Tag: child loss

Daddy… 5 months gone..

It has only been 5 months, but it feels like a life time. I find myself looking at pictures and old quick movies that I took on my phone of her and her brothers and I still can’t believe it; I don’t want to believe it. The fog has unfortunately lifted and now my family is smacked in the face of this reality. The day to day activities seem to be moving back to the norm (new norm) with me going to work and Libby and the kids having play dates and running errands. I don’t like the fact that it is moving in this direction. I feel like I need to be doing something different, something big, making a difference and all I am doing is going to work for 10 to 14 hours a day, come home and kiss the kids goodnight and sit on the couch until[…]

she has cancer

I miss seeing her in new ways.. I miss her little arms surprising me with hugs.. and the sweet way she would talk to her baby sister. All I have now is the pictures. Sometimes I drown in them. . Often after I write I look for the right pictures to fit in. It takes me a good deal of time to find them since I am always pretty sure what I am looking for.. and then I get lost.. In memories .. good and bad.. I look at the pictures in treatment. How beat down and tired she looked. I can see it so well now. Almost like the outline of death around her. At the time though I couldn’t tell. . somehow I was able to just see beyond the dark circles and just see my daughter. At first her eye was so jarring to me.. but at some[…]

Connecting

I think she is connecting us. A week or so ago (I have no grip on time right now) I was lamenting in the kitchen how Jennifer never got to try coffee.. she sent me sign which I thanked her for immediately. I don’t think it really sunk in though. A few days later doing the same thing.. thinking abut all the things she would never get to do while making my coffee Jonathan spoke up. “Remember when you let me and Jennifer have some of the top stuff aka foam” I did… She got to try coffee! A few days ago I mentioned picnics in their room. They, Jonathan in particular,  know about the non profit.. they know that not all kids die from cancer and our goal is to make it so less children die. They know pediatric is fancy for kid. But we don’t talk about my blog. I don’t[…]

done good

We went to an event last night.. me Tony and our.. well we don’t have a official title nailed down.. but basically our COO for Unravel.. It was to support Innovators Network who basically support Project Violet. I am a huge fan of what they are doing and how they are doing it.. far too intelligent for me to explain.. but worth a look! I love that people on the West Coast are starting to stand up and bring their support to these amazing west coast minds.  It was a good experience. I am glad we went.. but I am also left today with a dull ache and sadness. I am trying to sort out why. I thought a lot about Jennifer’s oncologist. How amazing she was to Jennifer and to me. . How very lucky we were to have her. And I thought about the incredible Dr. Monje and her[…]

because of her

Another 12th.. experienced and gone.. Much like my daughter. The 12th is so bittersweet for me. Its a day to truly go back.. remember and reconnect .. to feel the overwhelming sadness over her being gone for another milestone in time somehow thats a good thing for me.. but then the ache that the distance is ever-growing between us. We got up yesterday and I asked Tony to take us, me and baby Charlotte and our memories to the beach. We went for breakfast and walked on the beach together. I cried a little .. off and on.. We talked a little off and on.. We bought a ton of candy. It was good. It was exactly what we needed.. time together as a couple. Our concentration being on each other.. not a non-profit.. not raising awareness. .. just each other. Husband and wife.. grieving mom and dad. On the[…]

will she

5 months. 5 months. 5 months. ..no .. please .. Once the clock strikes midnight I can no longer say 4 months.. it becomes a whole month more.. Today was a good day. We walked to the library , first time we have been there since last summer…I planned to go once she was in school.. but never got around to it. We packed a picnic and ate behind the building. . .  Jonathan remembered from 2 Halloweens ago.. when he had just turned 3 that we went trick or treating there in a nearby building with her preschool class. I try to placate myself with the thought that they won’t remember this time.. but then he pulls something like that.. A strong memory from when he was so much younger.. and I worry. I try to do things she would have liked these days. These days I am suffering inside without[…]

still brave

As yet another 12th comes closer I start to think about her death constantly. About what I was doing and feeling on February 9th. Remember with me..  That ring.. I remember that day. My friend coming to get it to try to save it for me.. How I hated having it off for a few hours. I love it so much. Its more precious to me than any other piece of jewelry I have ever owned. There are a lot of memorial tattoos ideas I am marinating on.. But that ring marked on me forever is for sure happening. I don’t often re-read my blogs. But I am glad I did with that one.. because it reminds me of who she was. The silly spunky way she would ask for the ring back. . and then give it to me over .. How happy she was to see me wearing[…]

her silence..

I wonder a lot what I look like to others. You see me and talk to me and I seem relatively normal. I am not. I wonder if people think I am begin over dramatic with my writing. I am not. What I write is my truth. I don’t even understand it. I don’t understand how its getting harder and harder every day. Every free moment I get I cry right now. When I go to the bathroom I take those few minutes and I cry. Big silent tears. I know there was a article going around Facebook about tears for different reasons looked at under a microscope having different physical properties. I am not at all surprised by it.. and it helps me feel a little less crazy. Right now my tears are bigger than normal.. and heavier too. And when I cry.. they just fall.. one right after[…]

by name

Somebody shared a saying with me that struck a chord. A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child’s memory. Few things have been so poignantly accurate for me in any part of this horrible journey. Tony and I talked about it today. About sharing the video of our Julys (the 4th and the garlic festival) with her, with family..We talked about how scary it is to know that people won’t always be willing or wanting to sit down and give 10 minutes of a celebration to her. We are now surrounded by child loss.. although it is a club nobody wants to join it is a club that is tight with its members. And everybody I have talked to shares stories about how and when it happens to them. I am actually going to keep this blog really short.. I want to write to my[…]

First 4th

**I tried to publish this earlier today but it didn’t go through** The 4th has proven to be the hardest holiday yet for all of us. Nicholas woke up in a foul mood.. only wanting mommy and he has stayed that way until right now.. up from his nap playing with Daddy while I write. Driving to my brothers house I was already back and forth in tears.. The moment we parked “A thousand years“came on the radio.. and in that moment I came undone. Tony wanted too also.. but he felt like he needed to be the strong one for me. That ended up with him having some high frustration. On the drive home we talked a lot about that snapshot in time of our day.. Trading off weak moments used to be an unwritten rule for us. But now its not. Now we have to be able to[…]