Category: sibling loss

quicksand

  “At rest, quicksand thickens with time, but it remains very sensitive to small variations in stress. At higher stresses, quicksand liquefies very quickly, and the higher the stress the more fluid it becomes. This causes a trapped body to sink..” national geographic Quicksand .. an analogy I googled mid post and realized was so perfect I cried at the understanding it seemed to convey to me. When you are in quicksand you have move slowly. Deliberately. Constantly. It’s something you have to get out of on your own. But what about when its your kids that are stuck in it? We are pausing continuing to work on her room. We are concentrating on touching them. We are taking just a moment to listen before reacting. Because that’s what they need from us. Last night Jonathan just started crying with Tony. That he missed him this weekend.. that he “loves him[…]

balancing emotions

I started cleaning out her room. I think just getting out my fears and my emotions in the last blog readied me to do it. I had thought of it all.. balanced mine and Tonys dueling emotions. I haven’t cried like this is a long time. Day after day of intense crying. I think now I am just emptied.. drained. I can’t believe how hard it can be 16 months out. I know logically its nothing in a lifetime without her.. I know how unnatural it is to lose a child so I shouldn’t expect the grief to be anything remotely like what I have know before.. But still it surprises me how voracious.. how violent the grief can be. Broken blood vessels .. my shirt soaked down the front. And this time something new. My body so opposed to what it was taking in I threw up.. again and[…]

cancer survivor day

Cancer survival day. 2 years ago I didn’t even know something like this existed.. and if I did it was simply a blip in my day. Not a grinding and scratching reminder of what Jennifer is not. I thought it would just be one day staring me in the face. I was wrong. There is build up.. Its truly a wonderful thing to celebrate. .. I am just so horribly jealous that I can’t be part of it. I’m long over lamenting being part of the cancer community as a whole, I have met some of the greatest people in my life through it..  But I hate that I am, that we are,  the losers. A tumor in just a slightly different place in her brain.. it could have been the difference between life and death. . It certainly would have been at least a chance. With my 6 yr[…]

San Jose MNO

The low after the high.. I have realized this happens to me after all our Unravel event. I think just identifying it helps me deal with it a little bit. I get to talk about her.. to know she will be known by all in the room by the nights end. And I couldn’t do any of that without her finding a way to me. I need her. As I speak out loud I silently speak to her. One moment in particular.. I looked over at 3 very dear friends of mine standing.. crying.. supporting each other as I spoke.. I looked at them and continued on out loud with my speech while talking to her privately. look sissy, they are friends now. we did that! This was our first MNO in San Jose.. the first one of these events in my neck of the woods. So I felt a stronger[…]

i was wrong.

I try to find life lessons in everyday things for my kids. I try to help them connect what they see to who they can be. Now. Today. I did that twice this past weekend. I was able to connect others peoples fight and good deeds to them.. to us and to Unravel. .. I have to laugh though.. I tell myself I do it for them.. but honestly I know as I write I do it for me too.. To know the sacrifices we make by running Unravel are meaningful.. that there is a purpose to what we are doing. We watched .. a bit obsessively the owner at my gym compete in something called the CrossFit games. I took a lot of playful ribbing for it. But the kids noticed. They got to observe some pretty amazing stuff. They don’t know numbers of weight and what heavy can[…]

is this normal

Baby Charlotte is 2. I have never had a 2 year old without a newborn on my hip.. She was supposed to stay the baby of our family.. she won’t. And we are so very grateful for this new baby we are waiting to arrive.. but wish I could have all of them here.. Its a bittersweet thing. Getting down the decorations I actually really liked seeing all the things we had hung up over the years for Jennifer. I touched them .. so many starting to break apart now and I remembered how much she enjoyed getting to wake up on the morning of her birthday to a decorated house.. how she had her own princess and Dora and pink sparkly decorations.. I liked it. I smiled remembering her and those birthday moments. We have some decorations that are hung up for all the kids. I remembered her being[…]

cookie jar

A cookie jar. Its just a fucking cookie jar. . but not really. Not anymore. No its so much more. Because she made it. .. we made it. Me and Jennifer we made it together. I remember thinking I  knew then how special it would be and I remember thinking of all the other things I would make with her .. because she was supposed to have more time. Even DIPG kids are supposed to get more time.. Just a little more time.. It broke today. I looked down and the handle was broken off of it and I completely fell apart. I saw it and just covered my mouth and ran to my room. To my bed.. to her pinkie bear. Sobbing. My boys soon followed me into the room.. Bravely and bolding stepping into the fire of their mothers anguish. They didn’t even know why. They knew it[…]

normal

I feel like I should write.. like I want to write but the words won’t come to me.. neither will sleep it seems this week either. I still feel like I have so much to write I don’t want to forget.. about Seattle and our bereavement camp. But those memories seem so distant to me somehow. Not lost.. not yet at least.. but fuzzy and distant. Muted by my grief. I feel like I am deep in this right now. Struggling with my broken heart and my goals for the future. I find myself scared of so much .. my grief, my numb and from there it grows on and out. I find myself not wanting to leave the house again and letting the phone go to voicemail versus answering. What I don’t know.. what I don’t understand, is why its happening. I just hurt so much right now. I[…]

Guest Blog – Kristen Oakley-Hubbard

**** this is a friend of Mine and Tony’s, she lost her sister Rachel to cancer. Friday is Rachel’s birthday. I am honored to get to share just a piece of their story. **** Unpresent Company I spend a lot of special occasions, holidays and large moments in my life visiting her. I have taken each of my children to meet her within the first week they were on this earth. I rushed to tell her when I was getting married, having children, buying a business, buying a home or when I myself was faced with the word “cancer” because I know she is there to always listen to me. I’m her big sister so it seems only natural or instinctual to me to tell her all the big stuff in my life as it happens. She is my only sister and I have known her every day since I[…]

weather or not..

The weather this morning was perfection for me..  It eases me. Overcast, cold, cloudy, chilly, gray. But I feel like if I stand outside.. especially if I run then I can somehow find her again. I find myself yearning for this weather.. longing for it .. Because when its here I feel like I can take a really deep breath .. What a gift that is for me now. I leave for Seattle on Wednesday to help lend my voice to one of Dr. Olsens fundraisers. I am so looking forward to the weather! This weekend was quite different though.. and even though we did a bereavement program I found it hard to find her in the heat.. So ironic though.. she loves the heat and the sun. The program was pretty awesome for the boys. They each got to ride full size horses.. They looked so tiny, but they[…]