never will be again..

Its the little things.. the small forgettable moments that can eat away at me. Today.. Tony and the boys wrestling on the ground while I cooked… They called me to join… boys versus girls.

It would have been perfect. 3v3. Jennifer loved wrestling…often changing in the middle to get on the right crown or princess gown for the fight.

But she wasn’t there..

she never will be again.

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.. or sometimes she would stop to find the perfect headband to match the jammies she was wearing..

What a cruel moment of clarity that was. One I haven’t been able to recover from. It just continued to slowly and deliberately attack me for the rest of the day.

It still surprises me how it can sneak up and attack me.. After it happens I feel ambushed and defeated. Scared at how much it still breaks me apart with just the slightest change of the wind. I just want to see her again to enjoy watching her playing with her Daddy and her siblings. I want the freedom of joy that once was.. That I once felt and never knew to appreciate ..

All 3 of our living were laying on the bed with their Daddy.. I was on the ground.. The windows were open and sun was streaming in. And I felt such a longing to appreciate it.. to embrace the overwhelmingly obvious joy in such a simple and easy moment.

But she wasn’t there..

she never will be again.

And I think I never will be either. Not the whole me.. Not all of me.

because you weren’t there..

and you never will be


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..until there is a cure..


9 Responses to “never will be again..”

  1. All my love you today and every single day. Thinking of Jennifer constantly. She will be in my heart forever and always. LOVE4JLK ♡

  2. I love that she changed outfits in the middle of wrestling this made me lol. sending love to each one of you xx

  3. I know you dont want us to be just sorry, but today I am. Today I am sorry. I know this ‘sad angry’ doesnt change anything; its the ‘mad angry’ that gets me going. Gets me to be active. I cant muster it today. I just want to hug you and cry and let you cry. Hugs to you, Libby.

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