I am so grateful for pictures. I feel like without them I am losing her. Like she becomes a figment of my imagination. A almost mythical creature that I make up who she is. But then I get lost in pictures and I remember. ..
Her. Jennifer. My daughter. I have worried since the day she died I wouldn’t ever remember her healthy. I still struggle with that .. a lot. But now I worry I will forget her. The real her. That she will become just a memory to me.. A twisted incorrect version of who she really was.
That’s horrible. Its something I never want to admit to myself let alone out loud. But its the truth. It is a fear of mine that makes me feel like a terrible mom to her..
Which is strange because in so many ways her memory right now consumes me.. Even more than my living children. Because I feel so raw. The numb gone.. the acceptance of it all a far way off..
Every heart beat right now she is there. Behind every smile, every joke there is a void, a absence of depth. Because her death stole that. Because even though to outsiders I am moving further along in this journey.. I know .. Other bereaved parents know .. that at just 16 months out I am still so new to all of this. .. In the span of the rest of my life, likely another 30+ years I am in this griefs infancy.
My Jennifer. Full of spunk and verve. Attitude and dramatics. Love and loyalty for her friends and cousins but a special level reserved for us. Her mommy and daddy brothers and sister. I hope this baby growing inside of me knows that from her too. That was such a gift to experience.. that kind of love and adoration.
She loved pink. And princesses. She loved dirt and being naked. Jennifer was a natural in the water, from bath time to swimming and jumping in puddle anything with water made her happy.
She loved everything about babies and pregnancy. We loved to touch and snuggle my belly when I was pregnant. Whenever I found a non graphic video of birth or one of those TLC shows we would watch it together and talk about it. How incredible woman’s bodies are.. It never scared her. It excited her. I made her promise to let me be in the room when she had her babies.
For the first 2 years of her life she hated eating. But once we figured out the celiacs diagnosis she genuinely liked it. She was willing to try new things. But she liked all the classics the best. Tacos, pizza and cereal…. and desserts. My girlie had one heck of a sweet tooth.
Jennifer was trusting and innocent. Believing so strongly in Santa and her ability to turn the outside playground into a ship.. or a castle with just her mind. She was tough and stubborn. Pulling out a barely loose tooth.. mostly just to prove me wrong. Once I told her if she wanted to walk she had to hold my hand.. or I would carry her. But she found the third option…. she crawled. The looks I got letting my almost 2 year old crawl alongside of me on the dirty ground.. sporting a big huge grin.
She slammed doors and rolled her eyes. She forgave me quickly for often over reacrting to her outbursts.
At dinnertime Jennifer would lead prayers and tell all kinds of secrets. She liked to talk about her day.. but somehow left out all the details.
In the end. She saw dr after dr. All asking her the same questions.. Do you go by Jen or Jenny or Jennifer? Scared and confused. But still trusting. Loving. Innocent. She never fought them or held anything against them. She would beg them to stop when things hurt. But she listened .. and struggled against her own instinct to knock hands away when what they, when what we, were doing hurt her.
Because she was a good little girl who really wanted to just get better.
my little girl.
jennifer lynn kranz
…until there is a cure..
12 Comments on jennifer lynn kranz
Thank you to continuing to share your Jennifer with us. I think of your entire family daily! XOXOXO
Please know every post you make she comes alive for us all. And we (I know I do) carry her with us every day. She lives because of you. Not the same not in any way that’s fair but still alive. I am so proud to share my name with her.
Sending all my love to you.
We’re still praying for you guys. My five year old son prayed for your family tonight, that God would give you comfort. He only remembers meeting Jennifer once. But he’s seen her pictures and we won’t forget her.
I remember when I lost my dad as a girl. I was afraid to forget him. The feel of his hugs, the scratchiness of his cheek, the way his pinky toe turned to the side. I can’t remember any of his jokes but he had the funniest laugh! I used to smell his robe because it smelled like him and his aftershave. One day it only smelled like dust and I felt like I was loosing him again. But 28 years later, I’ve never forgotten the way he made me feel. I always felt protected in his arms and loved when he looked at me.
You’ll never forget the way she made you feel as a mom. Our memories are tricky. I look at my living children and feel sadness that I can’t quite remember how they felt in my arms as babies. But remember my daughters soft little head against my cheek and how my son smelled like fresh baked bread after his naps. These memories become treasures.
My Kids talk about Jennifer and her brother and sister all the time. When they play House, it is using their names. They color pictures of her, for her. #love4jlk always
Thank you for sharing those sweet memories of her, she is unforgettable to those who carry her and her story in their hearts <3
Thank you for continuing to share your sweet angel. She is so very loved and it shows in each picture. Prayers for angel visits. LOVE4JLK
Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories of your amazing Jennifer. The photos and memories are priceless. Her pose made me giggle, made me think that she probably enjoys being silly right next to you every day, you just can’t see her. She’s there though, I can’t explain. I can just feel. I hope I’m not upsetting you by saying that. It’s the last thing I would ever want. Sending love.
Thank you for sharing your precious Jennifer. Just thank you. And i pray for clarity and retention. And I will say one thing I say to myself when I feel like my own memories aren’t as clear as i need them to be (due to some medical issues and experiences that i had when i was a child, i lost a lot of years worth of memories and now even in adulthood have to work to hold on to ones that I want to hold close). Those days and those memories aren’t gone. I believe that God has each and every one of them, has held on to them in perfect clarity and I pray that He will restore them. To me and to you xx
Just so much love ♡ . We love you Jennifer ♡
Thank you for sharing Jennifer in this way with ua. I love learning more about her and her life. I know you miss her. I never met her and I miss her. I know she would have done great things with her life; and I know she is doing great things anyway. <3
Such powerful images and such powerful love. There’s still so much more to learn about Jennifer, thanks to your sharing of such indelible memories. Such a neat kid, always and forever.