deserve it

This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around.

I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found myself struggling with feeling ok with taking time away from them.. Time away from being the only thing I ever really wanted to be.. a wife and a mom. I am so lucky I get to stay home with my kids. I know not all people that want to do that are able to. I have always appreciated it.

But today I started to question whether or not I still am?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do it .. to be all in with them. But also take care of me. To give them everything I can.. but still do my part to protect them from cancer. To be the wife my husband deserves while completing everything else I need to do in 24 hours.deserve5

I am struggling. With being pulled in so many directions. But the thing is there is nobody pulling me. Its all internal. I want to be the mom and wife these 4 deserve. I want to do something to preserve Jennifers memory and legacy. To make it matter somehow. So that all the suffering she experienced and we continue to isn’t a waste.. but rather manipulated to be something meaningful… powerful.

She deserves that.

They deserve that too. The knowledge that they helped make a difference because of her. I hope one day my youngest children pick up the torch.. to do something for them because of her. To all the time do good things for other in their sisters memory.I hope they are always able to turn our pain into something positive ..deserve2

I hope they are able to keep their big sister alive by living the life she was just starting to. One of compassion and giving and so much joy.

Am I doing that for them though? Or am I being so selfish? I did go to they gym and had a crappy workout. Because my mind just kept stepping in.. reminding me this was over an hour I am out of their lives.. that I don’t have to be. But I am choosing to be.

I am so scared I will look back at this time and have regrets.

I don’t want to. I love them so much. I hate knowing that next year for 5 days of the week my Jonathan will be gone from me more than he is with me. I don’t think I am strong enough to go through even that again. And then I am so scared that maybe it will again become more than that. I am so scared I will lose another one of my babies.

I am so scared of so much all the time now. And the nightmares are finding me again. I dread sleep again. Because my fears are finding me and grinding me down in the night. Of losing my marriage or another one of my children.

i’m scared jennifer

am i doing this all wrong?

my heart hurts all the time

i’m scared jennifer

so scared to be wrong.

again.

deserve1

…until there is a cure..

13 Responses to “deserve it”

  1. No Libby you are not doing anything wrong. You need to be healthy, so that means doing things like working out but also doing things to keep you emotionally well. Doing unravel helps you to channel your loss, your pain into something that you KNOW in the future will prevent another’s loss and pain. Your kids are happy, even with the loss of their beloved sister you are trying to continue on normally, and succeeding as much as the circumstances allow. You love your husband and he loves you, it’s a struggle but you know in your whole being he is meant for you. Don’t second guess yourself! Ever! Don’t think will I regret this, even without your loss your a mom you’ll second guess yourself, then losing Jennifer on top. You do what your heart wants, and you tell your mind to shut up!

  2. My friend who is a counselor told me when I was experiencing similar guilt about spending time on me at the gym with two young kids at home, “The greatest gift you can give them is a healthy mommy.” The same goes for you. Take the time at the gym and at Unravel. The greatest gift you can give them is a wife and mommy who feels better physically and emotionally; and remember that your three youngest are seeing what you are doing and will continue to help make a difference in Jennifer’s name.

    We as mommies struggle to do what is best for our kids. We question whether or not it is right. They don’t keep a score card. One day they will understand that Unravel is your way of being able to spend time with Jennifer and do things because of her, just like you will do things because of them.

  3. Your babies and husband need a healthy YOU. You need it for yourself. Taking time to make sure your physical body stays healthy is anything but selfish. Still reading, and continuing to send positive thoughts and love your way.

  4. Taking time for you is what makes you the awesome mommy & wife you are. I firmly believe that without some “me” time we can’t function as well as parents. You need the break as much as they need it. You are their support system & Tony’s 23hrs a day, so taking an hour for yourself is not only allowed but it is expected. It is your reward for being there for them every single day. It is good for them to be away from you, even just for an hour. They will feel better doing things for themselves & being more independent instead of relying on you. They need you SO much right now so by you taking time for yourself whether its an hour or three, it allows you to be more present with them, to understand & love them with all of your heart & sole. You are so many things to so many people right now & it will wear you down, it will break you beyond measure. So you take your gym time or time to just sit & do nothing because you deserve it!! Then when you feel better & are done, you can go back to them & continue to love them the way you always have. They know you love them no matter if you are with them or not. You are their momma, connected through the heart from the day you knew they were on the way. I think maybe your nightmares are coming back partially due to the undue stress you are putting on yourself & because your mind/body is preparing yourself for the one year anniversary that is rapidly approaching. I can’t imagine how I would feel in your shoes but I think it would be the exact same way. You are doing just fine Libby, there is no right or wrong way to survive the loss of a child, you just do it & hope it works for everyone close to you. xo <3 4 JKL

  5. You are not going to lose another baby, just think about the time, when you explained to Jonathan, why he is not going to get cancer just because Jennifer did. And please don’t be afraid or feel guilty about having an hour here and there only for yourself. Your children will not even realize it that you’re gone, because you are their whole world and you are with them (nearly) all the time! Everybody needs a break, even strong mamas. You need to be good to yourself and take care about yourself sometimes.

  6. You are doing everything right. You need to take time for yourself. And being active and staying healthy is one of the bests gifts you can give your kids. We love you Libby! We love you all. LOVE4JLK ♡ I wil always be here. ♡

  7. I am at home too but my kids are older. I worked at first and finally quit. I can say that because I’ve been home and made them a priority I do not have regrets. I have also learned that each child has a different experience in life and some of those harder moments are creating them to be stronger people. There were times when I went to the gym or took time for me or had them babysat and they are just fine and even though I felt guilty at times now I don’t.

    They just know that I was there. It’s the big picture. You are there now and will continue to be. They will remember that and be better for it. They will also know that you are fighting Jennifer’s illness from taking more kids and they will be very proud of you and amazed that you were able to do that while being so attentive to them. You kind of have to go to the gym to keep up this pace!!

  8. “Am i doing it wrong?” is a question every concientious parent asks themselves. Of course, it takes on a whole different meaning when you’ve lost a baby too soon.
    It’s normal. You’re normal. Questioning yourself and your intensions is normal.

  9. you are not doing anything wrong, you are an amazingly strong and wonderful mother and Jennifer must be so proud of all that you are doing. sending so much love and hugs always

  10. That hour makes you strong (and it’s cathartic) so you can face the rest of the day with calmness and …awesome Libby muscles. Hugs…it’s hard not to feel guilty about needing time away, but everyone does. It’s a battery recharge.

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