she moved

Words have power they have meaning. They can bring me to the depths of my pain. Thats good. But they can also help me .. and my kids.. find new ways to bring us above it.

I spoke with another bereaved Dad. One who focuses on bringing the joy to kids with cancer. He shared something .. shared words with me that settled in.

I will never change up completely the things I write to get out the gunk – the pain.. the genuine horror I live with daily. Because if I don’t it will take root in me. Take over me no matter how I try to keep it at bay. That is who I am.

But I also can find ways to concentrate on the other portion when I speak in a loving way about my daughter .. in particular to my surviving children and the kids that love her. To help us all get to another level .. One that has more comfort than pain.

I can’t say how long it will take us. Or if we can ever get to that place that seems so far off.. so truly unattainable… but with some changes of words I at least feel a sense of direction. A large part of Unravel for me is empowerment. Empowering people to do something. To step up and make a difference…because change is necessary and entirely possible. But frankly those I most want to empower are kids.. especially mine. Unravel can do that. It can give them a certain amount of power and strength against the beast that is cancer..

The 2 things that stole their sister from them. Cancer and lack of money for the drs trying to do something to stop it. Unravel gives them that vehicle to drive and control.

But the most important thing is lacking for them in that.

 

Jennifer. Their big sissy. My baby girl.

move1

We can’t touch her. We can’t hear her. We can’t laugh with her anymore..

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We can’t know. ..

And I struggle. How to help them find some semblance of peace with that? How to help them .. help them with something so big and powerful I can’t even find the words to explain it.

Til I do. Til I change my words when we talk about her. When I am simply a mother talking about her daughter .. their sister or their best friend. This is when I am not talking from the (right now overwhelmingly loud) wounded part.. the part that was ripped away… the part she took with her. That will always be present. That will always have a voice. One I hope can just get softer with time.

The times I am aiming for now are when it comes from the place in my heart that remains so soft and full with love for her. Her mommy place. The place that knows I couldn’t keep her the way I wanted to.. but refuses to lose her forever. The place that gives my Jonathan-my Nicholas and my Charlotte back control with their relationship with their sister.

Simply. . She moved to heaven.

jennifer

 my perfectly imperfect little girl

i miss you

i want you all the time

but you are more than just dead

you left us for a new home

one i will join you in one day

you did not just die

but are waiting for us

in heaven

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…until there is a cure..

12 Responses to “she moved”

  1. Jennifer is there. She is waiting for you. One day you Will see her again. We love you all so very much. We Love Jennifer ♡ Until there is a cure.

  2. Beautiful in every way it can be…. even though we all wish it weren’t true… that she was still here with you. But, beautiful when you truly try to picture what it must be like… I am sure she can not wait to show you around her new home…. the one we all pray we get to move to when it is our time.

  3. Your writing is so perfect in that it really tells so much without sharing things that are too personal for the world to know about. You walk the line between sharing and holding back so well. I never leave your posts without a lump in my throat and an appreciation in my heart for what I have. I’m thinking of your family this holiday season.

  4. Saw this on Amazon (vinyl sign) : BECAUSE SOMEONE WE LOVE IS IN HEAVEN,
    THERE’S A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN IN OUR HOME

    God bless you guys!

  5. No doubt she is so very loved there in heaven too. She gets to see us, but we can’t see her – she’s near and far all at once. <3 Sending love, always. <3

  6. I hope so much that is true, too! I want to see and hold my son, and my Mom and Dad! I guess only time will tell. Thinking of your family.

  7. Those last words. Words that hold such hope and faith are ones that I’m so very happy to read. That faith in a God who loves us, and the hope that one day all will be restored and ok is what keeps me clinging to my belief in Him even when all seems lost, messed up and too painful. Because you and Erik are right, Jennifer isn’t here anymore, and that is indescribably sad and wrong, but she is not lost and you WILL see her again one day.

  8. I think the truth in your words is one of the reasons I keep coming back. I know you are going to be honest and real and not try to pull people in with falsehoods. Feeling your pain, if only for the few moments that I read your blog makes it real. This is a real monster that happens every day, to good and honest people. I dont think I’ll ever stop reading your blog, but sometimes those moments of deep pain and sadness I feel while reading it are what keeps the fire alive in my heart to help make a difference.

    Although, any light in your life you deserve and I hope it floods in your heart. You are doing great things, and anyone would be so lucky to have you and Unravel in their corner.

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