I miss you. With every single cell of my body right now. I knew my heart would break when you left.
I didn’t know it was even possible for my whole body to break.. for my heart to be so shattered
.. for my soul to cry out for you.
I watched your video tonight. The one we played at your services. And I wanted to scratch my own skin off. Pull my soul out of this broken body.. and throw it up to you.
10 months. Seriously. How is that even possible? Its like it was yesterday
.. and forever ago.
How am I going to make it through Christmas? I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it without you. I don’t think I can. Im not strong enough Jennifer. I look at your stocking. I want a little girl to shop for.
I need to take the kids to see Santa. I don’t know though. If they will even go to him without you leading the way.
I want the joy.. the anticipation. I want your laugh and to know what slippers and jammie bottoms you would have picked out for me. I will wear those pink ones you got me last until they are simply threads.
I loved watching how excited you were to see your little brothers and sister get their presents. I wonder how it will be this year? You were such a good leader…and they followed you so openly. And it was a good thing. You were.. you are truly a wonderful example of the real meaning of Christmas.
How you worked to earn money and proudly got them gifts. I should be doing that now. Offering jobs to all of you to earn money.. that was always so important to me…
Nothing is right anymore.
You know what? I just looked up.. and all of our stockings are turned so I can’t read the names. But you. Jennifer. Its facing me directly. The middle, the centerpiece of our family. oh buggers. oh baby girl. You will always believe in Santa. You have the magic of Christmas forever in your heart the way a 6 year girl does. I hope so at least.
I’ll always wonder if you whispered to Santa last year.. whispered to me him to heal you. (I see that typo there.. I left it. I think I mean it) I wanted to honey. I wanted to heal you. To save you .
I am a day dreamer.. by nature. And thats the bulk of them now. What that day will be like. So many hopes I have. But the main one. Its you. Shiny. Shimmering and laughing hair flying all around you as you run to me. Light exploding. Im on my knees and there we are. ..
you and me.
truly and forever.
…until there is a cure..