Category: sibling loss

poison

Guilt. It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss. It pushes down the good memories .. it drowns out the happy sounds.. it chokes me making it a struggle to catch my breath. guilt. I made mistakes. Normal everyday mom mistakes with her. I yelled when I shouldn’t have. I overreacted.. I took out other stresses on her. Especially her.. the eldest of my 4 she bore the brunt of my frustrations.. My Jennifer.  She she was the one I made mistakes on and learned from.. .. I guess she always will be. .. Because I am better with it now. And every time I do it, that I just take a extra moment before reacting I thank her. I know all moms do it. I reacted with anger when I should have had understanding. I demanded she do more and be better because she was the[…]

rulebook

I need this.. this moment to myself and with myself. . about me right now.. I want to purge. But I feel so much like a bottle thats been shook and shook.. so full its impossible to take the lid off safely. jennifer. jennifer. jennifer The candle above was how she was represented with our extended family this Easter.. My daughter.. A candle. How did this possibly happen? I can’t do this. I really don’t think I am equipped to handle this. Their needs… their baggage so heavy. .. so confusing along with my own. My needs.. my grief.. my own grostesegely scarred heart struggling day to day. How can I care for theirs? I’m not strong enough. I just want to lay down and sleep. Not have to worry about anybody else’s needs but just time to lick my own wounds. Because their hurts just deepen my own. I[…]

overlap

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a two worlds.. one in my memory and one in the current. Right now they often overlap each other.. Yesterday I was enveloped in that truth.. As I was driving Jonathan to his new talk dr. the song Brave came on. I was transported back.. to driving with Jennifer and hearing that song.. singing at the top of my lungs and then looking at her in my rear view mirror.. willing her with all my being to be brave.. and just really to be ok. I looked back at Jonathan and had much of the same feelings. .. wanting him to do much of the same as I wanted from her 1.5 years ago. And it was startling.. How much the two moments overlapped and I was somehow able to be living in both times.. Like they were laid on top of[…]

release me

I am angry. I am frustrated. I miss my daughter. My sons. My husband. Me. I want to be free of it.. released from the repressive grip this newly emerging emotion has over me. I miss the old me.. my old life. Now all my social gatherings revolve around Unravel.. and if they don’t I find myself swimming in work later. I never wanted this kind of busy. I just wanted to be a tired Mama of 4..I thought that was hard.. Until I found out how exhausting being mommy to child in heaven is. I miss my Jennifer. I look at her pictures lately and just immediately cry. She is frozen in time while all her friends and cousins are growing up. She was a good girl. Not perfect.. but a good kind hearted child and I looked forward to seeing who she would become. I am just so[…]

a bench

Kindergarten. Seriously? Already. Again. I don’t know if I can do this. I still feel locked in the time of her in kindergarten and him in preschool. . I don’t want that altered reality I seem to be able to live in destroyed. Yesterday we had to go to her school.. I probably should start saying his school.. their school. But thats not what my heart screams when I think about it. I assumed it would be a little difficult… I took a different route there.. but I still knew where I was going…. and the blood rushed.. my ears felt like wanted to simultaneously explode and collapse in. I stopped the car.. purely to attempt to catch my breath, I did. We arrived and parked. Jonathan insisting this isn’t it. This isn’t the right school.. he kept saying it over and over again. No mom .. no this the[…]

again

I woke up this morning feeling like a weight was on my chest. Heavy and full and weighted down with missing her. We were out late the night before and Charlotte really struggled to sleep so I brought her into bed with us. I loved it but I never sleep as well when I have her with me. Maybe thats adding to this.. how tired I am. I woke up so aware that she wasn’t here. That my daughter is dead. That nothing will ever be complete or full again. That realization is a harsh reality to greet you when you wake up .. wake up with a sleeping baby in your arms and a little boy kissing you good morning. Soon our bed was full.. but not really… today that emptiness was cruelly glaring for me. I just miss my daughter. My first born. The one that gave me the[…]

bittersweet

I’ve been hoping to talk to another particular cancer mom for awhile now. She is somebody who also writes and I have been told since the beginning I should reach out to.. but it took me time to be ready for that. Then we decided we were open to another baby. I knew it was time. We got the chance to speak today. Briefly and un-smoothly.. because as much as I desperately needed this conversation. To talk to somebody that understands the one word that truly describes this pregnancy.. my kids had other needs. I never figured out what they were but they were all 3 yelling and fighting .. My apologies to Maya.. but I hope we can speak again. I don’t know whats going on but Jonathan’s struggle is intense right now. Its taken leaps forward. I had a solo counseling session with our grief/marriage counselor this week[…]

our joy

There is a story that goes along with our announcement. I had planned on.. wanted to write about it. But i sit down and I find my mind is already going to another place. .. Yesterday we announced our 5th child is due August 22nd. It was a happy day for us.. a joyous day. I got messages and emails and FB postings and replies on the blog.. I read every one.. I appreciated every single letter. And when I did that I remembered. .. Jennifer. A long road to her.. 5 losses and failed adoption. .. a broken road that lead me straight to her.. One I would have ridden a thousand times to get to that destination of her. I was part of a local online forum at the time. It became like a virtual group of friends.. solid friends surprisingly. When Jennifer was finally placed in my[…]

honor her

Its kid time for us right now. Time we had planned to celebrate all the great things about their sister and about them. To show them in actionable and tangible ways how much they all mean to us. …but you know how the best laid plans always seem to turn out.. Rain. Sickness .. The first day went ok. Tony went into work for just a half day. While he was gone the kids and I wanted to watch video of Jennifer. But I struggled to find any. They got frustrated. I did too. Just a thing they wanted.. memories of her moving. singing. talking. With them. But I couldn’t provide it right away. Eventually I found some. We watched her learn to swim.. we watched her swim by herself and we watched her pretend to swim for a gold medal she had made for herself during the summer olympics.[…]

more than that

We are so broken. There really is no other word for it. We all just hurt incredibly .. each in our own way. We went to see Jennifer’s spot yesterday. The boys just wanted their alone moment there to give her the rock they painted. They got out.. one by one and spent a few minutes talking and looking at all the things there.. And then came to the car. I always go last. It makes Jonathan mad.. He wants to go last. But I have told him too bad. I am the Mom and that’s a mom right.. and I secretly hope with all of my heart that the work we are doing ensures its a parental right my son never receives. I came back to the car and got inside the drivers seat and Charlotte let loose. Screaming no and kicking her legs. I got back out to[…]