the right place

I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing..

My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to.

So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe with the anonymity of the screen between us. I wasn’t open with most of the people in my real life about the struggles we went through.. how it felt to be trying so hard to get pregnant.. then have it happen only to have it taken away from us. The guilt in knowing the babies were always normal and healthy.. but that my body for some unknown reason rejected them.. And how trying it was on our marriage. But I wrote.. I shared in this online forum and got support, so much encouragement and that feeling of safety knowing that I didn’t have any real relationships (yet) with any of these woman. And the release and deeper understanding for myself and what we were going through that my writing gives me.

It was the start of learning how to express my emotions through writing I think.. And it is these woman and this ability to share us through a keyboard that grew Love4JLK and now Unravel. They read every word I wrote. They shared it and me with anybody that would listen.. and those that wouldn’t.. I think they made them.

at a fundraiser they threw for us.. I love how she is standing on her Daddys feet.
at a fundraiser they threw for us.. I love how she is standing on her Daddys feet.

I think they just struggled so much .. not even with the “bad thing happening to good people” but more happening to “these people” .. our family that had struggled so desperately to not just become parents.. but HER parents. So they again got a glimpse into a world .. my world .. that was blessedly foreign to them. .. through this blog.. Distant from them but yet somehow so personal for them. Many drove hours to be at Jennifer’s services. Sitting together passing around a thread of yarn.. connecting each other and the beginning of our Unraveling cancer..

I always knew that the struggle to get to her was worth it.. and that it was part of the training ground to help me be the best mama I could be to her.. But.. I think now I also see.. perhaps part of it was training me to be the best mommy to her as she fought for life.. was losing that life and this now.. this unnamable time. To be able to do what I am doing. .. the way I survived the struggle of getting to her is what is helping me surviving the immense pain of losing her.

I miss her sharp weight in my arms.. I am so grateful that I got to hold her ..
I miss her sharp weight in my arms.. I am so grateful that I got to hold her ..

 

..I have thanked God before for the broken road that lead me to her.. I just see a little clearer now how deliberate I think that path was..

 

Forever his baby girl.
Forever his baby girl.

I have been marinating all day on this.. and now I realize it goes even further back. To put it very mildly I was a rough teen. .. I was self destructing in a pretty dramatic way… I won’t go into nitty gritty details.. but it is no exaggeration to say my parents were scared daily that I wouldn’t make it to the next sunrise. I was lucky enough to get into a 2.5 yr emotional growth program in Idaho. It was intense. But it changed me. Taught me how to dig into the hard places, to dig.. and to keep digging until I found a way out..

That time.. those lessons I learned .. they prepared me to lead Tony and I through the years of heartache in our attempts to earn the title Mommy and Daddy. .. and then now to lose the sound of those words from the first person who ever uttered them.

Her shirt says "Wishes really do come true" My Jennifer taught me that.
Her shirt says “Wishes really do come true” My Jennifer taught me that.

I think this is my path. I think this is where I am supposed to be.. what I have been unknowingly and most certainly unwillingly training for my whole life.

In the same breath.. I will be grateful for the preparation and eternally unforgiving for the need for it.

I do believe I am doing what I was made to do.. but that doesn’t really matter since I will never be ok with having to do it. The price was far too high. She is worth more to me.. to us… than any of this.

So I return to one of my earliest and likely polarizing journals. .. I am forever angry at you. Your reason will never ever be good enough for me..And I think there will always be a part of me that hates you for the path you laid out for my family.. for me. .. for her.

 but I will believe in you still.. I will trust you still.. I will love you still.

take care of her for me..

please.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA..until there is a cure…

20 Responses to “the right place”

  1. I read each of your posts but am not sure I’ve ever commented before. You and your family are always in my prayers. You have such a way with words- so beautiful and so raw. They always touch me and my heart breaks for you. I waited five years for my first miracle, my baby girl. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have strong faith and, yet, it just seems so unfair that she was taken from you. Thank you for sharing yourself and your story. You and your Jennifer are not forgotten.

  2. I heard the following one time and it resonated with me:

    “God isn’t in the event. He is the response to the event; in the love that is shown and the care that is given.”

    I believe that God is working within you and your family during this time.

  3. Libby your blogs just speak volumes. My heart breaks for you but I am so happy that you know this is what you are suppose to be doing….even though it’s unfair that you had to learn it this way. JLK is on my mind everyday. She will never been forgotten!

  4. Another extremely powerful blog. We don’t always get to do what we want to do, we don’t always get to have that bit of insight into the grand plan ofor God, but I have to agree that you are doing what you were meant to do. I said before I think God has given you your other three (soon to be four) biological children to help ground you for when Jennifer would die. I know that doesn’t make it any easier or right. And hell yes be angry! I am often angry for you, and for other families who have lost their babies to the monster of cancer.

    Your strength and faith inspires..
    keep writing, keep doing what you do….moving mountains in Jennifer’s name.

  5. ‘the way I survived the struggle of getting to her is what is helping me surviving the immense pain of losing her…’ That connection I think is so powerful.. All of us who have survived infertility, miscarriage, rode the adoption roller coaster… we all had to dig deep to survive. I am forever sorry that you have to dig deep again now, but I do believe there is a miracle in there because you have the proof of your experience that you can persevere. This is different, so much worse, but you are right; your experiences will help you survive. Love to you and your family!

  6. Libby, we love you and your family. Always. Your words have helped so many of us and we will continue to always help and support you.

  7. I have been silently following your blog and I am continually brought to tears. I wanted to say thank you, thank you Libby for helping me turn No’s into Yes’s for my boys. Thank you for reminding me everyday how precious life is and to embrace every moment of everday i have with my children and most of all thank you for spreading the glitter. I will not just be sorry, i will be active..Although i never met Jennifer I will never forget her or your family. Until there is a cure..For them because of her ❤

  8. Libby, very strong and powerful blog. I keep all of you in my heart. Especially Jennifer. I am here. Still reading. Still passing on the knowledge to whoever will listen. I love you all. I love you Jennifer! ♡

  9. Libby,

    In reading your posts, I have, always, believed that the Holy Spirit is speaking to us through your written words. They are powerful, heartfelt, poetic, loving, heartbreaking, and so insightful. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Jennifer Lynn will always be our Little Glitter Angel.

    God Bless.

  10. Such a powerful post…Jennifer is truly an angel guiding you through this heartbreaking journey. You are stronger than ever Libby. LOVE4JLK always

  11. Heartbreaking, once again and forever…it’s amazing how God gets us ready for the things we never wanted to have to do. Love to you.

  12. Dear Libby,
    I’ve continued to read, but stopped leaving comments. I have a strong faith in God and His plan for each of us. Regardless of your feelings, God loves you and I believe now more than before, that He is speaking to each of us through you. Our struggles however big or small are never too much for us to grow from. Crazy to accept that there is something to be learned from our trials. Nearly impossible to forgive the loss of our children. You are stronger
    now than ever and I admire and thank you for making us better women…mothers…grandmothers…until there is a cure

  13. I can not get over how brave you are. How strong you are. The ability to see the strength you possess and the power that you have in all that you have faced is just unreal. I remember that teenager, and I often think about how you already had a tougher go of things than a lot of people. Many would use hardships like that as an excuse but you see them as part of what has built up the incredible person that you are and that is brave and wise and inspirational. I feel honored to know you and to stand and fight with you. I just wish the price hadn’t been so high.

  14. You continue to inspire so many of us. Not the inspiration any of us would want to give, but you do it so selflessly, so passionately. I will never forget the feeling of being intertwined in that yarn at Jennifer’s service. Such a simple yet incredibly powerful symbol. We are in this with you. Until there’s a cure.

  15. Oh I’m laying here with tears falling down my face. I have followed many children but there are some that leave a bigger impact on me. Jennifer was one of them. I think it was because you are a gifted writer and your words gave insight into Jennifer’s and your family’s experience. Some people can’t find the words to say/ write what they are experiencing but you always do!! We have a second grader in the class I help out in and she is allergic to gluten. Valentine’s Day I wanted to make heart cakes for each child. I didn’t want the girl to feel any different than the rest of the kids so I made everything gluten free. It may have taken longer and it was more expensive but worth the extra effort. The whole time I was making them I thought of Jennifer. As for the God thing I think it is hard not to doubt. I have seen/ known many kids that passed too young. It doesn’t make sense that many people prayed and it didn’t help. I know in my heart that God’s plan may not be what I wish but it is still hard some days when I see kids dying since there isn’t a cure. Sending love!!

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