e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g

Tony and I went to our counseling tonight. .. well if I am being honest, tonight Tony sat on the couch during my counseling. It quickly morphed into being all about me tonight. We talked guilt.

My guilt over everything.

e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

Its crippling. And I am not sure how to get over it.. get through it. I will never have the chance to say I am sorry. Never have the chance to make it up to her. No do overs. All my successes with Jennifer have happened .. as have my failures. Thats a bitter cold reality for a bereaved mommy.

I feel trapped and overwhelmed in the dark memories. Of where I was.. who I was right now 10 months ago. Holding her. Talking to her. Letting the last of our family come say goodbye to her.

Why couldn’t I stop this?

Why couldn’t I save her?

my baby. my baby.

I remember we had your radio playing for over 24 hours. But eventually we turned it off. I quickly nursed the baby to sleep. I hoped you wouldn’t leave while I was out of the room, but I tried to prepare myself for that possibility. We listened to the sounds of the ocean together. We wrapped ourselves together under your blanket.. the same one they carried you out with..

Now 10 months later I am up. Crying a lot.. writing a little.

She suffered 10 more days. I will suffer now the rest of mine.
She suffered 10 more days. I will suffer now the rest of mine.

A quiet home except for the pounding of the rain. And somewhere in the background that ocean sound is still playing. I haven’t turned it off. I can’t.

Im so sorry baby. I just wish I could hold you. Touch you. Tell you how sorry I am for all the mistakes I made. I even wish for a do over of those final days.. I could do such a better job now. I know so much more..

I just want to hear you forgive me. Nobody else can tell me. Nobody else can help me. But I can’t get to you. I have to wait. So I have to try to figure this out on my own. Because this guilt is all about me really and not you. It takes me further away from you.

My grief is silenced by my guilt.

i’m sorry

I want to just grieve you. And cry for the happy memories .. and for the amazing little girl I miss.

oh Jennifer Lynn. ..

Daddy said it best

I miss her. I have grief

and that’s enough.

everything1

…until there is a cure. .

12 Responses to “e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g”

  1. I wish there was some way to take away all your pain. Guilt is not from her or God. She loves you…oh is that ever present. It bursts forth from every.single photo you post. That little gal was cherished and she knew it. Those that love us don’t see our failings…they see the us we can’t see.

  2. Her passing was not your fault. You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing you could have done better. I am sure you did all that you could do and were the best mom she could ask for–and that she was grateful to you for being such a mommy. Sending you big hugs, love, and prayers.

  3. I wish there were words to say that would take away your guilt; I would say them everyday. I am so sorry you have to not only life with the grief but also the guilt. I am so so sorry, Libby.

    Praying hard for you and your family.

  4. You did SO much for her though-you were her mommy and that was enough for her. I am so sorry Libby. Wishing you peace on this 12th.

  5. Why would you feel guilty over another soul’s life path? She chose you to accompany her on her short journey here. I believe this with all my heart. Sadness is appropriate, guilt is not. (Sorry, I know the worst thing to do for someone is to deny their feelings, but I want so much for you to be able to move past this self-destructive mode of guilt.)

  6. I cannot express my sympathy for what you have suffered. There are just no words. I don’t know you, and I’ve never walked your path, and never want to, and wouldn’t wish it on Adolph Hitler, much less my worst enemy. However, I do know a thing about guilt and forgiveness. First, she doesn’t need to forgive you, and you don’t need to wait for that. It’s built in, already there, but not as forgiveness, just understanding, gratitude, and appreciation. She is comforted and held in peace and joy for what she knows is in your heart. Second YOU DO NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF. You have been through a hell the rest of us can only imagine and recoil from in HORROR. Watching your child get sick, succumb, and die. There is NO HELL WORSE than that. YOU HAVE BEEN PUNISHED PLENTY, and you deserved NONE OF IT. When under duress, your best just HAS TO BE GOOD ENOUGH, and IT WAS!!!!!. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to another. Picture yourself through the eyes of the nurses, your own parents, your friends, and yourself, when you were a child. You must make a decision that you’re going to move forward and embrace the rest of your life and your family and your blessings and YOURSELF. I am so sorry for your loss. Please don’t lost the everything that CAN be salvaged and nurtured after this tragedy. Let yourself and your family blossom in a happy life. It’s a decision you must make and commit to and you must know you deserve it before you can. YOU DESERVE TO RECOVER AND BE HAPPY AGAIN. Don’t waste another minute clinging to pointless regrets. You ROCKED; now save YOURSELF!!!

  7. From out here, all we see is a mom who loves her daughter with all her heart and did everything with grace and perceptiveness and strength, who nonetheless blames herself for catastrophic events that were out of her hands.

    They were out of your hands, your capable, wonderful hands.

  8. I think one always has a chance to say sorry and make it up to someone… Its just in a different way.

    You both do a wonderful job as parents. Keep going…

    It will get easier… Your feelings are natural and a normal part of loss…

  9. Praying endlessly for your guilt to ease Libby. Jennifer’s death wasn’t your fault. And where she is I’m certain there is no such thing as blame or anger. Only love. A feeling Jennifer already knew so well because she received so much of it here on earth. Every photo you post tells me you love that little girl beyond all measure and that she knows it. And yes I used present tense. She still knows, perhaps more than ever, how much you adore her

  10. I am so sorry Libby, my heart aches for you. Jennifer loves you, and knows none of this is your fault. Be strong, be easy on yourself. Until there is a cure!!! xoxoxooxoxoxoxxoxo

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