shoe basket

Today we spent time with some older kids. Afterwards Jonathan told me he liked not having to be the oldest for a little while. .. Our kids have had to survive so many changes with the loss of their sister. I often forget what this newfound pressure of being the oldest living child must be like for him.

A new responsibly none of us wanted him to have..

Like having to be the leader cleaning up even if it wasn’t his mess. Earlier in the day Charlotte had pulled every single shoe out of our shoe basket. Cleaning up Jonathan noticed one of Jennifer’s slippers, he was so excited by it.

I watch her do this day after day. Its a constant clean up in our house. But I can’t get that upset with her.. because it reminds me so much of Jennifer. .. She loved shoes. .. and clothes .. and purses. Charlotte loves all of those things also. .. But today watching with the shoes.. I remembered how often I had to remind Jennifer to put all of them back in the shoe basket. .. and I missed it. That one simple act. 6143623199_963b06780f

Turns out I wasn’t the only one. We have a few of her shoes still in there and Jonathan found one of her slippers. He begged to wear them tonight to my parents (Tony and I had counseling and then date night so the kids went there). I didn’t want him to, but then he pulled me down to his level and looked me straight in the eyes and said so seriously.. I pinkie swear mom I will take such good care of them.

So I agreed. We couldn’t find the matching one so I sent him to her closet to look for it. He so happily came out with a different pair on his feet. So happy. So proud. trust2

And then I took pictures. And the other two wanted some of just them. Looking at these tonight with Tony he questioned whether that is hard for Jonathan .. to watch these two getting close.. becoming best friends.. because his is gone. 

Then I worry about a moment .. impacting him. .. hurting him. trust1

but then again maybe not. Its a constant guessing game. A worry for us to be sure we are safe guarding all of their feelings. Because I love seeing Nicholas and Charlotte bonding and their blossoming friendship and I would never stunt that. trust

So many emotions and hearts tied up together. Including mine. I realized tonight in counseling that I trusted in our family structure once.. and finally. I had fought for that for quite a long time. And then it fell apart. Then it was completely shattered. Because my daughter was stolen from me. I am scared. I am untrusting. I am uncomfortable all of time waiting for something else to go wrong. It explains my insecurity now in our marriage. How much I worry that he will leave me. I am so scared to trust in it.. but mostly just in all of us. That I can ever feel comfortable again..

i would give anything

to hear you debating what shoes to wear

to see you wearing your shoes on the wrong feet

and to tell you to clean it all up again

and again

would give anything

trust3…until there is a cure..

14 Responses to “shoe basket”

  1. I am once again left speechless. Your writing so raw, beautiful, real. You have so much love and you describe everything so well. Sending love to you all, and trying to spread glitter.

  2. So much love and prayers to you all. Over and over again. Jennifer will live on forever. She will always be remembered and never ever forgotten. This I promise. LOVE4JLK ♡ FOREVER 6.

  3. Thinking of Jennifer and your family, always. Another reminder for me to appreciate the journey. Thank you for continuing to share with us, Libby. XO

  4. Your posts are so sweet and so very touching. I love how Jonathan is so happy and moved when he finds a connection with Jennifer – pjs, dragonfly, slippers – it is just such pure innocence and sweetness. You and Jennifer have changed so many people’s lives – thank you for that. We are all holding you in our hearts – as all your hearts continue to heal (or at least scab over). I continue to share your story and say Jennifer’s name often…she is truly an angel that has affected me in a way I can’t explain. Love, light and healing to you all.

  5. I’ve been thinking about you all a lot lately, just wanted to let you know I am always praying for you and remembering Jennifer. Wish I could help, if you ever need anything at all, let me know.

  6. Oh, Libby. I am so sorry that you have to go through the motions of questioning if Tony would leave you. Or waiting for something terrible to happen. I am sure a natural progression of what you have gone through, but its not fair. Its not fucking fair that you have lose your daughter, question the solidity of your family or marriage, or waiting for the next shoe to drop. It makes me so freaking mad that you feel these things. I just want to get as high as I can and scream as loud as I can that something must be done!!! I know it will never be enough because it will never bring Jennifer back to you right now in this world, but I just feel like I have to do something.

    I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say. But I am sending you all the love and light I can muster. love4JLK

  7. Libby, I find myself checking in daily for new updates just so I can feel like I know how you are all doing. Your writing just draws us in. Its rare to find someone so willing to share such raw personal emotions in this format but I know its your way of grieving, of getting it out there for other families, its a stress reliever & so much more for you. I think maybe is good to reflect upon your days this way, then just maybe you can find that handful of glitter on days when you thought maybe there was none, Jennifer’s way of giving back to her momma. I can feel your emotions & the kids emotions through your words. It is so awesome that Jonathon found her slippers, as children its the simplest of joys that can help ease even the biggest heartache, if only for a little while. It is his way of connecting to her & her to him. I can only imagine the amount of doubt that a tragedy of this level can bring, some people wouldn’t survive it but I think you and Tony will make it. It might take a long time to feel secure again, if ever but I hope with every ounce of my being you get there again some day. To feel the confidence you once felt as a wife & momma. You are fighting for every other child out there who don’t have a voice. You are making Jennifer proud & everyone who know & love you proud too (even those of us who don’t know you personally). xo

  8. Libby,
    just hug and kiss your husband. He isn’t going anywhere, after all you two have been through you no longer just tied the knot, you two are belaying each other down a mountain side. When one slips the other holds on, and vice versus. The knots are tight, your good.

  9. Remember once you spoke about Barbara Bush whose daughter had cancer and they tried everything they could to save her. I imagine that made their marriage hurt too. You will make it.

    And I hope you got my comment about writing the book. You have it in you and the public needs to read it.

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