you by failing her.
Really truly I failed all of us. My family.. and the other ones that have been touched since the day Jennifer was diagnosed.. over 14, 000 kids diagnosed with cancer in this country since she was just a little over a year ago. And I failed the ones yet to be impacted.
I am forever trapped in this world of personal persecution. Always feeling a need to pay penance and save other moms.. not just from the pain of losing their child.. but the guilt that comes with knowing i didn’t do what I could have to protect her.
Be better than me. Don’t just be sorry.. be active!
…until there is a cure..