cookie jar

A cookie jar. Its just a fucking cookie jar. . but not really. Not anymore. No its so much more. Because she made it. .. we made it.

Me and Jennifer we made it together. I remember thinking I  knew then how special it would be and I remember thinking of all the other things I would make with her .. because she was supposed to have more time. Even DIPG kids are supposed to get more time.. Just a little more time..

It broke today. I looked down and the handle was broken off of it and I completely fell apart. I saw it and just covered my mouth and ran to my room. To my bed.. to her pinkie bear. Sobbing.

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My boys soon followed me into the room.. Bravely and bolding stepping into the fire of their mothers anguish. They didn’t even know why. They knew it had to do with their sister.. but they weren’t sure what. They knew my pain was intense but they weren’t afraid of it.

I am both so incredibly proud of them and so incredibly sorry for them. 

Luckily Tony was home. Was able to glue it back together… and hug me.. to try and accomplish the same impossible task for me…

Jonathan helped him and then he just came to hang out with me for awhile. And we talked. Openly Honestly. . . I asked him if he understood why I was so upset. .. And we talked about how I made it with her and how much I cherished the memory of making it with her. And that I can’t just take her to go do it again. And I wept. And he learned .. and absorbed.. and he shared with me too.

I talked about how important things like that are now for me with her. .. He brought up a few more things that are special to all of us of hers. I asked him if he knew what was even more special that all of those things.

And we both pointed to him..

This new life is a minefield of triggers and so many potential pitfalls but I think we are actually navigating through them pretty well. We aren’t avoiding them.. we are getting blown up .. and falling in the holes. . Often. Almost constantly it feels right now. But we are surviving. Together.

and i know

its because of you.

we can’t see you jennifer

but we feel you.

we need you.

we miss you

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..until there is a cure…

7 Responses to “cookie jar”

  1. Dear Libby, I have no words to comfort you. Just know that Jennifer is your Angel, and you are our Angel for Unravel Pediatric Cancer and all of the children with DIPG. Take care.

  2. i wish i could give you all a great big hug and make it all better. instead i will keep yelling from the rooftops and spreading the glitter.

  3. Oh Libby, I know I would have had the same reaction. There are certain things that are just precious and irreplaceable, like that cookie jar. I am so glad that Tony was able to repair it. I cried when I discovered my mom’s cherished reading glasses had broken. They remind me so much of her, and I nearly broke down upon discovering the lense fell out of one side. I now have it behind glass, in a “memory cabinet” that I made of my mom. Have you thought about something like that for some of your most cherished items that remind you of Jennifer? I know that as long as my treasures are where I can see them, and feel them whenever I need to, I’ll be ok…mostly, anyway. It hurts to not be able to “use” the items anymore, but I know I would just lose it if something of hers broke…nobody is allowed to open my cabinet without my permission and me being there, so I’m fairly certain they are safe. In any case, just thought I would toss the suggestion out there of what has helped me. Praying for you always, and trying to spread the glitter the best I can. Much love from Texas.

  4. Even through your heartbreak you are such an amazing mother. Thank you for the lessons you teach, Libby.

    Thank you Jennifer for guiding your family with love. You are so missed.

  5. Oh Libby. I think about your beautiful beautiful Jennifer everyday. She will be in my heart forever and always. You all will. We love Jennifer. We love you all. Until there is a cure. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

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