10 months

 

JENNIFER

JENNIFER

JENNIFER

jennifer..

I miss you. With every single cell of my body right now. I knew my heart would break when you left.

I didn’t know it was even possible for my whole body to break.. for my heart to be so shattered

.. for my soul to cry out for you.

I watched your video tonight. The one we played at your services. And I wanted to scratch my own skin off. Pull my soul out of this broken body.. and throw it up to you.

10 months. Seriously. How is that even possible? Its like it was yesterday

.. and forever ago.

How am I going to make it through Christmas? I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it without you. I don’t think I can. Im not strong enough Jennifer. I look at your stocking. I want a little girl to shop for.

 

I need to take the kids to see Santa. I don’t know though. If they will even go to him without you leading the way.

I hope your entrance to heaven looked just like this
I hope your entrance to heaven looked just like this

I want to see you looking at your gifts with your brothers and sisters. I want to see all of you in your brand new Christmas Eve jammies.10m8

I want the joy.. the anticipation. I want your laugh and to know what slippers and jammie bottoms you would have picked out for me. I will wear those pink ones you got me last until they are simply threads.

 

10m11

I loved watching how excited you were to see your little brothers and sister get their presents. I wonder how it will be this year? You were such a good leader…and they followed you so openly. And it was a good thing. You were.. you are truly a wonderful example of the real meaning of Christmas. 10m10

How you worked to earn money and proudly got them gifts. I should be doing that now. Offering jobs to all of you to earn money.. that was always so important to me…

Nothing is right anymore.

When you left us sissy miss you seemed to pack heavy. Because I think you took the best of all of us with you. The light in all of our eyes is dimmer now.  10m5

You know what? I just looked up.. and all of our stockings are turned so I can’t read the names. But you. Jennifer. Its facing me directly. The middle, the centerpiece of our family. oh buggers. oh baby girl. You will always believe in Santa. You have the magic of Christmas forever in your heart the way a 6 year girl does. I hope so at least.

10m4

 

I’ll always wonder if you whispered to Santa last year.. whispered to me him to heal you. (I see that typo there.. I left it. I think I mean it) I wanted to honey. I wanted to heal you. To save you .

 

I am a day dreamer.. by nature. And thats the bulk of them now. What that day will be like.  So many hopes I have. But the main one. Its you. Shiny. Shimmering and laughing hair flying all around you as you run to me. Light exploding. Im on my knees and there we are. ..

you and me.

together again.

truly and forever.

my heaven.

10m6

…until there is a cure..

22 Responses to “10 months”

  1. Your heart is shattered & yet at the same time so beautifully pieced together with the amount of love you show to Jennifer & your family. I’m sure she’s just so proud of you.

  2. I don’t know what to say other then we love you so much. We love Jennifer so very much. We are still here reading, praying thinking and sending so much love to you all.

  3. My heart aches but I see the light in your eyes and hear it through your words. It is still there. With Jennifer’s help.

  4. I cannot imagine your pain & I send you love & comfort & peace as you learn to navigate the earth without your Jennifer. the work you are doing to raise awareness about childhood cancer is the way you will keep Jennifer’s spirit alive. My heart breaks for you.

  5. Still reading everyday, Libby… Never can find the right words to respond but my heart is breaking for you, Tony and your entire family… What a beautiful little girl Jennifer is and she has truly impacted my whole family even being complete strangers… I pray for you all and will always continue reading…I am so sorry!!

  6. Libby, I’m so very grateful that you have pictures like this. I don’t think it’s a stroke of luck that the camera caught the sunlight just so. I believe it’s God’s way of telling you that His unmatched, magnificent, life-saving Glory is with you always and forever…….and so is Jennifer. You are forever bound together in His Light.

    We are all broken vessels, but when we are ready, God will slowly put us back together in a way that His love and grace shines through the cracks, and leads others to the safety of His arms. True wholeness and healing is in Him alone. The first time I saw this astoundingly beautiful photo of you and Jennifer, that’s what I thought of.

    We are all praying you through this Christmas. May the miracle of Love Come Down, be revealed in your hearts in a brand new way, so that you can FEEL the pure peace and joy in his presence that Jennifer wants to share with you. Be blessed, Kranz family, with heavenly peace.

  7. Many prayers for your entire family, especially this time of year. What a beautiful angel Jennifer is Libby. So much love between you all.

  8. Have offered up every breath and every heartbeat of mine as a prayer for your family today in addition to my normal spoken prayers. My love is with you today and always

  9. Most of your posts leave me in tears, but it’s not often that I sob. Your writing and love for her is so beautiful. Sending all of you love.

  10. That picture at the bottom of the page…simply breathtaking. It’s like looking into the future, seeing exactly what the joyous reunion will be like when you see her again in Heaven for the first time. I think it will look just like that. Pure love and light. I hope you are able to find strength this holiday season, and have wonderful dreams of Jennifer while you rest, and make beautiful memories with your family while you wake.

  11. Oh, Libby. My heart just breaks for you. My soul aches. I wish I could offer you some peace. I have no doubt that Jennifer packed heavy, but I also know she left so much here on this earth. She left so much love, and light, and glitter that I feel like the wake she left behind will go on forever.

    I am so sorry. So so sorry that I cant do anything to unbreak your heart. Thinking about you guys daily.

  12. Oh Libby I pray that this is your dream tonight. I pray that you feel her in your arms, you smell her sweet scent, you hear her wonderful laugh. I pray that these amazing feelings envelop you and help place a tiny band-aid on your heart.
    Until you meet again…..LOVE xoxoxoxooxoxoxox

  13. I am sure her entrance looked just like that… and probably even more beautiful and glittery. My heart aches for you Libby, I have no words to comfort you but my prayers are always with you and Tony and the kids.

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