I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing..
My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to.
So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe with the anonymity of the screen between us. I wasn’t open with most of the people in my real life about the struggles we went through.. how it felt to be trying so hard to get pregnant.. then have it happen only to have it taken away from us. The guilt in knowing the babies were always normal and healthy.. but that my body for some unknown reason rejected them.. And how trying it was on our marriage. But I wrote.. I shared in this online forum and got support, so much encouragement and that feeling of safety knowing that I didn’t have any real relationships (yet) with any of these woman. And the release and deeper understanding for myself and what we were going through that my writing gives me.
It was the start of learning how to express my emotions through writing I think.. And it is these woman and this ability to share us through a keyboard that grew Love4JLK and now Unravel. They read every word I wrote. They shared it and me with anybody that would listen.. and those that wouldn’t.. I think they made them.
I think they just struggled so much .. not even with the “bad thing happening to good people” but more happening to “these people” .. our family that had struggled so desperately to not just become parents.. but HER parents. So they again got a glimpse into a world .. my world .. that was blessedly foreign to them. .. through this blog.. Distant from them but yet somehow so personal for them. Many drove hours to be at Jennifer’s services. Sitting together passing around a thread of yarn.. connecting each other and the beginning of our Unraveling cancer..
I always knew that the struggle to get to her was worth it.. and that it was part of the training ground to help me be the best mama I could be to her.. But.. I think now I also see.. perhaps part of it was training me to be the best mommy to her as she fought for life.. was losing that life and this now.. this unnamable time. To be able to do what I am doing. .. the way I survived the struggle of getting to her is what is helping me surviving the immense pain of losing her.
..I have thanked God before for the broken road that lead me to her.. I just see a little clearer now how deliberate I think that path was..
I have been marinating all day on this.. and now I realize it goes even further back. To put it very mildly I was a rough teen. .. I was self destructing in a pretty dramatic way… I won’t go into nitty gritty details.. but it is no exaggeration to say my parents were scared daily that I wouldn’t make it to the next sunrise. I was lucky enough to get into a 2.5 yr emotional growth program in Idaho. It was intense. But it changed me. Taught me how to dig into the hard places, to dig.. and to keep digging until I found a way out..
That time.. those lessons I learned .. they prepared me to lead Tony and I through the years of heartache in our attempts to earn the title Mommy and Daddy. .. and then now to lose the sound of those words from the first person who ever uttered them.
I think this is my path. I think this is where I am supposed to be.. what I have been unknowingly and most certainly unwillingly training for my whole life.
In the same breath.. I will be grateful for the preparation and eternally unforgiving for the need for it.
I do believe I am doing what I was made to do.. but that doesn’t really matter since I will never be ok with having to do it. The price was far too high. She is worth more to me.. to us… than any of this.
So I return to one of my earliest and likely polarizing journals. .. I am forever angry at you. Your reason will never ever be good enough for me..And I think there will always be a part of me that hates you for the path you laid out for my family.. for me. .. for her.
but I will believe in you still.. I will trust you still.. I will love you still.
take care of her for me..