A year ago today. It was a day that lives so strongly in the hearts of those I love. Of being a positive day with Jennifer. There are two more coming up for other people.. days that will forever be the last “right” day for them.
She went to preschool with one of her best friends. She had gotten them matching shirts while we were in DisneyWorld and they wanted to wear them. I remember having to talk with the other mom over and over again so the girls could be perfectly matched.
They did a great job with it and Jennifer was so happy. It was hard for me to let her go just for those few hours. But I thought she needed that time away.. to be independent again.. to be normal. I wish she had. I wish so much I had to struggle through so many more days of missing her for those few hours she was in preschool.. instead of being condemned just 3 weeks later to a lifetime of missing her.. all day and all night.
Then we had her appointment with her oncologist. I remember how she thought I should be sending her to kindergarten again.. and how she wanted me to be sure I was taking care of me too.. How wrong I thought she was on both accounts…Jennifer looked so good though.. She always wanted the best for all of us.
And how right I was on so many. I read this entry now and I see all the foreshadowing of what was to come.
But I really had so many other reasons not to know what was coming. Because she was doing well.. she had some improvements.. because the original tumor had shrunk.. the one I whispered to her each time she went to sleep… shrink tumor shrink..It did. But sneaky little bastard that cancer is it had already moved on.. Taking up residence everywhere else.
I wonder if he regrets that now? I do.
If I could go back I would have just brought her home. To give her a little more good time with her siblings and her Daddy. I lost her February 12th.. but in a lot of ways they lost her Oct 28th when we learned of her prognosis.. and when treatment that took us away from them started.
…we thought we had more time.. we thought we were doing the right thing..
She did have a great time though. I remember her laughing so hard as my sister ran her wheelchair through the parking lot.. I remember how loud she laughed. I can see it… I can picture it.. But I can’t hear it.
I just wish i could remember what that felt like. I can’t even begin to remember that level of happiness. Even though we were scared.. even though we knew we would one day lose her.. the joy I was capable of feeling then is so much deeper than now.
…I hate that. I have some phenomenal reasons to feel immense joy. My sorrow though. Its big. Its powerful and I feel weak beneath it.
I have said the nights are hers.. but the day I am theirs.. but now its all muddied. I cry often again. Sometimes I can steal away a moment of solitude and sometimes not. Sometimes they have to bear witness to my pain escaping. I just miss her. I just feel so damned vulnerable and like the slightest shift will make me crumble.
There is no fixing this. And right now I am terrified there never ever will be.
Is a lifetime long enough to even begin to heal a heart this broken?
Right now a lifetime feels so impossibly long..
but also so cruelly short.