This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around.
I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found myself struggling with feeling ok with taking time away from them.. Time away from being the only thing I ever really wanted to be.. a wife and a mom. I am so lucky I get to stay home with my kids. I know not all people that want to do that are able to. I have always appreciated it.
But today I started to question whether or not I still am?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do it .. to be all in with them. But also take care of me. To give them everything I can.. but still do my part to protect them from cancer. To be the wife my husband deserves while completing everything else I need to do in 24 hours.
I am struggling. With being pulled in so many directions. But the thing is there is nobody pulling me. Its all internal. I want to be the mom and wife these 4 deserve. I want to do something to preserve Jennifers memory and legacy. To make it matter somehow. So that all the suffering she experienced and we continue to isn’t a waste.. but rather manipulated to be something meaningful… powerful.
She deserves that.
They deserve that too. The knowledge that they helped make a difference because of her. I hope one day my youngest children pick up the torch.. to do something for them because of her. To all the time do good things for other in their sisters memory.I hope they are always able to turn our pain into something positive ..
I hope they are able to keep their big sister alive by living the life she was just starting to. One of compassion and giving and so much joy.
Am I doing that for them though? Or am I being so selfish? I did go to they gym and had a crappy workout. Because my mind just kept stepping in.. reminding me this was over an hour I am out of their lives.. that I don’t have to be. But I am choosing to be.
I am so scared I will look back at this time and have regrets.
I don’t want to. I love them so much. I hate knowing that next year for 5 days of the week my Jonathan will be gone from me more than he is with me. I don’t think I am strong enough to go through even that again. And then I am so scared that maybe it will again become more than that. I am so scared I will lose another one of my babies.
I am so scared of so much all the time now. And the nightmares are finding me again. I dread sleep again. Because my fears are finding me and grinding me down in the night. Of losing my marriage or another one of my children.
i’m scared jennifer
am i doing this all wrong?
my heart hurts all the time
i’m scared jennifer
so scared to be wrong.
…until there is a cure..