All day I have longed for this moment. . A need to write.. For whats boiling inside to pour out through my fingers.. Its hard to get a quiet moment alone in this house.. (so incredibly grateful for this simple truth) ..

Tomorrow marks 12 years since I have last touched the one who made me a Mama.. 12 years since I could smell her hair.. hold her hand.. feel her heartbeat.. And hardest of all .. 12 years since I have known what its like where she is..

I mean I do know a few things.. I share that HERE .. But also its hard to not know the minor details of where my 6 year old is..

Her first day of school she was nervous.. I was a wreck.. but I got to walk her on campus.. Look inside her classroom.. See the playground.

Even then that monster was growing inside of her..

Usually I am gone tonight.. Tony and I locked away at a beach .. Just the two of us finding our way through these days and the memories that haunt us. . We walk.. a lot. .. Like a lot a lot.. I have a need to move and be near the ocean. He gifts me that.. We read the text messages that come.. And we talk sometimes.. and we are quiet sometimes.. But mostly we find our way back to the only other person that misses our daughter Jennifer Lynn Kranz.. just me and him. Forever.

For the past 11 years we have been somehow so lucky to have a home thats never quiet.. yet is able to pause long enough to give us that time. This year is a first.. I leave tomorrow with Bridgey for an out of state gymnastics meet. . And when I return he leaves to meet Nicholas at his basketball tournament . .. I can’t speak for him.. But for me its been all about shoving it down. Packing it away. Keeping busy with other things .. because I simply cannot let this grief tsunami overtake me.. I won’t be able to swim to shore as quickly as I am needed by the volume makers in our home. ..

Ive taken moments though.. mostly driving alone in the car.. Or here behind my screen. Just enough to relieve the stress underground so it doesn’t cause that earthquake.. (aren’t they usually the root cause of the tsunami?)

Next week though we will take our time.. We will walk til he crumbles.. I will likely rehash the same stories .. the ones that make me smile some but mostly the ones that haunt me.. The ones I cant really share with anyone else.. I will ask him the same questions.. Wanting to hear his perspective… again..

So much to remember over the end of her life.. And we will find her in the sound of the waves..

i miss you

I cant wait. Isnt that crazy. Scheduling my grief.. But they are so worth it. I just wish she was here. . I wish I could know her still .. more than in waves.. or a blog.. I wish she was here..

i miss you

Sometimes I can’t believe I have survived this long without her .. 12 years. It almost feels like a betrayal to her.. “I could never survive losing my child. .. ” ” I dont know how you do it”

The truth

I dont. I haven’t. I am different. The old me took my last breath alongside her.. And the next moment I breathed in as a new woman. A new wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend .. One that has love, beauty and even joy.

And it still feels like a betrayal even if I know better.

i miss you

I have so much in me.. I am too scared to let go right now .. Why? That seems so unfair. These are her days. two stupid days… That I dont even want to have matter..

My friend.. she is soon to say her goodbye to her girl. .. the one that also made her a Mama.. And shes in it. In the ocean no land in site. .. And this is what I realized.. As I bear witness there is an obscene jealousy.. Not just for the obvious .. Not just because her daughter is here in the most brutal and sacred of times a parent can have.. But because she is swimming in it, right in the depths of it.. And in a way I really miss that.. That open brokenness. I told you .. obscene.. But this is my place to say the unspeakable…

You know how when you are working out consistently you don’t get that sore? Maybe once in awhile there will be one that gets ya.. but not daily. Because you are used to it.

Conditioned.

But when you stop. When you havent picked up that barbell in awhile.. the soreness is almost crippling.. Its all you can think about.. The ache afterward is so strong you feel it everywhere in your body..And you need to get up a little gingerly off that couch.. And you are embarrassed to let anyone know.. So you try so hard to walk it off..

You might wonder if it was even worth starting over again if its this hard.. (but you know it is.. it always is)

Thats exactly what this is like.

I miss her everyday. More than anybody would ever imagine because its my own .. Its a weight I wear daily so Ive adjusted to it and I do pretty good at making it look normal.. just a slight limp. However, I know I need to pick up the real weight of my grief.. but its not time yet. So I wait.. Grateful that I stole these few minutes to feel just a little.. to buy me more time.. for them. I am so lucky to have them.

i promise sissy miss

i havent forgotten you

they just need me more

…

right now

…until there is a cure..