Category: sibling loss

it falls to them

I woke up this morning and the ache… the hole in my heart and my life was palpable. I have cried often I have cried hard today. My boys and I painted rocks with nail polish to take to her. They seem to have a want and a need to go daily right now. And then they wanted to paint their nails.. to paint my nails. Jonathan knows just what to do.. exactly the way I used to do it with his big sister. Its been well over a year since he has seen that happen. But he remembered.. I was happy and I was devastated. That’s me. One giant walking contradiction. One giant ball of dueling emotions. So often feeling depleted of any true emotion but feeling such tenderness for my surviving 3. I feel like I cannot wait to die.. to get to be with my Jennifer again[…]

burst the bubble

I can’t even count how many times I have been asked about my take on the Super Bowl commercial..you know the one.. Nationwide and the little boy. I’m not going to go into depth about it because all it is is my opinion.. but I will say the backlash from it scares me. I have no idea how to penetrate outside my little world with the information I now know about pediatric cancer… because as anybody that has been trying to spread the glitter has learned people don’t always want to hear it. Its depressing and scary and they don’t want to be brought down scrolling through  Facebook or during a football game.. or … well I’m just trying to figure out when a good time is? See I am too far gone I think. I was the one who turned the channel on any St Judes commercials and those[…]

deserve it

This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around. I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found[…]

shoe basket

Today we spent time with some older kids. Afterwards Jonathan told me he liked not having to be the oldest for a little while. .. Our kids have had to survive so many changes with the loss of their sister. I often forget what this newfound pressure of being the oldest living child must be like for him. A new responsibly none of us wanted him to have.. Like having to be the leader cleaning up even if it wasn’t his mess. Earlier in the day Charlotte had pulled every single shoe out of our shoe basket. Cleaning up Jonathan noticed one of Jennifer’s slippers, he was so excited by it. I watch her do this day after day. Its a constant clean up in our house. But I can’t get that upset with her.. because it reminds me so much of Jennifer. .. She loved shoes. .. and clothes[…]

a new year

Happy new year. . this year 2015.. .. just one more thing Jennifer will never get to experience. And I am hurting over it. So much. So much more than I expected to. We are all sick. It feels like we have been the whole fall/winter season and I can’t help but wonder if heartbreak can do that to a person. To watch your child struggling with cancer. Its a helpless feeling. To hold her as she gets sedated… and watch as they bolt a mask over her face to the table she is sleeping on. To watch her struggle with horrific headaches and unstoppable throwing up. .. Its so hard. But I was right when I said it will get so much harder.. This is still one of my telling and long lasting things I have written .. how right I was .. for then and for now. This.[…]

angels

  All these things I am being forced to walk through. Nothing feels real right now.  Its like my body.. my heart.. my soul cannot accept that she is gone.. that I have to do this. These holidays.   Something in me snapped on Friday. Broke apart. And I cried off and on all day. I hate it. That cancer stole my daughter.. but also my 3 youngest babies childhoods. This shouldn’t be their memories for this time of year. But I can’t always stop it. I try .. I do try. Because I know it impacts them. I know how they are my little men and want to protect me. .. do anything to keep their mommy from hurting. Friday morning it was a cluster of hits that took me down. . Jonathan worried it was the song on the radio he had said he liked.. so he told[…]

donations.. come in all sorts of ways

Friday was another 12th. Marking 10 months since I held my daughter last. I have promised myself that I will spend every 12th doing something for them because of her. This month for the first time the “them” wasn’t my 3 surviving kids.. I did it with my kids.. but did it for the kids still in the fight for their life. This month I was privileged enough to give Dr. Monje the $70,000 check from our first years fluttering campaign.   We had prepped the boys for it.. let them know we were going to a lab where the scientists are working to try and find a cure. Told them we were bringing a donation from the families that raised money by fluttering.     We were mostly worried about how it might be for Jonathan. Earlier that morning I had talked about my 2 sickie boys to them. About how they[…]

she moved

Words have power they have meaning. They can bring me to the depths of my pain. Thats good. But they can also help me .. and my kids.. find new ways to bring us above it. I spoke with another bereaved Dad. One who focuses on bringing the joy to kids with cancer. He shared something .. shared words with me that settled in. I will never change up completely the things I write to get out the gunk – the pain.. the genuine horror I live with daily. Because if I don’t it will take root in me. Take over me no matter how I try to keep it at bay. That is who I am. But I also can find ways to concentrate on the other portion when I speak in a loving way about my daughter .. in particular to my surviving children and the kids that[…]

the stars

Pre and post her death. Thats how time is for me now. So this is the first Thanksgiving… It knocked me over. I think I wasn’t prepared at all for it. The night before I just cried and cried. Tony came home from golfing to a heartbroken wife. Its such a hard balance for our marriage. He had a good time but walked in the door to such a dark and pain filled home. He opened his arms to me though and did his very best to try and absorb my sorrow. I was hurting so bad I honestly in that moment wished that was possible. That he could take on some of  it and give me some relief. Its impossible though.. but it did help .. to have somebody there to hold me up.. to bear witness to my destruction and be there to help me re-build. Thanksgiving was[…]

eye roll

Thanksgiving one year ago we invited the first media outlet in to film our family and our story. I barely even remember Jennifer looking like that. So big and round in her face. She hated that. Hated so much how the steroids changed the way she felt and looked. I hated it to. A constant reminder of the monster inside.. that we were powerless to stop. .. or as it turns out even slow down. I am quoted to say “I don’t know how you go on.. people do it.. but I can’t imagine it. .. I can’t.. We watched her today with her cousins.. I think about next year, will we be able to come? I .. I don’t know. “ How can I still say that. That I don’t know how people go on.. I don’t know how I am going on… But I am. I don’t know[…]