Tony and I went to our counseling tonight. .. well if I am being honest, tonight Tony sat on the couch during my counseling. It quickly morphed into being all about me tonight. We talked guilt.
My guilt over everything.
Its crippling. And I am not sure how to get over it.. get through it. I will never have the chance to say I am sorry. Never have the chance to make it up to her. No do overs. All my successes with Jennifer have happened .. as have my failures. Thats a bitter cold reality for a bereaved mommy.
I feel trapped and overwhelmed in the dark memories. Of where I was.. who I was right now 10 months ago. Holding her. Talking to her. Letting the last of our family come say goodbye to her.
Why couldn’t I stop this?
Why couldn’t I save her?
my baby. my baby.
I remember we had your radio playing for over 24 hours. But eventually we turned it off. I quickly nursed the baby to sleep. I hoped you wouldn’t leave while I was out of the room, but I tried to prepare myself for that possibility. We listened to the sounds of the ocean together. We wrapped ourselves together under your blanket.. the same one they carried you out with..
Now 10 months later I am up. Crying a lot.. writing a little.
A quiet home except for the pounding of the rain. And somewhere in the background that ocean sound is still playing. I haven’t turned it off. I can’t.
Im so sorry baby. I just wish I could hold you. Touch you. Tell you how sorry I am for all the mistakes I made. I even wish for a do over of those final days.. I could do such a better job now. I know so much more..
I just want to hear you forgive me. Nobody else can tell me. Nobody else can help me. But I can’t get to you. I have to wait. So I have to try to figure this out on my own. Because this guilt is all about me really and not you. It takes me further away from you.
My grief is silenced by my guilt.
I want to just grieve you. And cry for the happy memories .. and for the amazing little girl I miss.
oh Jennifer Lynn. ..
Daddy said it best
I miss her. I have grief
and that’s enough.
…until there is a cure. .