Today we spent time with some older kids. Afterwards Jonathan told me he liked not having to be the oldest for a little while. .. Our kids have had to survive so many changes with the loss of their sister. I often forget what this newfound pressure of being the oldest living child must be like for him.
A new responsibly none of us wanted him to have..
Like having to be the leader cleaning up even if it wasn’t his mess. Earlier in the day Charlotte had pulled every single shoe out of our shoe basket. Cleaning up Jonathan noticed one of Jennifer’s slippers, he was so excited by it.
I watch her do this day after day. Its a constant clean up in our house. But I can’t get that upset with her.. because it reminds me so much of Jennifer. .. She loved shoes. .. and clothes .. and purses. Charlotte loves all of those things also. .. But today watching with the shoes.. I remembered how often I had to remind Jennifer to put all of them back in the shoe basket. .. and I missed it. That one simple act.
Turns out I wasn’t the only one. We have a few of her shoes still in there and Jonathan found one of her slippers. He begged to wear them tonight to my parents (Tony and I had counseling and then date night so the kids went there). I didn’t want him to, but then he pulled me down to his level and looked me straight in the eyes and said so seriously.. I pinkie swear mom I will take such good care of them.
And then I took pictures. And the other two wanted some of just them. Looking at these tonight with Tony he questioned whether that is hard for Jonathan .. to watch these two getting close.. becoming best friends.. because his is gone.
but then again maybe not. Its a constant guessing game. A worry for us to be sure we are safe guarding all of their feelings. Because I love seeing Nicholas and Charlotte bonding and their blossoming friendship and I would never stunt that.
So many emotions and hearts tied up together. Including mine. I realized tonight in counseling that I trusted in our family structure once.. and finally. I had fought for that for quite a long time. And then it fell apart. Then it was completely shattered. Because my daughter was stolen from me. I am scared. I am untrusting. I am uncomfortable all of time waiting for something else to go wrong. It explains my insecurity now in our marriage. How much I worry that he will leave me. I am so scared to trust in it.. but mostly just in all of us. That I can ever feel comfortable again..
i would give anything
to hear you debating what shoes to wear
to see you wearing your shoes on the wrong feet
and to tell you to clean it all up again
would give anything